My W and I are two peas in a pod. A (formerly) happy and attractive 30 something couple that dated badly. I was worse off though-she literally is the only person I ever had a steady relationship with. I think she had one or two boyfriends earlier. First MC basically wrote off our marriage because we were young by Manhattan standards when we married: 24 and 20 (!).
Who was I? A big fish in a small West Virginia pond. Someone who knew how to get out and go places, with great grades, personality, and moral compass. I am trying to find him again as fast as I can.
I wonder if I was always just a ticket out.
And I got run over several times over the years since we married. By her, by the school system's decisions that made my job hard or impossible, and in my efforts to build my conducting career. Without even questioning it I made sacrifices to help her out. In the 12 years that we were in Baltimore-Washington her star rose, mine did not so much fade as simply become more behind the scenes. She no longer feels I can be a viable partner for her because she is performing at Lincoln Center every week, and I am finishing a doctoral degree that has no guarantees attached. (She denies that by the way...) And I have not made friends outside of our relationship in a long time. She resents that; the truth is that I could never bond with my co workers because I was just too different.
I was too forgiving, too willing to spoil her, too attached to her. It was a weakness from the beginning and I have to relearn it.
I am getting out more. Since my time is split it has been very difficult to get out in NYC and have it have any meaning-I went to a museum Saturday and spent as much time at Church Sunday as I could. She started with a much better social infrastructure since she had been up there a lot last year while I worked in Balto-DC. I almost feel like we are now living two completely separate lives out of the same UWS apartment.
