Ended up with a nice morning with D then went to work for just a 1/2 day. I did take a much happier D to day care for just a couple of hours – but only after updating the director on my girl being sick and getting her ok. H did get off early to get D, but couldn’t get there before I needed to get in to work.
H continues the increased chattiness and phone calls. No snappy or irritated behavior either. H seems to genuinely appreciate my opening up our plans for the holiday to him. I have applied no pressure and have no expectations for his involvement though. I have been surprised by how much H seems to want to do together.
I do expect pullback at some point, and probably soon. Just a ‘feeling’ but I still think OW would be up for sainthood if she’s not jealous of the time H spends with me and D too. Since she is sleeping with a married man though, I doubt she is really that selfless and understanding. It’s just a ‘feeling’ though.
Despite the increased contact, I have pulled back lately. I only email or text about D. When it is time for D to tell daddy goodnight, I put her on speaker phone right away. I don’t call to talk to him at all any more. If I have a schedule question I email or text. H on the other hand is calling about this stuff more and more.
I am keeping my distance physically. I don’t seek physical contact right now. I also don’t invite H to come over in the evening either. I know I’m not prepared for any more intimate encounters right now.
I don’t ask for help with anything around the house. I also don’t let him know what I am doing unless it involves our girl. I don’t ask or even inform him when I rearrange something in my home any more either.
I don’t ask questions or make comments about what he does. When his change of address confirmation came here, I just put it on the counter for him to find.
I try not to follow up when he tells me he wants to do something. I had (and still have) my own holiday gift plan, just in case H forgot about him wanting to do gifts together. The iPhone too... If my phone completely breaks I will just go to the shop that day and get the free one on my plan. No stress.
I am asking for things I want, but skipping any explanation when possible. Nothing big, just stuff like him cleaning up after his camping trip and giving me more notice about scheduling with D3.
I am continuing my goal of a ‘safe’ home for my daughter, myself, and even for my H when he comes around. D is doing much better with this new schedule too. She is less anxious and sad. It makes me happy to see her impish smile coming back out again. I missed that. Her doing better lets me relax when she is with her daddy more too.
I think my task right now is to take a good hard look at both myself and the man I married. I am looking for what was missing, broken, and dysfunctional. I am looking to find what I need to heal in myself.
