Quote: I don't like wimpy men, or nicey/nice men either. I like a man's man and that type of man is my H. But I think he could soften just a little and he'd still be able to hold that man's man style.
My H is a 'mans man' as well, so finding his 'feminine' side is out of the question. He's NEVER going to want to pick out furniture with me or go to the opera BUT he is not a cave man or a stupid man either...and OBVIOUSLY HE HAS AND UNDERSTANDS FEELINGS...cause it was "HIS FEELINGS and EMOTIONAL NEEDS" not being met that 'drove him to cheat'....SOooooo, needless to say, I refuse to give him a 'pass' on not having an understanding of what MY NEEDS ARE. I am NOT letting my H off the hook for not meeting MY needs anymore than he let me off the hook for failing to meet his. THE BIG DIFFERENCE IS, I'm not hiding my needs from him as he did me. I'm NOT suffering in silence here any longer and allowing resentment and justifications for my own potential to do wrong to build up. I'm putting my cards on the table and DEMANDING that he do the same.
They say that IF we survive these nightmares that our Ms can come out stronger and more loving, and I actually DO believe that that's possible. And so to ME, THIS TIME, there is NO room for passive-aggressiveness. If he or I need something then we MUST articulate it because we have already proven to ourselves and each other that we CANNOT read each other's minds.
And as for THEM changing..the answer is hell yes. They can change and they DO change...but they have to CHOOSE to change.
Early on in this mess, my H would state how he wasn't about to change, that he is who he is blah blah blah .... well, he's certainly made several changes now, hasn't he. That 'tone' is gone for the most part. He's softening up, becoming more affectionate, intimate, thoughtful.
He DOES realize that he can play 'hard ass' but if he chooses to play 'hard ass' he WILL be playing that act for some floozy like his OW...because THIS woman will NOT accept that behavior...I deserve and I demand better NOW.
I acknowledge and accept ALL my shortcomings in the way I acted in our M prior to the 'bomb'....I have worked hard on myself to rectify those shortcomings and I am doing a fabulous job. I'm becoming a better person all around because of the changes I've CHOSEN to make in and for myself.
NOW it's his turn to do the same.
The absolute beauty of regaining your self esteem and strength is that it affords you the ability to step back and ask yourself...IS HE STILL GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME....when you get to this point, you become secure enough in yourself again to set your boundaries and decide that if HE is unable/unwilling to live by those boundaries, then YOU can choose to walk away and take from life what YOU need.
No ONE'S more important to you in this world than YOU are. If we're NOT happy with ourselves no one else can be. I chose to remain with my H. I chose to fight to save our M. I chose to forgive him his failure to keep our vows when he was weak and in pain. I choose to look to the future with him at my side....but I no longer close my eyes or my ears to any nuances of self destructive behavior patterns on his part. He will have to be a better version of the man I married or he will not be the man I remain married to. T2
