Am I Being Unfair ?

[misshim]

I'm back again for all of the great advice I received in 2009.

I have been divorced now since 8-1-2009. Fast and furious, he left in 11-2008, filed on me 2-2009, divorced 8-1-2009. Even through it all, I haven't given up on him. I still have my little farm, but no more cows. Too much work for me since I'm gone most of the day at work.

My xh did his end of the divorce pro-se, he had wanted me to help him with his paperwork because he didn't understand them.

I told him no but I'd look them over. He gave me everything, and is paying for daycare & school & all fees in association with our d4.

He just wanted out of our life fast. Well in Nov. 2010, he already is trying to modify the d-decree.

He told me that the decree from 09 is so unfair(but my lawyer did the papers the way he wanted. And that he can't have any kind of life with it the way it is now.

My L said to try to get a agreement together and then we wouldn't have to go back to court. My L would just file our agreement. I just have alittle hard feelings how can the H who left us and divorced us come back and say that the agreement is so unfair. He acts like a little child.

But he texts me how he wishes he was just 6 feet down in the ground so he would feel better. I answer him by saying, I'm sorry you are having a hard time with life but our D(almost 6 yrs old) and I need you here. XH winter depression is here and he looks awful, normally he will hide from me or he can't look at me. Why? I know the legal marriage is over but I still have feelings for him.

XH family has finally started talking to me again (mainly at church) but XBIL's told me that he's messed up but that my XH doesn't hate me at all, they even invited me over for thanksgiving. My XH had our d-6 but he refused to take our d6 to his brothers for the holiday. So my D6 and XH stayed at his parents (where he lives) alone. D6 told me they did nothing, daddy slept on the couch. How sad !

I'm not sure if XH is waking up and coming to his senses. I think somedays he might be, but then again hes still sneeky and lies alot.

He just wants us to have a notorized agreement between us and change the divorce agreement. And he had a fit when my L asked him for a copy of 2009 tax returns and a current pay stub. I think he's hiding something.

Any advice?

[sleeper]

Don't do anything to help him. To do so is counterproductive to your goal of a reunited family. To make his situation more comfortable in his eyes is to make it less likely he will return.

[misshim]

Thanks Sleeper,

I thought I would be ok after all of this in the past. But I feel like I'm going downhill right along with him. Of course the holidays are harder. XH does pickup our D6 from school, 3 days a week and every other weekend but he averages just 6 hours on the weekdays with her. Then brings her back to me.

I am in a tough financial spot right now. And with the game playing of him taking me back to court, I just can't seem to pick myself up and get out of the slump.

I keep telling myself to get a 2nd job at night. But then I want to be at home with my D to put her to bed. Makes no sense to work for a few hours and pay a babysitter and I don't get alot of time with her as it is because she goes to bed early.

Why does he go on and on that it's unfair as to what I'm doing to him (the original divorce agreement) He was the one that chose all of it. My L only put it into better writting. My L said that in order for him to get all of the changes approved, he has to show a substantial change of circumstance or income. But yet he is smokin mad that my L asked him for his financials. I really don't want to financially ruin him, but I have a house to take care of and alot of bills. He moved back with mom and dad and plays and parties.

I've talked and spread the word in my small town that I have a brand new barn to rent out and 10 aces besides. But times are tough for everyone.

I even took on a roomate but he has to leave, he wants more from me that I can't give him and he hates my X and his family, from along time ago. My roomates contribution was very small because he was injured, and livs his life in a wheelchair. But that's a story in itself.

I know I need to kick myself in the rear end to get out of this slump. I stopped posting here in 2009, after my divorce. Yet I have been reading alot of postings from others ever since that nasty day. Yet I'm just as confused.

If I have to move back to my home town, then he would have to drive alot just to see his D for 2 hours max every other day. He just doesn't think things through. I could save him so much money with the daycare & school fees because I planned it all out. Do I tell him how he could save or let him just wander through?

During our marriage he was looking for a mom to take care of everything for him. That's why he moved back to his parents because she is the one to take care of our D6 while he naps on couch or showers. Should I offer him the way to save or let him figure it out on his own? I have already given him the calender for December so he knows whats going on with our D6 for singing at sunday school and school. I like to have things ironed out otherwise our D6 suffers, not him.

My mind is going in circles, I just don't know what I'm doing any more. Some days he cares, other days he could care less about anything or anyone.

[misshim]

Since I don't have internet at home, I have to wait for a quiet day at work to post. I'm hoping for some answers to this from last night's drama.

My xh dropped off our D6 and he wouldn't talk to me but texted me. enjoy ! -- I thought he meant that our D6 had been a handful for him for the 2 hrs he had her. I texted why? - then my D6 pulled out some beef sticks out of her backpack to give to me, from him. I told him thanks you and that I appreciated it very much. (was always our favorite when we were married)

Then he asks me if he gave me cash, would I go xmas shopping for our D6 for him. But leave the present at my house for her to open. He knows I have a roomate and that they both hate each other, so I think he wanted her to open it up in front of the roomate. But I'm not sure.

