Working on acceptance and forgiveness

[AntoniaB]

You know, I am angry that I wasted so much energy last week trying to figure out how to or whether to accept my H's friendship gestures. I think it was a fluke--like people say, where they come out of the fog but go back in. He spent 3 hours that one night talking to me via text and on the phone, sent me the Christmas check for $1000, to which I sent him through the mail a very short and sweet thank you note for thinking of me and the cats and wishing him a nice Christmas, then nothing, till today.

Today I get a text message from him saying "My lawyer will probably be so and so with such and such law firm" and "when can I come pick up my Christmas ornaments; I want to put up a small tree in my "loft."

(We had a tree before that had ornaments representing our hobbies that we collected over 19 years of marriage--I put up the tree but left the ornaments for his hobby off of it and told him he could have them if he wanted them. What he's calling a "loft" is just the bedroom he lives in at a friend's house.)

So while I didn't EXPECT anything from that gesture of friendship last week, it seems to me that all it was was that he had a night he was bored because he wasn't with the OW and he needed to kill time, so he filled it with me. Because a week later, with no word from him, we're right back to business only.

I just feel like I'm wasting energy trying to hang on to wanting him to "see the light" and come back. I don't think there is a snowball's chance in hell of it ever happening.

I want to list my profile on match.com because there is someone I'm interested in. But I also don't want to be a hypocrite. We are still legally married till maybe 2 weeks or less from now. So I'm in limbo.

I just don't see him ever coming out of this. I think the thing I"m calling an MLC fog or colossal mistake is something he has FULLY embraced now as his chosen path and he is happy with it, no matter what it did to me, no matter that it broke our vows, no matter that his rel. with her began in a sickening, morally corrupt way. One thing my H said always was that he was the "greatest actor who ever lived", that he could entirely hide his depression or bad moods so that I was never the wiser. I think he has pretending that things are great down to an art form, and half the time I feel like my progress and happiness with everything I've gained in my single life is only justifying or rationalizing to him that hurting me was WORTH IT, because he sees me FLOURISHING in my friendships and my career only SINCE he dumped me for her.

I know I'm rambling, just had to vent I guess. But every day, more and more I feel like I'm truly fooling myself if I think that what he has done will ever change. It's like I tell myself I can't get involved with someone else because of wanting to hold on to some hope that I can be with him SOME day, but I also think I'm delusional if I think he will ever come back.

Maybe I just married an a*shole and didn't know it till now ;-)