WAW.. wow #2

[MakingProgress]

making,

thanks I realize that. I will have to be creative. while not pushing.

Steve, she actually does have injuries with the Plantar. I suspect she will be scaling back after her passing her level 2 Black belt decided. She really doesnt have a plan after that. But we'll see. It isnt about the contract or the money.. I would gladly eat that if she stopped.

dbmod, thanks for your comments. I will be communicating and in touch daily. I am open to any and all suggestions to remain connected emotionally. Unfortunantly, she wont move with me due to her career and our home here. She is quite successful in her own right. The deployment is set for january and I will be able to be in communication daily or whenever she wants to call or email or skype. I am not going to push for her communication like I did last time. I am going to let her intitiate as she wants to and if it gets strange feeling, I will use the tecniques we are using at MC to discuss it. Gonna try to do distance MC also...

Sting sang, if you love someone.. set them free... I did. She came back. It is up to her to stay.

I don't know, Pensa. Waiting for her to initiate is fine when you're DBing, not when you are piecing.

[Steve McQueen]

My suggestion was to help you help her to save face.

As I told you before, I have seen this "situation" your wife found herself in many many times. It is almost cliche. And I should have told you that by the time 'the husband' catches wind everyone at the dojang knows and is talking and watching what is going on. Maybe I did.

Vocabulary -
In sociological theory, a stigma is an attribute, behavior, or reputation which is socially discrediting in a particular way: it causes an individual to be mentally classified by others in an undesirable, rejected stereotype rather than in an accepted, normal one.

[Pensacolabroken]

No big update. I accepted the job and was gone most of last week. In touch like normal with TXT and Phone. Things appear to be on the mend.
Great Thanksgiving meal, I helped her prepare and clean and my Dad came over to eat with us.
We enjoyed the meal and had fun as a family.

LOTS of future talk from her. She is slowly giving me more and more unsolicited affection.

MC next week again.

I am out of town on Monday and Tuesday.

I think I am on the piecing side of the fence?

[Pensacolabroken]

New update:

We had slowly been spinning in gear. Wife has been more affectionate, discussing the future etc.. I was discussing with her my need for more affection and her initiating the touching and the romantic conversation etc.. she said she is trying but I am not seeing it and am making her feel like the things she does is not good enough. I asked her if she had any passion for me, she said sometimes. She said she is trying to relight it.

That was last Saturday. I had to go to my Job in the other state and I was very upset with the way we left things with her and my perceptions that were differing on the amount of committment etc to the relationship. I became pretty anxious.

I drunk dialed her Monday evening and it of course led to a major argument and an me telling her "fine draw up the divorce papers" of course I didnt mean it but I was reacting out of a place of fear, and anxiety. I didnt want and dont want a repeat of last Summer when I was gone. Maybe most of this is in my head.

well I got back, Tuesday night ( I am working only a few days that last week) and apologized and we talked. She has retreated into her castle and is cold as can be. I accepted my responsibility for my bad behavior and asked her to forgive me. She said she is still here, still wearing her rings and is still trying. So since last Monday it has been very cold. We are sleeping in the same bed. No warmth and inimitate talk. I even got the "I need my space" again from her which i gave her. But I feel like this is a two way street and perhaps she is giving me all she is capable of?

We had Marriage Counseling on Friday and Wife said she is not sure she can "keep doing this" and "Doesnt think it is going to work out" yet she is still in the game. The take away from the MC was I was to stop expecting contact, physical and Email and txt and that way I wont be inclined to demand it or be rejected when she doesnt give it. I was also asked to give her the space and let her come to me willingly. I can see those points.

I emphasized that it is important to me that I know where my wife stands in the relationship and can demonstrate her comittment to me also.

We had a good weekend and very little heavy talk. She has again mentioned things about the future, but she is withholding physical initiation of touch and kiss etc. Wont say I love you first but will reply she loves me too..

It feels like a set back but not a surrender.

