I'm observing as well in my sitch that the gap between H & I is widening. I think that it's normal....they are under the influence of OW and I don't think anything is going to change until that R starts to crumble....also the less they see us the less guilty they feel...I think
I understand how him going on a trip with OW...the same trip you took with him could make you upset and doubtful....believe me I understand. I'm sure that you will feel better tomorrow
And BTW, there are many success stories here where there was no contact from H at all for months, if not years...and then they resurfaced and started reconnecting....
Keep your chin up, OK?
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
I sorry you've had a sad time of it, and understand perfectly the feeling of H taking OW places that you cherished in your memory as "you and him". Maybe it is time for you to make a tentative 'touch' and see how he reacts. Perhaps with the excuse of Christmas plans. I don't know how you feel about those plans and whether or not you would include H, but talk it over with your children and see how they feel, what they think. Maybe even a Christmas celebration in a 'neutral' corner. A restaurant perhaps. That wouldn't stop you or the kids from anything traditional, but might make the overture to H that he needs to feel. JMO, of course.
Cat, thanks for always being there and for your wisdom and advice...
WCW, Last time I reached out to H was a couple weeks ago. He came to pick up the Ds, and I sent a check out that he needed to sign and put into the joint account for me. The CU is there where he works. Along with the check to show my appreciation and thanks, I sent D out with a piece of freshly baked cranberry bread. (One of his favorites) She told her Dad, "Here, this is for you." He put it down in the truck and never acknowledged it. He just complained as to why he had to deposit the check and why couldn't DIL do it instead.
Mila, How I know you'd understand about him taking ow somewhere that had special meaning to us, or I guess just me. I will strive to handle it with the grace and dignity you did.
Punkin, my Ds have already said that they want Christmas at home. They have had no choice in any of this. They have very strong feelings about having it here and this is one thing they've put their foot down about.
Ladies, thank you all for your responses. I was just going along, livin my life and wham, something throws you off kilter. Thank you for helping me center myself again.
You may be right about MLC getting worse before any chance of it getting better. H definitely seems to have taken it to another level.
I had a lovely Thanksgiving, thank you. I was surrounded by good food, lots of laughter and people I love. I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving as well!
Hey everybody, I need some advice and opinions are welcome.
With Christmas right around the corner and with my S and DIL recently moving out, I'm now paying the entire mortgage on the house, all the utilities, taxes and insurance and I find myself with out a lot of left over cash for Christmas presents for my kids.
I'm thinking of asking H if he'd be willing to foot the bill for the utilities for the month of December. This would be a loan that I would pay back come income tax refund time.
I haven't complained to him at all about paying for everything because I figure I will be doing that anyway once things are legally settled. I would do it in a way as to not lay guilt on him, even though I'm not sure he feels any anyway.
What do you all think? The worst he could do is say no, and I wouldn't be worse for the wear than I am now. Next year, I will make sure I don't have this problem as I will adjust the budget to include the extra I'm paying for the mortgage.
This sounds like a very reasonable request and you have couched it in unemotional terms --- essentially a business proposition. Even an MCLer should hopefully be able to understand this.
Is it possible that H feels at least some guilt at times? This could assuage some of his guilt.
If there's any guilt at all on H's part it would have to do with the Ds, especially the youngest. As far as H is concerned the rest of us, well he is teaching us a lesson. When he left he said that the two oldest boys needed to learn to stand on their own two feet. I'm here to say that the boys more than stood on there own and pulled their weight. H didn't lift a finger around here unless he wanted to. The boys used their own money to fix and or improve things. As H didn't see the money in his hand he used it to justify saying that he was paying for everything. Not true as I paid my part of the mortgage and bills.
When H left he told the S26 he'd sign his half of the property over to him. S26 took over the payment and H never did make a move to legally sign it over to S. As time went on I took over paying for everything except that half of the mortgage S was paying. Both Ss and DIL continued to pay for improvements and fixings. After a while DIL saw the savings that she and S had to build a house on the property slip away. Naturally she became resentful of this. Whenever money would come out of their pocket to fix or upgrade things, she would curse about H and what he'd done because she would have had a brand new house by now if he hadn't left. I didn't blame her as she saw no progress in H signing his half over. It would upset my youngest to hear DIL spout off about her Daddy. I told DIL I knew how she felt but could she not say anything in front of D12. That worked until the next time something would cost them money.
Anyway, I had heard of the house up the road going back on the market because the previous deal fell through and it was obviously meant to be that S and DIL were able to buy it as H wasn't doing anything about switching the property over. I am very happy for them.
I am lucky in that H pays the max for child support even though there is nothing legally in writing for it. I'm making ends meet, but there is not a whole lot left over. I guess my question about the 'loan' had more to do with if I should let H know that I'm struggling at Christmas. As we're this far into the sitch it really probably doesn't matter.
The strange part of it all is that when S told H he was dropping the paperwork off to me about the mortgage there was absolutely no reaction from H whatsoever. Not even a facial twitch. My S was shocked, he thought his Dad would at least ask him some questions. As far as I'm concerned I do not believe my H has once ounce of guilt about what he's done. After all, as he said, he deserves some happiness before he dies...
