Rob,
you are making my head spin!!! lol.
I just dont have all the answers for you.
so many feel that frustration you are going through right now.

All you can do at this point is work on you the only one you have control over.

there have been DBers whos SO left for the OM/OW and later came back.

It sounds to me like your W runs from her problems. Hence, leaving a second marriage and seeking suport with this OM. She is putting the responsibility of her happiness on others rather then looking to herself.

Try not to obsess on her and really work on yourself. Try to Let go and let God. Letting go dosnt mean giving up and closing the door but it will help you on your journey.

take care of YOU!

Sue