Ok after some soul searching and talking from the wife I have a new perspective on this whole situation.
Six years ago I took a job/large pay raise that took me away from home 4 days a week some 2 hours away due to financial problems caused by W's spending (what caused that is another issue). During those four days (M-TH) I sleep at my sister's place as a crash pad. Then I would be home F-Su. W said she was onboard with this idea (although now she says she wasn't)and starting looking for new places to live near where I was going to work. At the time she was working part time retail low wages and we had 2D age 5 and 2. I decided not to move at the time since the new job, although it paid much more with great benefits, was more shaky security wise so I wanted to see how it turned out.
Fast forward to 2006, W gets pregnant unplanned and new job seems to be solid. However, at this time I made decision not to move. My reasoning was as follows: I had a son on the way, my wife was then going back to school so she could make decent money, and wife and daughters were growing roots (by this time had been in the area for 6 years).
My son was born Oct 2006 (W has told me this is when she decided it was over). W soon became unhappy. Probably around S first birthday, W and I had falling out. It had to do with her continued spending problems which were forcing me to stay at the far away job in order to make ends meet. She continued spending on cards and I continued to bail her out until I decided no more and her accounts went into collection (they still are to this day with at least one judgement against her). Because of this I went very dark without knowing at the time what that meant. We barely spoke for 6 months. This is when she started hanging out at the boiling alley and probably had first affair.
We reconciled after this very passionately (which she now forgets). I remember overhearing her and friend saying that she had decided to work it out with me. Unfortunately, the deeper issues where not resolved. She finished school and started working part then full time. We started making headway financially but leaving far away job and working locally again would have been a step back financially.
Fast forward 2008 wife starts EA with grandson of patient where she works. He's cocky, bad boy with crooked grin ie her type as she describes it. I see the handwriting on the wall, an affair is imminent (I later learned she was considering running away with him to a job in NM that never materialized). So here I made a mistake. I told her go ahead and sleep with him. My faulty reasoning being that my knowledge and approval would take the excitement and mystery out of it. That and my dedication to the marriage was wavering and we had discussed an open marriage. For quite some time that approach actually worked but eventually a PA occurred with the unfortunate passing of an STD from OM to W to me (I was ready to call it quits then but in MA sadly staying married is a better option for the H both financially and child wise). Of course affair ended badly.
I thought then was the time to get marriage back together but wife quickly entered EA/PA with friend from the billiard scene that she had moved into. At first she denied it, saying she had learned her lesson and saying I was overreacting. Then she admitted to just sleeping with him once and of course I learned that it was an ongoing affair. By this time I would have to be brain dead not to see all kinds of red flags. Unfortunately my efforts to get back near home work wise failed. All the local places were laying off due to the financial crisis, my W got fired from her job and I held on to my job just barely. All this came to a head back in the beginning of October with W having abortion (she told me it was mine, told OM it was definitely his). Then a falling out with OM. I thought she had hit rock bottom and I was dedicated to saving my marriage and family. She immediately took up with 51 year old who she says she is madly in love with, the one she has been waiting for, the one who is going to save her from her downward spiral.
Now during all this I have tried everything I could think of the fix, deal, correct, combat etc these issues (this is before I knew about DB. Currently, we both still live together with kids. Every other weekend she goes to be with OM and on my weekend I can do whatever I want. With the economy started to look a little better, I am interviewing for a job 20 minutes away.
I hope this fleshed out my previous posts so everyone can get a better idea of my Jerry Springer story and hopefully provide more precise advise. Sorry for the length of the post. And yes I have grown to love her deeply. I believe she is a good person who has just made bad choices. I am just confused about how my situation fits into the DB plan.
Well yesterday afternoon the OM dropped W off at my daughter's indoor soccer game after they spent the weekend together. We were friendly to each other which has been a goal of mine that I think I reached by just trying to be her friend. I think the huge problem is that she sees me as a weak man/doormat so I took her aside when we got home and told her in a low firm voice that what she has done to me is horrible and regardless of me being a weak man or not, she made the conscious decision to take advantage of that and hurt me and treat me poorly and that is not going to happen anymore regardless of who it is.
After that she made dinner for the family and I helped (another of her pet peeves). The rest of the evening was enjoyable, with me treating her like a bratty little sister and us busting on each other. The kids and I decorated the Christmas tree and she baked brownies and cookies. We joked with each other about how I ate all the stuff she prepared for Thankgiving (I was a picky eater, it bothered her and I am making an effort to enjoy more of her food which is really good). She occassionally would drop comments like how her mother said W should have divorced me sooner (due to me eating more of the food she makes) or she will have to make me food next year on the Holidays we aren't together. I think this means she is noticing the changes I am making? We even had a tickle fight while we made dinner. I don't know if all this is pursuing. I don't call, text, say I love you, started GAL etc. But it does seem to be working somewhat. She has lost respect for me and I am working on rebuilding my self esteem for me/kids and if it is something she likes than so be it.
