For New Year's I reserved a room in a luxurios hotel in San Juan,fine dinning and entertainment [beautiful]. New Year's eve there having a ball [whatever] a formal party. They are having a concert with popular artists. I told my husband my plans, I didnt invite him, I dont want him to think that I'm needy. I want him to go more then anything. And as his wife the rejection would hurt too. I'm sure he has other plans anyways. He told me this weekend he is going to think about weather or not he is going to file. Those words haunt me. Although I gathered my strength, smiled and said "yeah thats alot to think about, but do what ever you gotta do." Normally I would have given him guilt trips and if that didnt work I would of cried and if that didnt work I would insult him and if if if if......got the idea. What a show. However he killed me all over again. A bat to my emotions. I do not want this.
Sue, thanks for resurrecting this thread, i dont know how I missed it since I've read much of your posts. Your points on detachment are well taken, something I definitely need to work on.
another thread I did like this one was "stop wasting personal energy" it was a problems solving thread. its in this forum.
I have over 1100 posts, so I am sure there is many you havent seen, and my typing still isnt any better
Sera, I hope he goes with you! I think just hearing about that will get him thinking about it and with you changing your ways that should get his attention as well. I knwo its hard! I am sure he noticed the diference in your reaction from the usual if if ifs great job!!!
Okay giving my self the cyber boot for today! keep DBing and PMA!!!
I'm having a challenging time totally detaching (due to child involved and I'm only intervening when child requests) so thought I would re-read this thread for your suggestions.
Imagine my surprise when I read that you consider me your mentor and a celebrity (that last one is a tad scary...LOL). I am very honored that you think that highly of me because I DEFINITELY think very highly of you.
You are an amazing woman and your insight into anger has been beneficial for me. It helped me recognize how resentful I was (at myself but blaming H) for a very long time another lifetime ago and how angry my H is (at himself but he hasn't figured it out yet and it sure doesn't help that the OW is encouraging the anger to be directed at me either although I do constantly remind myself that I'm still the closest person to him since he keeps projecting onto me -- the good in the bad *sigh*).
Thanks for steering me to "stop wasting personal energy". I hate to admit it but I see some of your husbands traits in myself (the need for emotional/physical intimacy, affirmation, etc) and although My major goal is to work on myself, it is difficult to not be obsessed with the whole situation. I wish that my w where like you and would talk about things more but i am always the one who initiates any discussion. I guess it is since I am the most insecure right now. I've sworn to stop initiating any discussions of "us", I wont say "i love you" anymore and I wont initiate any physical touching adn kissing since I always get rejected and she's not ready for it. Again thanks for your input. I appreciate more than you can imagine.
I actually had a much more detailed post but the damn pc froze up on me. Talk to you later.
I hear ya! Listen I get told a lot "I wish my W were like you..." your W's are like me, right now they are where I was. My H sounded like you all back then. And it drove me crazy that he just didnt listen and understand. You know what, it drove him crazy I didnt listen and understand him. My H tried to explain his insecurity therefore his need for the physical touch etc. to feel like things were going to be okay and so on. But to me I only heard him being selfish and thinking of himself and not trying to understand me well guess what that was me as well. At the time all he said was falling on deaf angry ears. I didnt want to hear about his feelings I just didnt care anymore he didnt care about mine when it was only me hurting, he dismissed me. I kept telling him for so long this is costing you and he would just laugh at me and say oh yeah what... well it cost both of us.
My h kept telling me leaving him was not the answer, my pain would follow me no matter what my zip code was. He kept telling me I had to deal with the past etc. To me I just needed to get away from him so I could think and it just made me so crazy that he couldnt understand my feelings. I expressed my anger and hatred to him, I told him I felt like I would never be normal again thanks to him. But I felt like he just wasnt getting it. why couldnt he just understand I would never be able to love him again and if he truly loved me why would he keep begging me to stay where I wasnt happy.
I tried to be nice and just get along like friends and he would take that as things were going to be okay and press forward then I would blow up and say all the mean things so he would realize, I still feel like this I am just not wanting to throw it in your face constantly yet it just seemed he so easily forgot or just wasnt listening to me.
