I orginaly posted in Newcomers - but my H is a WAH. We have been married 6 years together 8 - have 2 little ones 3 and under.... one day he said he felt trapped and he isnt the marrying guy. He showed up tonight at 6 and said he thought tonight was the night I had a party to goto and he had to watch the babies. I said no but come in and offered him a glass of wine. We had a great time playing with the babies. My 3 year old stroked his face and said Daddy you are back! You are back! My H did nothing. I had my sister drive him home. Is this a positive sign? He also wants to spend Christmas with my family...should I let him or am I making it to easy for him - he says all he wants is to be my friend...
Whew! Hopeless, that's a toughie. Not knowing any more that I do of your sitch ( I'll go back and read it tonight after work) I'd say take one day at a time. Have zero expectations, and don't be surprised if he ducks out of sight again.
In other words, don't plan with him just yet. Don't say no, but don't say yes. Just smile and nod. A noncommittal nod.
You'll probably get many wise words today from far wiser people than me. I'll check in tonight.
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
Sounds like a touch and go to me. He needed a fix of contact with you, or he had a moment of clarity where the depression was not as great. It is a good sign, but don't read too much into it. Keep your expectations low and stay in LRT.
Yes my H is in a MLC - he fits the description so much its scary. We had a rough road these past 6 months. I wasnt at my best - he was shutting down and I started nagging - our marriage is falling apart- I am lonely --- we are roomates --- then he started going out and coming home at all late hours of the night.... we had two huge fights and then he said I want to get separated --- next breath was I want a divorce - my friend says its as easy as we want to make it. He moved in with his mom - has only seen the babies one weekend - two other times --- we have been separated 3 weeks. I love this man with all of my heart --- I didnt know how to act when he was pulling away --- he lost his father and best friend last year in October and I think he started shutting down soon after that but I didnt see it.
Yep, it sounds like mid life crisis. What many have realized through time is that no matter what you do it is not going to change the crisis or make him come to his senses any faster. So my advice to you is to set firm boundaries, don't let him play with your emotions by coming going, wanting, not wanting, etc... If this is true mlc, it is going to take a while, maybe years. I am on my 4th year. I wish I would have realized sooner that my behavior won't speed this process up. You can put so much emotional energy into this, but it does not matter. You must protect yourself and you babies.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process.(Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. GAL. Detach. Use the time that your H has given you as a gift to start to work on yourself.
Thank you Thank you to all of you! Cadet I just got divorce remedy today and have started looking through the links - so much information so many emotions I think I have cried over everyone's experience and just wonder how I can muster up enough strength for this whole process- I have my ups and downs ...
Thank you Thank you to all of you! Cadet I just got divorce remedy today and have started looking through the links - so much information so many emotions I think I have cried over everyone's experience and just wonder how I can muster up enough strength for this whole process- I have my ups and downs ...
Take it one day at a time, one step at a time. This is a long process and you can only do it moment by moment.
The most important thing right now is to take care of YOU. Eat, sleep and get out and do stuff! You must learn how to live YOUR life.
If you have questions about anything post them here and we can try to answer them.
I just want to say I'm sorry for what you're going through but that the last thing you should worry about is how you're going to have enough strength to deal with this. You will have the strength. All of the people here are living proof of that.
One of my close friends had a bad breakup right before their wedding with a guy she'd been with for 17 years. She went to 3 counseling appointments, quit them, then started to drink heavily. She held down a job, and she eventually stopped, but she spent a solid year drinking and in deep depression, crying every night alone in her apartment.
Every time she talks to me she says she wish she had tried to get help like I have done and she says how she is "amazed" at my progress and emotional health. The one thing she and I did differently was I came here, and I'm still in counseling (6 months now) and that has made all the difference in the world.
So please don't think for a moment that you don't have the strength. You already proved you have strength by coming here. Keep posting.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Antonia - thank you for your message. I am trying so hard -I have made improvements as the first few weeks were spent begging and pleading -I am no longer doing that - but we dont talk about anything in our relationship or future - I guess its better then him telling me everyday he wants a divorce. I strugle every day with memories and what ifs....
