My marriage broke up because I couldn't commit wholly and lovingly to the R.
I know, I know, it takes 2. My IC is practically beating me to accept that it takes 2, and the whole thing was not 100% my fault.
But this is where I am on the journey.
The baby news has just knocked me back. Who knew? The only thing that gives me consolation is picturing him out walking the dog in the morning, pushing a stroller and holding a plastic bag of dog-doo.
So, the grief is hitting me hard. I guess I am just feeling the pain that I blocked so effectively with anxiety and alcohol last year.
I thought of LFA, who wrote that when she saw her STBXH in December for the divorce, it would be a year since she had seen him.
I can almost say that. Mid-December last year, we met to go over finances. I saw him out of the corner of my eye in March at Town Meeting. We spoke on the phone in May when he gave me the happy marriage news. Anyhow, the point is I still get knocked over when I think it has been a year since we really saw or spoke.
My IC asks if I am still "wrestling with reality" (Byron Katie and all)
I hope not. Every time I say "I can't believe this happened!" I answer "you CAN believe it. It did."
So, the grief is present, and hard. I do find I can be pulled out of my sorrow by almost any little friendly interaction--and my students and friends are great for that. So at least I am not in the numb unresponsive phase, anymore.
Wish me luck as I try to take these steps to self-forgiveness. It almost seems the hardest thing of all.
