LRT and Christmas

[barbsing1]

missher -

Thanks again for another really great response. You make a lot of sense. But damned - this is really stinkin' hard. I struggle with the daily rejection and I struggle with knowing he is still in touch with his ex-wife. I gave him an empty ultimatum before thanksgiving that was disastrous and which set me back weeks if not months. Yet I still stew and fume over allowing him to stay here and basically giving him carte blanche to have his affair. I recently found out his ex is also a past drug addict - which makes me even more upset. He is going to sacrifice his beautiful children, lovely home, loving, educated, attractive, authentic and loyal spouse for her - a hot mess, a serial adulterer (if it happens, this will be the 3rd marriage she has played a part in breaking up)???? Ugh!!! Makes me sick.

I've asked this before and would love a response, esp. from DB Mod. The question always arises as to what the WAS finds so attractive about the OW - in my case, it's unrequited love. She rejected him 21 years ago and now is begging for him back. I can't compete with history or the fantasy of the past.

So here I am again, focusing on the marriage and not focusing on myself. Actually, last week I had 3 evenings out. H started asking questions after the third.

We had 1 R talk last week. My birthday is coming up and I wanted to know if he had plans for us (guess I should have just made my own without asking him) - birthdays have always been special around here and traveling is always involved. He told me he wasn't comfortable on an overnight trip with me (even though he went to Vegas and we had fun - no expectations) because he didn't want to "lead me on" (another cruel comment) but that he wanted to help me celebrate my birthday if I wanted. I shared that this hurt me. He muttered something about ruining my birthday and Christmas - he does a lot of muttering about how he is messing things up. I just responded with "that's an awful lot of pressure to put on yourself" and left it at that. He reiterated for the 100th time (at least!) that he can't love me the way I need to be loved. I get blamed for a lot. I know the WAS in an affair tends to blame everyone but themselves in order to justify their behavior but I really get tired of hearing this line. It's cruel. It's mean-hearted. He also said he was still thinking about separating again at the end of the holidays but that it wasn't just his decision. I agreed that it was not just his decision but that I would honor any decision he made as he would have to honor any I made. He then asked me if I was dating anyone because I had been gone a lot. I explained that wasn't how I "rolled" and that I was committed to our marriage until the ink was dry on the papers.

I made reservations for my birthday at a mountain lodge for me and the kids. I will invite H to join us if he chooses.

We helped the kids decorate the tree yesterday and he was horrible toward them. Snapping and clicking his tongue at them. Being mean and distant toward me. I did my best to ignore him and keep the kids away from him.

I read the Dobson Tough Love book and am now considering this. I know it goes against DB tactics...but I'm tired of being disrespected. I'm tired of hiding under my bed, crying and begging God for mercy - to just put me out of this pain. I spoke with my pastor on Saturday and, without my prompting or sharing that I had read the Dobson book, told me I had to implement tough love on my H - to force him to the end of his rope. Anyway - just something I am considering.

Last night, after tucking the kids in before I went to bed, I looked at their angelic faces and made a decision. Today would be a different day. I would focus on them. ENJOY them instead of obsessing about my R with H - that is stealing time away from my children. H called twice today and I didn't pick up the phone - and for the first time, it was not a strategic move. I just didn't feel like talking to him - I wanted to spend time with the kids instead.