"This is becoming a trauma. I have been the positive/upbeat/optimistic one for so, so long..."
No one is saying you should endure trauma. Detach. Man up. Fine. Set boundaries. But if you push for an answer or a commitment right now, you will get an answer you don't want. You'll also be acting out of pain and striking out. Wait until you are OK yourself, figure out your boundaries, and then set them.
Wait 48 hours. Then, if you must do something, do something that takes care of YOU and isn't about controlling W: "W, I'm not OK with making Christmas plans as a family while you are still involved with OM, thus I'll be making my own plans with the kids. I'd like to figure out a schedule so they can share time with us both."
You don't need to offer explanations, or argue, or anything. That is simply your very reasonable boundary.
If you aren't happy watching a movie with her, go out and watch a movie with a friend or by yourself. QUIT doing things that don't feel good, but find positive replacements.
She isn't there for you right now. Quit being more into the R than she is (this does not mean to start dating). Give her her space.
If you weren't married, would you marry her tomorrow? Don't expect for her to fully commit to a M she doesn't even know if she wants. She is open to C. That is enough for one month. Patience.
Ok - no talks tonight. Why...I am too tired, physically, mentally, emotionally. I am exhausted and was afraid if I said anything it would be reacting off of emotions/feelings and not have gone off well. So I wait. So it'll be at least 24 hours and i will re-evaluate tomorrow.
SANDI - hoping for some thoughts from you. I've got Puppy and Greek giving me advice...like you, they have been with me a long time.
Tonight she started off as a royal bi&*% but then snapped out of that. Said she had a long, tough day at work (she did, I confirmed with others and she told OM in email she had no time to write him back but that OM he "was the one, the plan, I never imagine being with anyone else. I just want to go back"
Then she snapped out of that mood and was more of her new normal and told me she just felt off all day. She asked casually if I had time to call any Cs today (which I didn't) so I said no and that is all that was said. My gut is telling me the C is her way of proving to me that our M will never work...
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
I was afraid his rejection of her was his way of pulling her back in, and it worked. Got to admit, I'm with the others who say to stop giving her rope.
My gut is telling me the C is her way of proving to me that our M will never work...
So, why not make sure this won't be the case? You are the one between the two of you that has educated yourself on how this works.
My last attempt GW. I haven't 'been with you a long time' and it seems as though you might be looking for the answers you want to hear. Sorry. My tough love sent your way.
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
Evolve Don't worry about not being with me for a long time. That isn't relevant. You actually know me and my sitch better than most. I do value your input as well as everyone else's. I am processing it all. I've received so many inputs yesterday it was almost too much...but that is good. In the end, I have to make this decision. Sorry, can't quite say where/how I got other inputs or risk getting banned from here. Some of the advice was good, some wasn't.
I am a person who trusts my gut. My gut is telling me that MC is square filling for her so she can say to me, the kids, and family/friends, look I tried. So...I am still debating whether I will go to MC with her with OM still in the middle of things. IC certainly...for both of us...but not sure about MC
I am not looking for the answers I want to hear, because that answer doesn't exist. That magic pill that takes away all the pain and makes W forget OM doesn't exist.
Evolve, I value our friendship, don't be afraid to speak your mind, I appreciate hearing from you and your thoughts
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
I hear that you are scared MC will be her way of justifying and you may be very correct.
It seems you have the financial resources to bring out the 'big guns' (Michelle, etc.). I would not go to a run-of-the-mill MC either. Especially with that feeling in my gut.
IC for you regardless. She can also use an IC for whatever her agenda is...
You must be exhausted. I am so proud of you for being able to give it 48 hours.
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
I am exhausted and I am looking for a good family therapist with experience in infedility.
They are still emailing back and forth. Reflecting on all this, I suspect W just wants to make through Xmas and try to build up courage for D. I also think that once again she might have to hit rock bottom to actually make a decision. A tough love approach is probably the only thing that might get her to that point. Waiting around and fillind her security need, while OM fills all other needs, and none of my needs are being met just doesn't work for me. I've lived that...I lived that from Nov - Jul.
Limbo land sucks. It drains you. I lived in limbo for a long time before. Now back in limbo for 3 more weeks. Its not healthy for me. I don't want to become damaged goods.
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
"W, it doesn't work for me to do partner or family activities with you while you remain involved with OM. So, we need to make separate plans for the holidays, devise a childcare schedule to split duties, figure out a budget for each of us, and so on."
No need to doormat. Be a strong capable independent male. Let go, detach. By all means, go full steam ahead with the Last Resort Technique, it is pretty much where everyone who makes it to these boards should start:
MWD Last Resort Technique strategies Stop the chase Do not initiate any contact (unless child-oriented) Be friendly but brief if contacting Be unpredictable Be upbeat Stop saying, “I love you” Quit convincing spouse the marriage has been good or can get better No relationship talk No requests for reassurance No resistance to negative comments Get a life
Basically, QUIT BEING A DOORMAT mooning and moping over wife.
Of course, if you are really prepared to divorce her NOW if she doesn't stop contact with OM, then sure, go for it: "W, I know you are involved with OM still. Unless this stops immediately and you are fully transparent, I will file for divorce tomorrow." But, you SHOULD NOT do this for effect, or to try to jolt her to reality. You SHOULD ONLY do this if you truly want to act swiftly if you don't get what you want. Given she is asking for IC and MC, the timing of this move is very questionable to me.
And, you should ONLY ever threaten divorce if you are content to lessen opportunities for reconciliation. Doing so WILL force her into a corner before she's ready to choose one, and as you will be doing the forcing, she's much more likely to go to the other corner.