Then out of the blue he texted and asked if I had any guilt for me keeping his air compressor (in our barn) and not giving it back. I texted him, that he seems to have forgotten that I had it ready for him to take this past summer, but he told me he couldn't get until the next day. He never asked for it that next day, so I didn't bring it up. But last night he slammed me with that? I told him I was sorry he was mad at me, (then I reminded him of the summer when he didn't want to take it) but I also told him he could take it whenever he wanted. And I texted, also that I have some guilt over things, but not about his air compressor.

He texted me saying he can't believe, I'm trying to keep it from him. He also texted that I'm not supposed to shop for him, he couldn't believe himself that he had even asked me to do it for him !!

I was shocked, because he was always a quiet guy. I was angry at first (to myself) but I took a deep breath. I texted, I'm sorry you are angry right now. The air compressor will be ready for you whenever you want it. And if you still need my help with xmas shopping for our D6, let me know. Take care of yourself.

Oh my !! he never replied back. How could he go from being nice, to attack !!! He is so forgetful about D6's issues of school. He even admits that I need to remind him of things because he can't remember alot. We've been divorced since aug. 09. I don't feel like being his mom anymore. Yet find myself still willing to help him out.

Does anyone have any ideas of how I should have handled the situation from last night? A good friend of mine, told me to tell him that hey, we are divorced now and that was his choice. I am not his mother, so tell him to leave me alone.

This whole thing is a nightmare!! I still love him, and I want to help him. Seems like everytime I do, it comes back to bite me. Now that we are divorced, I'm not sure how to handle him.

Any ideas?? I wanted to validate his feelings when he was angry about the a/compressor, but deep down it really ticked me off. He had to have forgotten about the summer convo already???

[misshim]

Crazy as always. They say that when you are divorced you are never really detached from our x's. Our D6 is having issues at school and they recommended to take her to the doctor for possible medication and counseling.

The school has repeatedly asked him to fill out a questionnaire regarding our d-6 and to come in for our meeting w/teacher & psychologist. Xh refused. I really think that he is more afraid of them telling him that he has issues.

Funny how we really are still connected, yet he just won't get involved with her. He doesn't look thru her school work/homework. He told me her behavior is fine when he has her. Of course it is, he still lives w/parents and his mother takes care of her so he can take a nap or shower.

It's all so frustrating. Everything he told me as to why he divorced me. All that he hated about "our" life and all that he wanted to do (that's why he left)and he hasn't done a thing to get "his" dream.

I'm trying the best I can, and I have a great support system within my church and d6 school. I've moved on with my life, but it is slow going. I finally went out in our small town on a saturday night. It's hard to hear alot of my x's old friends talk so bad about him. (They still don't like his behavior) But at the same time, I wanted to know what he's doing, I also told myself -- I don't care what he's doing.

I think I even smiled abit with that revelation to myself.

Divorced but yet sometimes it still feels like I'm on the roller coaster ride.

His winter depression is still in full swing and alot of lies. But I don't say anything to him or correct him. It's not my place anymore.

[misshim]

How should I respond? I have been in contact with my xh regarding our d6, possible ADHD w/oppositional & defiant disorder. School has been very hard for her and I'm taking her to the doctor soon. I notified xh about appointment. He's not happy and saying that I am the one who is doing this to our D. Now she will be labeled and on pills.

XH does see his D6 - 9 hours a week, but he can't seem to get her homework or reading done with her. And she does need the help !

Funny how even though we're divorced, we will always have to communicate about our D6. I guess it just hurts to hear him accuse me of making this up with D6. School noticed and I met with them (he never showed) regarding this issue.

I'm trying to move forward from this divorce, but I guess it's just so hard when I spend most of the time with D6 and I am trying to handle the issues that arise.

He's acting the happy, carefree x. But like he texted me this am. He hoped that I would just hit a semi! How age appropriate his comments are. Kind of like a 12 year old ???

He hates me because I care, and I want to help her through life. And no matter what I WILL be there for her. Unlike him who thinks quality time is to pickup his child and then drop her off so someone else watches her. No wonder he doesn't think she has any issues. He's not there for the meetings or to help with homework.

D6 was sick with the flu when he had her from Saturday thru Sunday. She got sick all over him and the bed !! Ha !

But he had to text me all about it. Then when he got it, he had to text me every few hours to tell me how sick he was. Argh !

I didn't answer him, why?

I just feel like I keep pushing on and getting no where.

[christienick]

you really want this guy back? interesting...

[misshim]

Does is really seem like I want him back? Wow!! I don't know. I don't like the panic attacks I get when I think about him. The fact that before he divorced me he said that he knows that I am a good mother to our d6. But now that our D6 needs extra help, he thinks I'm a loser.

He knows how much I love our d6. I told him that I will do anything to protect her. I feel frustrated at the lack of him caring about our d6. Sure he has her for 9 hours total a week. From what I understand, that is good for someone in MLC to do. I don't force him to do it, he wants to. But then play with her or do her homework or extra reading when you have her. but he doesn't and that's not right.

Do I want him back?? NO, do I want him to grow up and be a good father? Yes, but now I'm afraid that he might try and take our d6's new medication or try to sell it. I guess it is just depressing to have to worry about that kind of stuff right now.

But thanks for answering me. This road just [censored] ! I hover around these boards and some days are more positive than others.