It's not over till it's over right?

[awest1217]

My sitch was similar. Both H and I are teachers. The only difference is he teaches in a different corporation so I understand keeping it quiet. H also is with someone who he worked with, an aide. She quit her job so H kept his. I am glad you had a good day and I understand where you are at.

[lostandconfused6]

awest-
I can't believe how similar our situations are. So did you tell people at school that he had an affair? Or did you just say that you guys divorced?

[awest1217]

It is a little longer, but what happened is H moved out on April 1, 2009 after I caught him at OW's house when he told me he was staying late at work to get grades done before report cards.

H then moved in with OW and her H. Her H is a baseball trainer for a local college team so he was gone most of the time either with late games, practice, or out of town with the team for extended periods due to baseball having series.

H came home at the end of spring break for two days because OW's in-laws were in town, but as soon as they left he found a reason to leave again.

During that time, I only told my brother and sister. It wasn't until the beginning of May that I told people at work. My fellow science teacher saw something was wrong and asked so I told her. Then H came home around my birthday, April 17. He had OW come over the day after my birthday when he set up an apartment in our basement. I went down to do laundry and caught them kissing. He swears they weren't, he was just "leaning over her", but that was not true. I got so mad that I called one of his coworkers to see if he was doing stuff at school.

That of course got him mad and he left again. He then threatened that if he lost his job that he would make sure I lost mine, which is when I told my associate principal because I wanted her to know what was going on in case he did try to say something. I am a good teacher and don't do anything wrong. I am also well liked.

H and OW were already on everyone's radar because I guess H had been getting called into his principal's office for inappropriate stuff, and in March when my grandpa's funeral was, H went to work for half a day and left. OW left at the same time and everyone started saying they left to be together (way before I ever asked anything of anyone).

The rest of that school year H almost lost his job. My mom is also in the school system and said something to another aide about H living with OW. He then made me say I would lie if anyone asked so he wouldn't lose his job. Ultimately he blamed me for it all when the rumors and speculations started way before I knew anything. The rumors started when I was grieving the suicide of my grandpa, but he blamed me. I didn't know the rumors had started months before i knew, but later found out when I read a letter he wrote outlining everything in case he had to go in front of human resources. He was brought in twice before I knew and a number of times after I said something due to him and OW being in his room by themselves all the time. His students even told another teacher (mother to my sister-in-law's friend) that they didn't want to go in the room when OW was in there because they felt uncomfortable.

OW quit her job to save H's job so she became his saviour. I told him she should thank me because she has a degree in therapy, but instead was being an aide getting half the money she should be getting. After quitting, she now has a therapy job making a lot more money, which would not have happened if she didn't quit her job. Even then it was their actions that started everything not me.

After a summer off, I then told the counselors at work and a group of friends at lunch because August-December 2009 were my worst times. They all kept it to themselves, but asked me if I needed anything. My older male coworkers (my parent's age) came to me and said if I need anything to just call. They were all great. As for H, I didn't talk to any of his coworkers unless I saw them at a school function. Last year I went to a few school functions and it was hard because everyone thought we were a happy family when H was living in another house that was a family friend's while it was selling with OW.

I did see one of his coworkers last summer at the grocery store. She saw me and said hi and something else, and I said well if H comes home. She is one of the coworkers who I know for a fact was pushing H and OW to be together and even invited them on numerous outings with her so they could be together, but not be like they were "together". H got mad, but at that point I did not care because he made his decision. I was finally at a point where I know I did many things to not help the marriage and I had my faults as a wife, but I worked through them and am a different person now. H has been cheating on me since we were dating with many EA's. This was the first PA, although he won't admit it, I have proof.

Sorry it is so long, but I wanted you to know about my first few months (before finding this) because since your H and you are teachers it is very similar. Being in the same district is tough, but I would just go at your own pace. Do what feels right to you. I now just tell people we are divorcing unless they ask for more info, but for the 18 months, I had been trying to save my marriage because H said he wasn't decided yet. In that time I needed to vent about things that were happening otherwise I wouldn't have been able to deal with H in a way that I needed to. My coworkers were the only people who only knew me so I needed that. My friends and family all were both of ours so although they all "took my side" because they saw H out and about with OW, I still needed my sounding boards.

