To answer your question, no not really on the IC. W saw IC years and years ago about some non-marital issues, not at all relevant to any of what we are going through.
However, tonight she said to me how about you find that good C you said you could find and lets go from there and then thanked me for being patient with her.
This after a pretty hard day for me. I gave her a tone of space, she was still depressed and in her own world, we hardly spoke at all most of the day.
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
So, does that mean she is interested in a MC or IC? The 3 options I wrote about before (except Routerville) ain't cheap... but I can for sure tell you it's a lot cheaper than a D! Can't help being a little worried if it is an IC she ends up going to... That feeling for me stems from the introduction in the DB book and reading about others that have been told a separation is a good thing. You know what I mean? It's such an awful feeling thinking that so many outside influences can affect our marriages.
Sorry about the rough day. How are the kids handling all of this? Good job on giving her space and patience. While my H doesn't know it, this is what I am giving him too. Maybe one day this gift will come back to us.
Their is a post from warriorshadow on Zen's thread. WS pointed out that while our situations suck, it's great to be the LBS. I wouldn't want to be the MLCer/WAS for anything...
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
Just talked with a mutual friend of mine and H's. He has known us during most of this residency and at times has given us both a kick in the butt as we have each complained to him about the other...
He is getting married next fall and has asked H to be his best man. He finds himself reconsidering this.
All along he has said this is strange, whatever is going on and now feels the same that obviously he is with someone. He no longer lives here and has been trying to communicate with H but almost never hears from him. He also said that last time he talked to him, he asked H about the soccer game and what he thought. H is from Brazil, friend is from Europe so they talked about soccer a lot in the past. He said H's response was what soccer game? Friend couldn't believe his response... said obviously he is incredibly preoccupied. We then talked about how crappy this is going to be for him as our profession is very small, it will follow him to any job he goes to.
I think the pressure is on the A at this point. Like I said before, H is a romantic and I am sure he is obsessed with her right now.
It would seem like I should be upset since hearing this sort of confirmation from another person used to upset me so much. Instead, I feel relief. Relief that I know this isn't about me. Sure I did some crappy stuff in the M, but nothing that gives one the excuse to do what he has done.
Going to continue NC. Do nothing to disturb La-la land... let the fantasy play out. I know my H, it is the only way for any sort of chance for him to see the light. He will be jarred back to reality soon enough. I have patience if nothing else... and I have my self-respect back. Even if H wanted to come back this minute, I know I would be genuine in saying, 'I would have to think about that'.
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
I just read about Power Packaging and it gave me a GREAT idea about talking to my H about counseling. I have essentially told myself that no matter how I feel about the D going forward next month, I will maintain wanting to go to divorce counseling... I can see how emotions can jack you up so if the opportunity to go does arise, I don't want to decline and regret it later.
From Keeping love Alive
"Take some advice from the world of advertising: know who your audience is and speak to their needs. Instad of making demands that fall on deaf ears, appeal to your partner's interests (instead of your own!) when you're trying to get him or her to change. If you do so, you'll be more likely to motivate your partner to doing things differently.
Think of something you would like your partner to do, but haven't figured out how to convince him or her to change yet. Make sure you completely understand your partner's point of view even if you don't entirely agree with it. Explain why this point of view is so important to him/her.
Identify the specific behavioral change you'd like your partner to make, in action terms.
Experiment with ways of expressing to your partner how the change you are proposing fits with his or her point of view. In other words, describe how this change will be an advantage to your partner given his or her perspectivie on the situation.
Now that you know what you want to change and how your partner feels, the first thing you must do is acknowledge your partner's feelings. Then, explain how what you are requesting will actually be a means to your partner's desired ends.
I am reposting this here in case it gives anyone else ideas on another approach to getting their spouse to listen.
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
BTW, no worries. I don't bring this subject up with H. Just want to be prepared for the future. The approach I had used (two times) left me with a 'not yet'. Need to stop doing what isn't working right??
All I want is a chance at R, does R mean happily married forever? I no longer equate the two. Admittedly, the desire for a chance at R is dwindling with time.
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
I like your power packaging idea, though I think I should just file it away for future reference. I'm still feeling 'dark' towards my H right now. Needing time and space to heal. I'm just atrting to get a look at him as he really is/was and at me too. MC would just confuse me further and give him something to resent and hide from.
Just got back from my IC. It was great to see her again. After stating all of my fears about how this whole trauma will affect me in future relationships, she reminded me that I am the one getting healthy. I am the one looking inward. 'Health attracts health' were her words.
I am strongly thinking about going on a mission with the church I have been attending. Last week of June, a group of people go to an orphanage in Mexico, you raise your own money to go. What you get back from the experience seems priceless. I need something big to work toward, plan for. Just a little worried how I will do this and not freak out about taking a week off from studying for boards.
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
You sound like you are still doing very good. How much schooling do you have before it is all done and you are fully certified (or whatever the correct term is)?
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Done in July. Not so much 'schooling' as teaching. No classrooms involved- thank God! I will then be eligible for board certification. Will take the boards in September, most don't pass the first time. It costs about $1500 a shot... only offered once a year. I can still work without being boarded, but obviously it is advantageous not to have to take them again. It is months and months of studying besides the cost. Worried that I can't live in limbo land as I need to concentrate on studying.
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
