Can I save this?-previously under WAS

[ericmsant2]

Cub

(formerly) happy and attractive 30 something couple that dated badly

That’s much better than an UGLY 30 something couple that never dated. Just kidding.  What do you mean by dated badly?

I was worse off though-she literally is the only person I ever had a steady relationship with.

Hmmm…..”I was worse off”….Hmmm…some insecurity issues surfacing here? What do YOU think?

I think she had one or two boyfriends earlier.

And this matters WHY?

First MC basically wrote off our marriage because we were young by Manhattan standards when we married: 24 and 20 (!).

Hopefully you stopped going to this counselor. FTR, age should not define the success or failure of a M. IMO, COMMUNICATION does amongst a few other key ingredients. So Cub, are you telling yourself that your M cannot survive because you were young when you married?

I am trying to find him again as fast as I can.

Well he is inside of you, which is good. You are searching for him, which is really good. Do you know what is holding you back?

I wonder if I was always just a ticket out.

Nothing like a negative thought to help liven the mood. Stop trying to figure all of this out. Stop trying to overanalyze the M. Just focus on YOU. Psst… hint….keep searching for the strong guy that your W fell in love with.

And I got run over several times over the years since we married. By her, by the school system's decisions that made my job hard or impossible, and in my efforts to build my conducting career. Without even questioning it I made sacrifices to help her out.

Boohoo…you want to be a victim or a survivor? You choose which role you want to play buddy.
You can sit here and post all about how YOU did this or that for her and how she did not do this or that for YOU. That my friend, is a victim mentality. Now, if ya don’t want to be a victim – man the f*ck up and start looking at your role in all of this…cause no matter what you say to me – you both are probably at fault. So focus on YOU and not her. Sorry the “soft” responding poster took the day off and your stuck with me (that is a little humor)

In the 12 years that we were in Baltimore-Washington her star rose, mine did not so much fade as simply become more behind the scenes.

A little jealous Cub? Maybe a little? Do you think that maybe you were a little complacient? Hmmm…do you want the M to work because you love her OR because you are afraid ya can’t make it on your own? FTR, us NYer’s are some tough sons a bi*ches.

She no longer feels I can be a viable partner for her because she is performing at Lincoln Center every week, and I am finishing a doctoral degree that has no guarantees attached.

1) F*ck what she feels right now.
2) Do you think you are a viable partner for her? If not, then why? I think I know the answer but do you?

And I have not made friends outside of our relationship in a long time. She resents that; the truth is that I could never bond with my co workers because I was just too different.

Different is NOT a bad thing buddy. At the end of the day, what you are going through right now is really more about YOU. So were YOU happy having not made friends?

I was too forgiving,

Boy this sounds like a little anger coming out…. FTR, forgiveness is something we give ourselves as a gift.

too willing to spoil her,

Sound like some more anger….not sure about you but if my W was not off fu*king someone else I may not mind spoiling her. So honestly dude, if things were okay between you two you would be thinking differently.

too attached to her.

Repeat after me…..DB 101 – DETACH, DETACH, DETACH….

It was a weakness from the beginning and I have to relearn it.

I think you have a learn WHO You are first but then again what do I know.

Since my time is split it has been very difficult to get out in NYC and have it have any meaning-I went to a museum Saturday and spent as much time at Church Sunday as I could.

Cub, stop worrying IF you are going out enough and start really thinking about what MAKE YOU HAPPY.

I almost feel like we are now living two completely separate lives out of the same UWS apartment.

YOU Are living two separate lives (sorry to say)…question should be what are YOU going to do with YOURS?

When you say let her go...

What do you mean? I have already lost what was left of the old relationship, outside of the occasional TV show after she gets home from work

Let her go emotionally and begin to really focus on YOU. Who do you want to be, where do you want to go, what do you want in your life that you can control, what things or issues in YOU that YOU feel you need to change. The only way I believe that one can truly do this is when they really detach.

God Bless,
Eric