Need Insight II

[angel61]

Our spouses are all crazy - that is why we are all here, supporting each other.
one suggestion: do not give assurances to your W. She will read into it and hold you to it even if you don't feel like it anymore.

I think you should tell her you know she knows she is a big girl, and that she can decide what she wants to do, whatever she wants, and will have to stand up to the consequences of her own actions. Maybe you don't even have to explain what those are_ self explanatory, right? if she knows you well.

I am thinking back to my own sitch, I don't think I ever gave boundaries but I never said I was OK with what he did either. I just told him that I trusted him to know what is best for our family. My only assurance: I told him that I cannot be angry, only hurt, and that my actions will not stem from anger but from being hurt. And that I will work for saving the M as much as I could.
In the end, even if he threatened to leave, and even if he said he was going to see OW on her own, he did not really. The one time he visited her her parents were with her so nothing happened. The next time was when we were all together in a convention, and at the end of the day he even asked me to join them which I did, and which turned out to be the turning point, making OW realize that I was a nice person, we had a good marriage in the past (maybe contrary to what she heard from him) and she got guilty and backed off.
I also saw him getting really close to D11, and could almost see him thinking about how it would be like to leave us, especially her.
And oh, another thing I said , was that if we separated, I would want us never to see each other again. he said initially I was being mean, but later he told me he understood why, and that was because I did not want to feel the pain of seeing him again. I was protecting myself.And I meant those words.