I can do this...

[irishblessings]

OK - drove by H's new place. Yes - in rough area of town - BUT it is not a bad place on the outside. So that's a relief for me if S goes down there.

Oldest D was over this weekend and as we were opening boxes for decorations found my wedding photo album. She was looking through it and she said - "you know mom - dad doesn't look miserable in any of these pictures" I said, "I don't think so either honey - let's just find some peace with that." Then closed the box and put it away. Just a moment...but a good one.

You know this journey that I have been on over the last 6 months (and probably the last 5-7 years) has taught me some things about myself.

1. I have a strong capacity to forgive and see the good in people beyond their actions. (Either that or I have a HIGH toleration for crazy:))

2. Whether I make it every Sunday to church or not, I have a lot of faith in God and believe in Christianity and that there are "right" roads and "wrong" roads defined by individuals - but if the "right" road for you ends up hurting those you love - it's probably not the right road.

3. My entire self-esteem has been based on what others think of me - ESPECIALLY my stbxh (first time I've used that). I am amazed at how much energy I used trying to do the "right" thing to please him - all the while not having a clue as to what he wanted. Trying to use #1 and #2 to guide me - however those aren't in his peripheral - so I was always on the wrong path.

4. Way down deep inside there is a "me" - someone who might want to develop on her own before ever giving her heart away to anyone else.

5. My pattern is to experience the bad and reel from it for a day or two - then pick myself back up. I'm not sure where I am in the grief cycle but I know I am closer to the acceptance side than I was 6 months ago.

Thanks for listening!