I dont know if this is common or not.

one other point, I gave her my FB and email passwords.. I asked for hers... she gave them to me but mentioned in counseling that I "demanded" them... I called her on that and said no I didnt I asked for them and that it demonstrated trust on both parties by having nothing to hide. She is pretty demanding of me that I trust her and has mentioned she cant be in a realtionship without trust. I told her I want to trust her, but I cant with out demonstration of commiiment and her trusting me as well.

Still together! Man this is hard. This monring for the first time she opened up more with the hugs and the hand holding. Hopefully I am cracking the castle wall....

[lostandconfused6]

I am sure someone with more experience will post, but my opinion is that you are walking a very thin line here, and your actions and reactions are critical. Your sitch sounds very similar to mine. My h was in affair with coworker, decided that he wanted to try, promised nc, and started showing some affection. Then he went away one weekend to go out with friends, I got anxious- similar to you- and got in an argument with him that he did not care enough to call and check in. After that he seemed very unsure if he wanted to work on the relationship anymore. The more I pushed for affection, and openess, the more withdrawn he got. Until he was back contacting OW again.

This is such a difficult path you are on right now. My opinion is that you have the right to ask for passwords and transparency, but not much more than that. She probably does not feel the feelings that you want her to feel right now, and the more you push for those feelings, or gestures of those feelings, the less she is going to feel them. I think the only thing you really can do is insist that she stay away from OM, work on yourself and don't focus on what she is or is not doing as far as your relationship goes, and be ready to fully follow through on your plan to end the relationship if she will not be transparent or breaks no contact. I think she feels your neediness right now, which makes her realize that she doesn't really have to worry about you leaving her, which makes her not care as much about the relationship.

[TimeHeals]

I drunk dialed her Monday evening

Stop drinking. This is not attractive behavior.

[Pensacolabroken]

Time,

yea thanks. I figured that out real quick.

[Pensacolabroken]

Well, update is this:

I have been at my new job in the other state since Monday. I go home for the weekend tomorrow. Need some advice. Her Christmas Party for her work is Friday night. I am a little nervous because these are her support and they only have her side of the story. But that doesnt matter in how I will act. My concern is I will be watching for the attention and affection of my wife and I seriously expect it to be minimal. This is where I will need to mask my feelings and remain silent.

This week, she has initiated phone calls and some emails. I have emailed her light stuff about budget and household reminders and have left the txt's to a minimum. She has called me everymorning to have my S9 say good morning and she has called in the evening to say good night after putting my son to bed. She has been very short on the phone and not in a cheerful loving mood and I have not persued any further conversation other than to tell her I appreciate her and her efforts and I love and miss her.

The facts are she is still married, we are in some type of communication and she is still saying I love you and I miss you back to me and if I hold out she will say I love you at the end of the phone call but I have to wait for it.

Any advice from the folks here on what I can do differently? I am being positive and not melty. I am not fighting or arguing or being a downer. I am trying to support her. she is still obviously angry at me from last weekend when I drunk dialed her.

She did tell me she is proud of me yesterday and I sent her an Iphone picture and she replied I was very handsome and to have a nice day.

Am I on the right track?

[Pensacolabroken]

Also of note, she spent the day off of work today to take my father to a cancer biopsy and she called me to tell me of his post op recovery and her plan to drive him home and make sure he is comfortable. I told her I appreciated her doing that and she said he is family.

I am trying really hard not to mind read and let my fears ruin the recovery.

My gut tells me I am on the right tracks but I need to remain upbeat and kind and patient and maybe she will come back to me with the love and affection. She is still maintaining the boundry and suggested I attend a counseling session alone if I wanted this week.

thoughts?

[gutwrenching]

Pen,
I see no one has answered you. I saw this yesterday but don't think I'm in a good positistion to answer, with what has happened in my sitch in the last few weeks, I would be overly worried/cynical.

I think you need to pay close attention to things and watch and monitor. This might be normal, but it also could be a critical time where she might be grieving or thinking about OM and deabting reaching out to him.

I would suggest an MC appointment together to discuss this new tension and see if the MC can help resolve