In the process

[newmama]

Hi lostandconfused6,

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is horrible!!!
The pain takes a long time to go away. 3 weeks out...do not expect to feel better any time soon. I am just being honest. Sure, I am doing much better (it has been 19 months now)but it really takes no contact to help. For me, it actually had to take him filing for D I think...I am not "over" him yet but have come a long way.

When my husband left for OW in 2009, I did not tell anyone except my family and close friends. I told 2 teacher friends that I trust but that was it. They didn't tell anyone.

Then, I stayed home for a year to be with my son (he was born 3 months after exH moved out). I still didn't tell anyone new.

Finally, when he filed in June 2010, I realized that I would have to let people know. I agonized about it here on the DB forum, and people kept telling me that it won't be that bad...that I should just get it over with. Well, they were right.

I emailed a group of teachers that I played Bunco with and just told them "unfortunately, I am getting a divorce. It was not my choice but we will have shared custody. I am not ready to talk about it at this time but wanted to let you know."

I wanted them to know it wasn't my choice because I just had a baby!!! I am responsible and dedicated and committed to marriage and keeping 2 parents for my son. THAT was one of my major worries- they would think I left him and judge me. Of course no one would judge someone for divorcing a cheating spouse. But at the time, that was my worry.


Yes, I had several people want to know what happened, but I was more ashamed (and still am for some reason) that he had an affair than being left. I didn't tell them because it is VERY embarrassing to be left for another woman and they don't need to know! I just said "thanks for your concern, but I am not ready to talk about it. I am adjusting and it's hard right now." They asked for the first couple of weeks (not every day) and most just minded their own business....now no one asks about it! Phew!

Also, I kept my married last name since it is the same as my son's and it has made that part of the divorce (all the name changing part) SO MUCH EASIER! I am simply "Ms." Mama instead of "Mrs." Mama.

The teachers are mostly curious about custody arrangements and ask about my son and they look to see if I am happy or doing ok. I look my best most days, smile and ask them about THEM.

Sure, I still get people saying "Mrs. Mama" every single day and my Mrs name is on all kinds of stuff that I own. But it is only fair since I didn't change my last name--of course I expect them to slip up

IN SUMMARY- You don't have to let the teachers know anything until you have to change your name...even then, you say you are getting divorced and that is all they need to know!

Let me know where your thread is (what forum?) and I will follow it!