I know I was in that very spot several months ago. Kept wanting to see the 'old' H instead of the new, not so improved version. I believe it was put in Brooklyn's thread as 'seeing with your heart, not your eyes' That is very true of most of us. Some of us reach a point in this journey where we are able to open our eyes, and detach. Some take longer than others.
For me, being dark was always the best. It allowed me to detach, GAL, and have some pretense of peace. And everything you said made perfect sense to me. This time of year isn't going to make anything easier for any of us, is it?
Hope you got back to sleep and got some rest. ((HUGS))
