Boundaries with Love

[Concerned_Listener]

My W continues to have the problems of quitting smoking and finding an enjoyable job. She works for a restaurant owner who made poor financial and business decisions and is now having cash flow problems. She seems to get herself stuck in feelings, and has trouble taking the first or continuing steps to solve her problems. What can I do to help?

I'm excited about participating in a dance competition in January. We have six weeks left to prepare for it. The one dance involves doing the steps in a specific way. I seem to be more committed to it than she is. What are the options? I can let her off the hook or keep it going with the idea that structure, a deadline, and a new experience are what's best for both of us. Of course, if she said, I don't want to do it, I wouldn't force her. On the other hand, I don't want to dismiss my needs, and let her completely drive the partnership.

In talking to her about her problems, it seems that having structure and commitments are what she needs to keep herself from staying stuck. She's made good decisions this week about evening and weekend recreation, and has attended with me a yoga class, Pilates class, two dance classes, two Salsa dances, a private dance lesson, and a movie.

My frustration is that she's not more committed to the dance competition. I have to be careful that I don't get into being judging, or self-centered, or too committed to the stories I'm creating in my head about how it's supposed to be, or controlling of how I think she's supposed to be approaching this.

A dance partnership is a process of exploration and compromise to meet each other's needs. There is give and take and eventually with effort and practice, magical events and dances happen. My W and I had a magical time at a Friday night dance. It was the mix of people there, and the evolution of the community, and the set-up of the venue, which created a night of connection beyond the dancing. My W and I went home glowing that night.

CL