For you, it is hard because you are in the same district. Just do what you feel is best for you. I know in the high school people gossip a little less so I was ok, but elementary is horrible with talking to everyone. I hope this helps let you know that you are not alone.

Wishing you the best.

[newmama]

Hi, Lost, just catching up on your thread and wanted to give you some support.

It is a HUGE step for you to be able to decorate your tree and function in the spirit of the season, especially so early in your situation! After exH moved out, all I could do was go to work, eat (for the baby since I was pregnant; otherwise I would have lost weight for sure from the LBS diet) and log onto SI [--edited by dbmod: advertising]. I did that until S was born. EVERY DAY. Eat, work, SI, sleep, repeat. (I didn't find this source until October 2009) You have made it through Thanksgiving already and are trying to make it through Christmas. There is no TRY, only DO, right? (thanks Yoda) and you are DOING it.

In my case, I was in limbo for over a year (if you can call it limbo when he was living with OW but he didn't file for divorce) and the way I survived was in stages. The first stage was just to function, but I looked my best. I took this inspiration from my exSIL whose H left her and she ALWAYS "looked" amazing--it showed STRENGTH, I thought). OH and I made sure I was on top of my bills because how easy is it to block EVERYTHING out? Very. I was taking approved anti-d's and sleeping pills, too. My OBGYN INSISTED.

The next stage was living in the present, taking care of my newborn, but listing goals for GAL when he was old enough for me to do more. I also reflected on things exH complained about me and made lists of things to do/change IF I agreed that they would be beneficial. i.e. I would never start playing paintball or learn to ski because it would only be to please him...I have zero interest in those things. However, I could be a better listener and not talk over/interrupt, I could start to cook more and start to work on the yard, learn to swim, and start household projects.

Stage 3 was GALing PLUS working on self improvement. GAL was THE BEST THING I EVER COULD HAVE DONE!! It will save ANYONE from suicide or just being raw, experiencing the depths of Hell, or whatever you want to call the misery of being betrayed and left for the other person. Get A Life...start LIVING now even when you don't know the future.

I worked in those stages until a year later when he talked seriously about D and then I started to take the bull by the horns and researched about how D process was legally done (because I was too afraid and overwhelmed by the idea). Now, in my case, when he moved out in March 09, we both created a "draft" of the divorce paperwork and parenting plan. We each had a copy. And neither of us moved further than that until he brought it up a year later. So I wasn't starting from scratch.

After he finally filed for D, I was in shock but not destroyed due to all of the GALing I had done (cheap classes at the community park rec program, joined various groups and single parent groups at meetup.com, and a bunch of other things like I listed). I mean I was devestated and disappointed and heartbroken but I knew I COULD live this life as a single parent and accept that identity.

That is what MWD talks about in her Divorcebusting books... that even if our efforts fail to save our marriage, we are strong enough and capable enough to build a new life for ourselves so we will not be desolute.

Give yourself time to be depressed, but then make a plan for GAL and self improvement. Then DO IT. (not like in 3 days...think more like over the next few months...DBing takes months, not days!)

(((HUGS!!!!))) sorry for the long post!

[newmama]

Oh and Lost, if you told someone that H was having an A, wouldn't he just get transferred rather than fired? What is your district's policy on dating co-workers? IS there anything on having an affair?

He is scared about his REPUTATION, not his job! But I know you know that.

Psst...if he does get transferred, that would be super ideal for complicating things for him and OW don't you think? And there is no one like a PTA mom who will spread the gossip if somehow a parent found out!

[awest1217]

Psst...if he does get transferred, that would be super ideal for complicating things for him and OW don't you think? And there is no one like a PTA mom who will spread the gossip if somehow a parent found out!

NM- I love this LOL Parents especially PTA parents are the best at spreading anything and everything...

