IMHO, going dark is almost next to impossilbe when living under the same roof. To you, it is defined "dark", but to your W....she sees a different picture.
You can detach without being dark.
You have a great opportunity to save your M.
Does she know that you filed for D? Is she still in an A?
The more information you can give us, the more we will know what to say in return.
Post as often as you can. It helps more than you realize right now.
She knows that I have filed and she is still in her A. I have detached from her and try to keep our conversations about the kids only. Looking back at our M she has had valid complaints that I have addressed and rectified when they were brought up.
There were also things in me personally that I have wanted to deal with and get past. With the help of therapy I have been able to get passed the death of my mother and have been able to raise my kids with a more positive approach. I have become super dad to them and they come to me more now then they do to her. I've also realized that her beahvior now and the emotional abuse that I am going through is far worse than anything I have done to her.
I've done a complete 180 with my life in a positive way and am now proud at who I see when I look in the mirror. I'm going to be the best man I can be for myself and my kids and am only going to try and attract those type of into my life.
She has also done a complete 180 but in a negative way. This is not the person I fell in love with. She has become very selfish and seems to care only about herself. She has said she's never been happier and that hurts because our family is falling apart.
M36 W39 D6 S4 Married 10 years EA began 7/10 Bomb Dropped 8/6/10 Filed for D 10/6/10 Divorce put on hold 12/10 Currently Piecing
The W called this afternoon to ask me about the health insurance and if she should put me on for next year. I asked her what she meant by that and she responded by asking if we were going to work on our M. I told her that as long as there was OM and an A I had no interest in working on things and was not going to be a doormat for her any longer. I said the decision is yours. We'll see how the evening goes.
M36 W39 D6 S4 Married 10 years EA began 7/10 Bomb Dropped 8/6/10 Filed for D 10/6/10 Divorce put on hold 12/10 Currently Piecing
Well the W and I have agreed to try MC. I'm not sure how things are going to go but at this point I think it would be beneficial for both of us and give us a healthier relationship when it comes to the raising our children.
M36 W39 D6 S4 Married 10 years EA began 7/10 Bomb Dropped 8/6/10 Filed for D 10/6/10 Divorce put on hold 12/10 Currently Piecing
Need some advice. When I discovered my W was having an A I was so distraught with it that I sought the advice of family and close friends. At the time it felt good to talk about it as it kept me sane. Well now it is out in open and she's saying she doesn't think there is a way to work things out now that everybody knows. I didn't get into that conversation with her and just reiterated our marriage counseling session tomorrow and let's take it from there. Looking back maybe I could have handled things differenty but like I said it kept me sane when I felt I needed it the most. Has anyone one else experienced this and how do you think I should approach this situation?
M36 W39 D6 S4 Married 10 years EA began 7/10 Bomb Dropped 8/6/10 Filed for D 10/6/10 Divorce put on hold 12/10 Currently Piecing
Okay, first off, your W is the one who ended it. She feels ashamed/embarrassed/mad/scared/etc. so she needs someone to blame those things on. Well you're the one right in front of her. Even though these are things that SHE feels and is causing, she will still find a way to blame you for everything.
First thing you need to do is to get your act together. Stop thinking about what she's doing or thinking. Start building up your own self-esteem. GAL. Talk to her like a roommate or a friend and not as your W.
Get a copy of DR and it'll have a list of things to do.
Get out of her sights for awhile. That way she can stop blaming you and start looking at herself for having messed up her own life.
Remember it's not about you.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
MrBond Thank you for the advice. You're right she does blame me for everything. And for the most part I've been trying to stay out of her way but it's hard living under the same roof. She does go to school and works at night a few times a week so I don't see her much then. On nights when she doesn't I try to make plans with the kids so I am not around her as much as possible. We still have dinner together every night and do the things we would normally do as a family.
I've been GAL as much as possible and with the help of my therapist am loving the changes I have been making. She does acknowledge the changes in me and loves the father I am becoming for my children. We do have our first MC session tonight so I'm just going to take 1 step at a time.
M36 W39 D6 S4 Married 10 years EA began 7/10 Bomb Dropped 8/6/10 Filed for D 10/6/10 Divorce put on hold 12/10 Currently Piecing
MrBond, Thanks for the link. Even though I haven't got through all of it yet from what I have read I've learned alot.
Well the W and I had her first MC session on Friday and it went well. The therapist I have been seeing happens to be my W sister's MIL so has known her for over 15 years and she is definitely pro marriage. Since I have been seeing her and knows most of my side of the story I let my W do most of the talking. She has been telling my W that she should have come to talk to her years ago to get past her problems she has had growing up. My W father never was around growing up and her mother was an alcoholic so she was pretty much on her own from day 1. She thought then when we M I would fill that void for but I didn't. It was actually my mother who was there all the time and when she died she saw that as an end of our R as well.
She did set her straight on a few things she has been resenting me for and opened her eyes to the things that I have been going through. Although she didn't commit to trying to work on things right there she did agree to keep seeing her. The rest of the night went well and we laid in bed talking for hours.
On Saturday we both brought our S to karate class and then took both kids to get hair cuts. After hair cuts we took our D to karate and she said to me that if she does committ everything will become transparent and no more hiding. So I believe contact with OM has stopped. While we were in class she looked at me and said she was excited about the future. I asked if it was our future and she looked at me smiled and said maybe which I knew meant our future. The rest of the day went great and as she was leaving to go to a birthday party with my D last night she said to me and my S that she loved us which I personally haven't heard in months. In the past she would say that to my S only so I'll take that as a good sign.
She already had plans with her sister next weekend so we will do separate sessions then but after that we will go on a regular basis every Friday. She was also asked to step up for her niecie's confirmation in May and being that my W never made communion or confirmation the priest said that she would have to go to confession and attend church every weekend before he would give his consent. So as a family we will start going which I believe can only help our situation.
She has been talking with me but more importantly I have been listening to her. I never bring up the R but will talk to her about it if she brings it up to me. We both realize that we are at ground zero and we will both have to commit 100% to making it work.
I'm still GAL and keeping up with the 180's I have been doing. I look in the mirror at myself and love the person I am turning into. I will still take it one day at a time. Thank you all for your help and advice. It is greatly appreciated.
M36 W39 D6 S4 Married 10 years EA began 7/10 Bomb Dropped 8/6/10 Filed for D 10/6/10 Divorce put on hold 12/10 Currently Piecing
I am so thankful I found this site. I've learned so much by reading all of the other threads and the advice that has been given to me and to others.
Well I got home from work on Tuesday and the family and I were on our way out to dinner and the W told me she wants to work on our M and give it 100%. I told her that I would do the same. She did acknowledge the positive changes she has seen in me and believes that we can work through our issues. I told her I realize the mistakes that I have made in our M and would work harder than ever to never make them again. She told me she was sorry for what she has done and wants to repair our R so it doesn't happen again. I can't tell you how happy that conversation made me but didn't let her see just how much.
She does have a meeting today with her L today that has been scheduled for a few weeks. I did not want to tell her not to go because that is what I would have done in the past. I think she just wants to hear what they have to say. I have been in contact with my L and told them we might try to work on things. They told me they we just need a letter from me stating that we would like to put the D proceedings on hold. We will continue our weekly meetings with our MC and will start going to church every week. I think we're ready to start piecing this M back together.
Thank you all so much.
M36 W39 D6 S4 Married 10 years EA began 7/10 Bomb Dropped 8/6/10 Filed for D 10/6/10 Divorce put on hold 12/10 Currently Piecing
You need your MC to tell your W that contact with OM has to stop!
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
