I hear ya! Listen I get told a lot "I wish my W were like you..." your W's are like me, right now they are where I was. My H sounded like you all back then. And it drove me crazy that he just didnt listen and understand. You know what, it drove him crazy I didnt listen and understand him. My H tried to explain his insecurity therefore his need for the physical touch etc. to feel like things were going to be okay and so on. But to me I only heard him being selfish and thinking of himself and not trying to understand me well guess what that was me as well. At the time all he said was falling on deaf angry ears. I didnt want to hear about his feelings I just didnt care anymore he didnt care about mine when it was only me hurting, he dismissed me. I kept telling him for so long this is costing you and he would just laugh at me and say oh yeah what... well it cost both of us.
My h kept telling me leaving him was not the answer, my pain would follow me no matter what my zip code was. He kept telling me I had to deal with the past etc. To me I just needed to get away from him so I could think and it just made me so crazy that he couldnt understand my feelings. I expressed my anger and hatred to him, I told him I felt like I would never be normal again thanks to him. But I felt like he just wasnt getting it. why couldnt he just understand I would never be able to love him again and if he truly loved me why would he keep begging me to stay where I wasnt happy.
I tried to be nice and just get along like friends and he would take that as things were going to be okay and press forward then I would blow up and say all the mean things so he would realize, I still feel like this I am just not wanting to throw it in your face constantly yet it just seemed he so easily forgot or just wasnt listening to me.
For a while I was feeling so angry at him for not moving along in the direction I watched the guys here at the site going. Why couldnt he be like them?! Well he didnt have the tools and he was living in that whirlwind of confusion and not going and getting the answers from counseling etc. He didnt have all the great advice and suport all of us here at the board have. Then I felt angry for him not seeking it like those here. Their journey is their own and they have to go at their pace. He saw me growing and changing and that made him nervous that gave me all the more reason to leave. I kept on and he kept on his way. he recently joined me about a month ago in moving this direction. reading and learning and trying to work on himself. Believe me I wanted to give up on him countless times as a matter of fact I decided to get a D a little over a month ago. That gave him a jolt and woke him up. This time he was ready to do something. I still dont know that he wont turn around on me again but I am really feeling like this is his last chance.
I do understand now where my H was with his insecurity and the way he behaved. I learned that here reading so many come here doing and saying all the things he said to me. The people here helped me to understand my H.
and I try to help the guys understand their W's, even though my situation is a bit extreme many of the feelings and actions are the same. I beleive the severity of my situation is what as made me have to seek answers and work on myself. it was obvious to me I needed help and needed to heal after all I had been through. Also going through BFC family week really opend my eyes to so much especially learning about family of origin and my children are my driving force and motivation. I know many look at my situation and think well look how much more she went through and here she is trying but you know I really feel that was my added push. I imagine I would probably be more like the GW's on this board had I not have so much to overcome. I have been blessed with my lessons and as much as I dont want to go through any of it again, I am thankful for my past for it lead me to where I am now. everything happens for a reason and everything we go through we can choose to learn and grow and build character, or just break down give up and be miserable and full of resentment and bitterness.
