It's not over till it's over right?

[newmama]

Hi, Lost, just catching up on your thread and wanted to give you some support.

It is a HUGE step for you to be able to decorate your tree and function in the spirit of the season, especially so early in your situation! After exH moved out, all I could do was go to work, eat (for the baby since I was pregnant; otherwise I would have lost weight for sure from the LBS diet) and log onto SI [--edited by dbmod: advertising]. I did that until S was born. EVERY DAY. Eat, work, SI, sleep, repeat. (I didn't find this source until October 2009) You have made it through Thanksgiving already and are trying to make it through Christmas. There is no TRY, only DO, right? (thanks Yoda) and you are DOING it.

In my case, I was in limbo for over a year (if you can call it limbo when he was living with OW but he didn't file for divorce) and the way I survived was in stages. The first stage was just to function, but I looked my best. I took this inspiration from my exSIL whose H left her and she ALWAYS "looked" amazing--it showed STRENGTH, I thought). OH and I made sure I was on top of my bills because how easy is it to block EVERYTHING out? Very. I was taking approved anti-d's and sleeping pills, too. My OBGYN INSISTED.

The next stage was living in the present, taking care of my newborn, but listing goals for GAL when he was old enough for me to do more. I also reflected on things exH complained about me and made lists of things to do/change IF I agreed that they would be beneficial. i.e. I would never start playing paintball or learn to ski because it would only be to please him...I have zero interest in those things. However, I could be a better listener and not talk over/interrupt, I could start to cook more and start to work on the yard, learn to swim, and start household projects.

Stage 3 was GALing PLUS working on self improvement. GAL was THE BEST THING I EVER COULD HAVE DONE!! It will save ANYONE from suicide or just being raw, experiencing the depths of Hell, or whatever you want to call the misery of being betrayed and left for the other person. Get A Life...start LIVING now even when you don't know the future.

I worked in those stages until a year later when he talked seriously about D and then I started to take the bull by the horns and researched about how D process was legally done (because I was too afraid and overwhelmed by the idea). Now, in my case, when he moved out in March 09, we both created a "draft" of the divorce paperwork and parenting plan. We each had a copy. And neither of us moved further than that until he brought it up a year later. So I wasn't starting from scratch.

After he finally filed for D, I was in shock but not destroyed due to all of the GALing I had done (cheap classes at the community park rec program, joined various groups and single parent groups at meetup.com, and a bunch of other things like I listed). I mean I was devestated and disappointed and heartbroken but I knew I COULD live this life as a single parent and accept that identity.

That is what MWD talks about in her Divorcebusting books... that even if our efforts fail to save our marriage, we are strong enough and capable enough to build a new life for ourselves so we will not be desolute.

Give yourself time to be depressed, but then make a plan for GAL and self improvement. Then DO IT. (not like in 3 days...think more like over the next few months...DBing takes months, not days!)

(((HUGS!!!!))) sorry for the long post!