For a while I was feeling so angry at him for not moving along in the direction I watched the guys here at the site going. Why couldnt he be like them?! Well he didnt have the tools and he was living in that whirlwind of confusion and not going and getting the answers from counseling etc. He didnt have all the great advice and suport all of us here at the board have. Then I felt angry for him not seeking it like those here. Their journey is their own and they have to go at their pace. He saw me growing and changing and that made him nervous that gave me all the more reason to leave. I kept on and he kept on his way. he recently joined me about a month ago in moving this direction. reading and learning and trying to work on himself. Believe me I wanted to give up on him countless times as a matter of fact I decided to get a D a little over a month ago. That gave him a jolt and woke him up. This time he was ready to do something. I still dont know that he wont turn around on me again but I am really feeling like this is his last chance.
I do understand now where my H was with his insecurity and the way he behaved. I learned that here reading so many come here doing and saying all the things he said to me. The people here helped me to understand my H.
and I try to help the guys understand their W's, even though my situation is a bit extreme many of the feelings and actions are the same. I beleive the severity of my situation is what as made me have to seek answers and work on myself. it was obvious to me I needed help and needed to heal after all I had been through. Also going through BFC family week really opend my eyes to so much especially learning about family of origin and my children are my driving force and motivation. I know many look at my situation and think well look how much more she went through and here she is trying but you know I really feel that was my added push. I imagine I would probably be more like the GW's on this board had I not have so much to overcome. I have been blessed with my lessons and as much as I dont want to go through any of it again, I am thankful for my past for it lead me to where I am now. everything happens for a reason and everything we go through we can choose to learn and grow and build character, or just break down give up and be miserable and full of resentment and bitterness.
But what about the situation where the SO who is wanting the D is not at a place where they are reasearching etc. They are still looking at the withdrawal, self needs, Op stuff and it is the one who was left behind who is improving and trying to save things.
Such as in my case. (Of course W could be doing these things and just not saying anything!) Hope Hope!! I have told her that I am in this BB group and I have sent her Michele's and Dr. Harley's home page info. SO I guess I am making an unfair judgemetn by saying that she is not doing these things too.
I just assume that if she were, she would say something to bring things back to a more positive light. Maybe?? Or would she think that keeping the pressure on will force it home better?
Pondering, its great to hear from you. I just wish things were going better for you. detaching dosnt mean you cant intervene for your child I dont think. we have to take care of our children thats what moms do its not codependent in this situation Its the keeping it from hurting us part we have to detach from and thats too much to ask when we feel someone is hurting our children.
Have you seen a counselor or taken your child for family counseling? Perhaps you can talk to your H about family counseling for the childs sake being there seems to be some behaviors possibly indicating this D affecting the child.
I know I had a great link for a site about kids I am looking for it for you. You know what I think I got it from Dr Harleys Newsletter. okay at the moment I cant find it darn it but I will post it somewhere for you when I find it.
Rob, you are making my head spin!!! lol. I just dont have all the answers for you. so many feel that frustration you are going through right now.
All you can do at this point is work on you the only one you have control over.
there have been DBers whos SO left for the OM/OW and later came back.
It sounds to me like your W runs from her problems. Hence, leaving a second marriage and seeking suport with this OM. She is putting the responsibility of her happiness on others rather then looking to herself.
Try not to obsess on her and really work on yourself. Try to Let go and let God. Letting go dosnt mean giving up and closing the door but it will help you on your journey.
You insight is very good. I have been posting on the infidelity site under Truth or Lies. There is a lady named Helen that has been very helpful on the detaching stuff.
My background is wife has had an EA for about a year (to my knowledge) full disclouse by her 6 weeks ago. No real change in her distant withdrawen nice but not really the same person.
It has gotten to the point that I have begun to detach. I guess in a lot of ways all through this period I have needed confirmation from her that everything is OK. Maybe a hug a kiss or something like a call from her. I must look and act very needy. She sometimes will kiss me or give me a hug. Sex in the last two years has always been started by me. Now forget about it and it is almost always me asking for it and her saying no. This has gone on all year.
Funny but over the last month or so through a natural process I feel myself detaching from her. I am becoming stronger (still have moments of weakness). My big problem with detaching is if I do this am I still giving 110% to the marriage. I would hate to have us end up getting divoried without me knowing in my heart that I have not given it 110%.
So how can you really work on your marriage while detaching. Your background sounds a little like my wife. I have been the one to suggest couseling (she goes), I read the books, go the Internet etc. She does nothing in these areas.
So please help me find the balace between detaching and working on our marriage. The goodness that I have done over the last year has not gone unoticed from my wife. Her behavior though has gotten worse. Contact with OM she says is none now.
although I do constantly remind myself that I'm still the closest person to him since he keeps projecting onto me -- the good in the bad *sigh*).
