He wants "himself" not me....

[evolve35]

Schnarch actually addresses the 'just do it' theory specifically and why it doesn't work... I will look for the chapter and post the page numbers.

But, to make that a little clearer. I sound a bit like your wife in some regards, but my H was never much of an initiator, very boy-like if at all, which was a turn-off. Nothing like the man I had fallen in love with. Then again, we could talk about why he became that way and my contribution to that... maybe I should start my own thread, huh?
Back to the subject. I would agree that 'just doing it' does have its place without a doubt. I never wanted to stop after I was into it either. Yet, hearing the 'just do it' approach from your S or a M counselor doesn't address the underlying reason the two of you ended up in that position. (And don't forget, it takes two, this doesn't all fall on the LDS). It just sends the message that the LDS needs to be fixed. I don't think this will ever work long term. How can you become intimate and vulnerable to someone that thinks it is all your fault/you are broken? Maybe you don't even think that about your S, but now that is the message that he/she has received.

For instance, I could turn it off like your W too. The sex H and I actually had was quite good, but it had gotten so infrequent it only happened every 3 months and only if I initiated. I think the poison had run so deep in him he had no desire for me anymore... of course, he lived very quietly with this. It can be turned off, because it comes down to intimacy, IMO. For me, it goes back to the 5LLs. I desperately wanted and needed quality time in order to want my H. I don't think he could give that to me because were weren't having sex. We were in incredible gridlock.

Open and honest, the best advice. Had I only known what was going on in my H's mind, I would have put my career on hold to fix it. Whatever it took for him to realize he and his needs were important to me. Ahh, but the mind-reading, years of resentment, I guarantee he thought he knew what was going on in my head but truly had no idea.