Thanks Alb, I'll do my best. Its nice to follow your post right now too. The place you are in your R seems so far away right now, but I am glad you have made it to the point you are. Gives me hope, but I am verry far from there right now.
Woke up tonight crying. Think my brain kept dreaming on the problems I am wrestling with. I have been looking back lately at my R with H over the last year and how different it got from better times. Not ready to post all of it yet. It hurts too much right now. Especially the part about how I refused to see how he was hurting me.
My IC a couple of weeks ago asked why I didn't want to see that my H was abusing me right now. He had crossed the line at some point, and that abuse can't be tollerated in a healthy R. I knew that he was right, but didn't know why I kept excusing his behavior.
Right now, I think I have been afraid of admitting how much he has been hurting me over the past year because I want so bad to hold on to when he did treat me with love. I want to think that he loves(d) me. That the person I love was still in there somewhere and is still worth loving.
But... these are seperate people, all wraped up in one face. One of them loved and cherrished me. The other one just keeps hurting me, like he is trying to punnish me. If I don't seperate these two people in how I act with them I will continue to be hurt. My 'new' H needs new bounderies. I can't keep pretending that the man I see now is the man who used to be there.
Breaks my heart and I just don't understand why. Guets the why doesn't matter, just what I do about it.
Right now I need to be as dark as I can be with my H. I have to keep up contact for my daughter, so those walls are going up arround my heart. I can't let him keep hurting me. Have to keep building those walls till I can learn to protect myself.
Don't know if any of that made sense, just needed to get it out. I'm going to try to go back to sleep now.
