Lorie, I have a whole PAGE of mantras, that include both icky things ("H is not coming home") and nice things ("my mother loves me. I'm an intelligent woman.") Don't forget the nice things.

Have seen H 5 days in a row now, all for kid-related things. He actually let me in his apartment for the first time when I picked up S on Saturday, usually he either drops off the kids or he meets me at the door. He fell back into some of our old patterns on Sun and got mad at me twice b/c he misunderstood what I was saying or b/c I misunderstood him. I did not fall into my usual pattern of arguing that there was no way of misunderstanding, I just said "I'm sorry you were confused" and explained what I thought had been discussed. His anger seemed to diffuse a little more easily. I also told him he was no longer allowed to raise his voice to me in my home - he made an excuse to go outside, calmed down and came back in (another new development). When he returned, he invited me to spend Christmas morning with him and the kids so that I can watch them get Santa presents (per the standard custody schedule, he gets them for Christmas this year; we had already agreed that I would have time with them on my own on either Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, so this is an addition). He didn't even use the kids as an excuse - this was a gift to me. I cried and whispered "thank you".

He is waiting for me to decide how I want to proceed with the D, but he hasn't brought it up to me - although it's been 2 weeks since he filed, I was the one who asked what was happening next (stupid move!). I'm supposed to go to my lawyer and make arrangements to meet with his lawyer to receive a copy of the petition and work on the temporary order. S has a nasty cold and requires me to stay home with him, so there is no way I can go this week smile I will wait to see if H brings the delay up or if he gets annoyed and has me served.

H's birthday is this week. I bought small presents for him from the kids and baked a mini birthday cake for them to bring him; he turned down an offer to have a birthday dinner at my house (he is on nights again, which means he doesn't wake up early, and, well, he's GRUMPY). This weekend we're jointly hosting a birthday party for Dalmost5, so I should see plenty of him in a happy environment.

Neither of us has mentioned the daily emails I'm sending. Overall, he's treating me just a little more friendly than is required for co-parenting, but not much more. I really don't see a path for reconciliation unless he has a huge about-face and is willing to try to forgive hurts of the past. I honestly don't know if he would be capable of doing that without some help, and he's not willing to go to IC or MC. So I keep praying to be shown the path I'm supposed to take, and I keep doing the things I laid out. My goal is to not regret any action I take, regardless of whether H or I end up back together.