[lostandconfused6]

Thanks for your input NM and awest.
Unfortunately my husband's school corp is one elementary, one middle, and one highschool all in the same building. So there would be no hope of him getting transferred. My best bet, in order to keep my own financial situation as stable as possible, is to keep my mouth shut. Which is so frustrating b/c the two of them are continuing the hang out with each other and at the very least are having an EA. I think the plan is to keep it underground until we officially divorce, and then make it look like they just got together. For whatever reason they just don't seem to fear exposure. The ow's husband caught them 2 months before I did, and threatened to expose them then, and they kept up the affair until I found out when they supposedly stopped it. But word has it they are still in each other's rooms all of the time, and I caught them emailing each other again. But exposing, it sounds like, really could cause them to lose their jobs. I need my child support to be able to keep the house. The whole situation that he has put me/ son in is just a mess, and he doesn't seem to care. It makes absolutely no sense!

[newmama]

Lost, I am not going to pressure you into exposing. I never exposed to exH's work and I don't regret it. I am just wondering though if a teacher could get FIRED for having an affair-- I don't see the reasoning.

I have heard of rules against people dating, but they won't get fired!

And why assume your H would have to leave the building? Why wouldn't the homewrecker OW??? Who has more experience, you know?

Again, I am asking this NOT TO TALK YOU INTO exposure but because I am sick and tired of Wayward spouses telling their LBS that they will get fired if they were exposed when it isn't true. (in cases where it isn't true, that is)

Oh and this:

I think the plan is to keep it underground until we officially divorce, and then make it look like they just got together.

is EVERY WS' plan. It is so frustrating to see them all act so similarly!!! However, people will figure it out when they were such good friends right before the divorce and suddenly your H isn't so upset over the divorce and instead is flaunting his "new" girlfriend.

Where are you in the divorce process again?

[awest1217]

With H's school, H almost lost his job not due to the affair, but because of all the problems it caused like students not wanting to be in the room with him and OW, or teachers complaining because OW was in H's room instead of with her kids, etc.

I am also not pushing you to expose because in my case it made life really hard for a while, but don't be bullied as well. I also thought about if H lost his job what would happen, but really, everyone at the school already knew something was going on so me saying something was not the issue, and for me I finally had to remember that I can't take responsibility for H's actions. H is having an affair and not me.

Do what you feel is best, but don't live in fear. Don't live pretending either. Also do a little research. Find out what would really happen. I am with NM, I don't believe H would be fired for having an affair unless it has affected his teaching (like my H), otherwise the board would have no ground to fire.

I also agree with NM on how all WAS will "hide" the affair until the D is over. My H is still wearing his wedding band, but living with OW. He doesn't want to be seen as the "bad guy", but when people see him with OW right after our D they will know.

Stay strong. Take care of yourself because this is such a hard thing to deal with, and you need all the energy you can.

[lostandconfused6]

I appreciate your support nm and awest. I have gone round and round in my head with what to tell people. It is funny b/c he so badly wants me not to tell- at least not who the affair is with- and he says to me "you have so much power in this". What is sad is I don't view it that way at all. I have no power in this, either way, whether I tell or not, I am affected. And I still lose everything- my house, time with my son, my husband, some family, some friends, etc. He has all the power here. He can end the affair, save his reputation (since people don't really know yet) work on his marriage, etc., etc., etc.

I don't know what I will do. At this point, I don't think my decision is based on wanting to save my marriage or not save my marriage. It really isn't about hurting him or revenge either.
It will be about what decision is going to be the easiest for me to live with. One one hand i am so sick of all of the lies that surround me right now, and I am just dying to have it all out there and end this crazy cycle of lying he has pulled me into. I feel like I am walking around in a haze all of the time- on created by gaslighting! On the otherhand, I don't want to provide fuel for the gossip. Simply saying that we chose to separate rather than why maybe will shorten its shelf life as a topic of conversation!
It has been so great hearing both of your perspectives since you both handled it in different ways. I really don't want him to get fired, so I am glad you guys both kind of think that he wouldn't. Now her on the other hand...... He does have more seniority. I guess that works in my favor.