MLC or just an EA?

[BeingMe]

Warning ---- 2x4 comet heading your way.

Whoa there Angel ... STOP! Think! Take a moment to just sit down and logically assess this situation.

When you and your H were buying the houses, and making your plans, did he say anything about not wanting to do it? That he would feel trapped? I have a sneaking suspicion not ... that these decisions were made during a stable, happy time of your M. Am I right?

You played right into his little sad rewrite of history. You should've turned around and walked away. You cannot do anything to make him happy, or secure. He is grown man, playing "poor sad little ol' me".

I defended myself. I cried and told him its just money, we should get down on our knees and pray and thank the Lord we are healthy, that we have jobs. I told him that we could sell both houses, I don't care if we are poor, as long as we are together. he said too late for all that.

You cannot defend yourself to a MLCer.
The concept of praying and being thankful won't make sense to him at this point.
For MLCers, its always too late, too little. They don't understand that issues in the M is shared by both ... they will always blame the other party, no matter if he/she was a saint. They have to justify their actions at all costs to keep at bay the guilt.

You must protect your financial stability. MLCers like to spend, and they will try everything to find a way to make themselves feel better by buying stuff saying they deserve it, even if it means destroying their credit, and that of their spouse. No-one deserves more than they earn, or put into their lives. The whole mess with economy was because people had that attitude.

So! Step back from his issues ... back away ... place boundaries about how you will allow yourself to be treated ... you are not the bad guy, you did not have an A ... if he goes back to OW, then he goes. You cannot control him. Only your response.

Maybe it is real.... he just hates me at this point? I am in one of those hating moods too. have been the whole day. don't like it, I am trying to go back to my happy mood but can't.

He doesn't hate you. He might think he does, but he doesn't. If anything, he probably hates himself for being so out of control.

Go watch a comedy, or have a cosmo with a couple of fun loving friends. Or, go for a walk to cool off. As you said to him, you should be praying in gratitude because you do have jobs, and homes, and cars and not much debt (very little as you say). Many people in the USA would envy you and your H. Do that too! Pray to Heavenly Father and tell Him how grateful you are for all that you have, that you have health, homes, food on your table and any other thing you can think. Then, saddle up on the DB horse again, and ride it.

Sorry about the 2x4 ... sometimes we need it. I know just how you feel ... I have been there many times, and am so glad that people on this bb pulled me through.

Take care.

[InAPickle]

This sounds to me like "backlash" after the intimacy you shared a few days ago. I'm not sure how it works, but it is to be expected. Maybe someone else can explain it better.

[angel61]

Thanks , BM! Actually HE was the one who made the decision to buy this house. I was hesitant, knowing it was the limit of our capabilities. He rationalized by saying we loved to entertain, etc. It was not out of character for him, he is the one who always had a higher bar when it came to quaity of life, believing always in "you get what you pay for",I was more simple (discount shopper type, although still love fashion.

I know, I should not have defended myself, I knew it was the MLC speaking but could not stop.Thanks for the 2x4, I used it on myself, flogged my stupid brain for responding - that after giving Pickle a long lecture! As they say, easier said than done.

I am not good at setting boundaries, as I am somewhat a free spirit myself - so I will just steel myself to walk away from situations like that.

I spent the whole day controlling myself - walking in the rain, crying helplessly. After a few hours I got myself under control, managed to finish decorating. To think I was so happy that he bought a tree last Friday!

The day ended better.... he asked if I anted to work out, I went with him, the endorphins started to work and he started to smile and even this AM, when he woke up, he started to talk and smile again at me.

I will try to keep the mood light today. Steer clear of any R, M, or money talks! Or else I think I might be the one to wave the white flag.

[angel61]

No Pickle, this is not backlash.

another thought, BM and Pickle: maybe it was the "anger" part of his mourning the loss of OW. I saw him go through denial, bargaining too (that was the sadness look, I think). So now its "anger" and hopefully, the acceptance will be coming soon.

[BeingMe]

Oh I know how difficult it is. I am glad things are picking up. I guess there are stages with the loss of anything, and OW would not be exempt. However, I think there is a stage too, where the WAS feels ridiculous and guilty for what they did, over the vows they broke, etc. And, I think, that is why they do the rewrite of history thing too. My H cannot remember many of the things he said or did during that time. I don't call it a rewrite so much as a twisted selective memory. But, whatever floats their boats, 'eh.

[angel61]

Thank you so much BM. Knowing you have been there, the reassuring words, knowing that my H is just like everyone else with MLC, that there is hope, is so helpful. True, people here help me stay on track.

We were at church today. He does pray, even goes to communion. What I would give to know what he prays about! I looked at him at church, he seemed to have that inward look, aloof, flared nostrils....

He wants to do something fun today, even if the weather is blechy, but D is lazy.

I get worried though when he is like that, I am starting to be mistrustful of his motives. When he is being nice to me I think "is he planning to do something I won't like and is paving the way?"


But maybe in this situation it is best to be suspicious.

[angel61]

Bad news today.

I just learned my H has broken his NC with OW, on the pretext of a work related issue. No wonder I was suspicious (see my post before this).

I feel so down and sad. I hope OW is steadfast in her resolve and takes it at face value, or refuse to be used.

D11 left today for school camp, will be gone for 4 days, and H was so in a rush that he did not even say bye to her. She texted me about it, obviously feeling bad. He also has been really short tempered to both me and D. Thats really unusual as he has always been sweet to D ever since, even during the height of the A, even when he was irritable to me.

I did something not too DB today, in response to what happened. This kind of actions though seemed to work before, so I am taking a chance. I wrote him an email, acknowledging that this is a hard time for him, appreciating his taking care of us (he has been cooking our meals, bought a tree, etc.still being the responsible father and husband), his leadership of the family, letting him know that although I am strong my role is still that of the follower, and letting him know that I was willing to communicate and listen to his issues. I also reassured him of my friendship and unconditional love.

Help me .... I need some cheering up and hope. My urge to just give up is getting stronger.

[BeingMe]

That is bad news, Angel. It sucks to have to rely on OW to get your H back. Do you know for sure that he saw her?

his leadership of the family, letting him know that although I am strong my role is still that of the follower

This part of the email may make him feel pressured and guilty. Is that what you were going for? Also, being a "follower" seems like you are pursuing. But, you know your H best, so he may respond to this type of communication. As you say, it's taking a chance, and sometimes we have to do that.

Stay strong.

[angel61]

Its actually a long distance EA - she is in a different city (Thank God!. What happened:He said he will send reimbursement money to another employee through OW when she goes on vacation in their home country (she is not from here). The other employee is my friend and told me, and tried to get my H to not do it through OW, but he said he already emailed OW for the favor. So I don't know if he was just bluffing or what.
For me, being a follower is sort of like a 180. I used to looked on by H as domineering, so now am changing that. I think he needs the respect and the recognition that he does deserve, as he is a good provider and also makes good decisions for the family in most ways except for this present problem.
I think he responds to a certain level of pursuit, as long as it is not suffocating him. I don't know though if any DB'er agrees. If not, I will try going completely LRT.
My sense is that his EA was ended prematurely - he always told me it was a temporary thing, but I thinked he was psyching himself up for the separation. Is this possible?

[BeingMe]

Do what works. I was referring to the DBing "manual", but sometimes we have to veer off the path.