It's not over till it's over right?

[lostandconfused6]

Well I definitely f'ed up dropping the rope tonight. Not a good idea having wh pick you up from the airport. Being picked up from the airport was too nostalgic as it is, and a 3 hour flight with a crying and screaming 2 year old (mine) did not have me in the best frame of mind. And it doesn't help that when he meets me at the airport, he changes the plan on me that he was supposed to have our son tonight.
I guess those are the excuses that I will offer myself, but the bottom line is I f'ed up. Why when you know your about to screw everything up with a confrontation, and you know from experience you will feel worse later for having had a confrontation, is there a tiny voice that tells you -"but this might actually make you feel better.. it might actually come out positively this time." Why??????????

[lostandconfused6]

Detaching is so hard. Does foregiveness have to come first? Does acceptance that my future will be alright no matter what happens have to come first? I am having a hard time accepting both of these right now. I am having such a hard time with both of these b/c of my son. I am so angry that I feel we took away the life he deserved to have - one with a family together. I am mad that I didn't have any choice in that. When I made the choice to get pregnant I did it with the belief that neither my husband and I thought of divorce as an option. Not even 1 full year into my son's life this affair began. I am scared as to how this will affect his life. I don't know how to see WH twice a week and discuss with him issues pertaining to my son without all of the anger being there. Especially since he is still with the OW, and lying about what happened and is still happening. There are so many lies!! I want nothing more than to run away with my son and get away from both of them until this is all over. How do I let go of all of this anger and fear about my son's future? And the anger I feel every time we interact with each other right now? I think in order to detach I need to do this, and I just don't know how. Help!!!
And the embarrassment. We are both teachers, in schools about 5 miles from each other. He did this with another teacher. Many families that have attended my school, attend his school. Teachers at my school have students in his class. I am afraid of how people will react, parents and other teachers. Whether I tell the truth about what happened or not, I am afraid of their reaction to me. I know divorce rate is 50% (my husband keeps reminding me that, b/c that makes this all ok) but in our schools it is 0% amongst the staff. I know I have no choice but to detach, I do not control him and he wants nothing but "friendship" from me. I know to successfully detach I have to believe I am going to be ok, but how do I make myself believe that I am not going to hurt this way forever? That my son won't hurt this way forever. This post probably sounds so whiney, but I am just so sad today.

[DoneAfter10]

Lost--'m so sorry! I personally believe it's okay to have those "whiney" days if that's what you want to call it. As long as we don't let everyday be like that, then it's okay. We need to be able to process through all the hurt we feel as part of the healing process. I too feel the way you do about the baby. We went through 3 years of infertility and then invitro fertilization for our baby. Obviously leaving/divorcing was the last thing either of us imagined. That's why I stay convinced that my WAH will hopefully one day come to his senses b/c this is so out of character for him. In the meantime, though, I gotta take care of me and my precious baby--try to give her the live she does deserve even though her daddy chose to walk out on us. It makes me angry, too, though. And everytime I look at my baby I understand my husband less and less b/c I can not imagine ever walking away from my child. How do you do that? How do you walk out on such an innocent person---someone who is so precious and deserves the world???? So senseless.

[sandi2]

Detaching is so hard. Does foregiveness have to come first?

Here's the thing,Lost, neither detaching or even forgiving is going to take the pain away right now. That is what you are dealing with....pain.

Even if you talked yourself into forgiving him tonight....you would find out that it still hurts. Forgiveness does bring a certain amount of healing, but when you are so raw with emotional pain....I don't believe it works right then. Hopefully, you will be able to reach that place.

I don't know how to see WH twice a week and discuss with him issues pertaining to my son without all of the anger being there.

I'm not trying to be an a$$, but are you saying that you can't talk to him without anger, or are you saying that you have to have more than two days a week to talk about son's issues?

I know I have no choice but to detach,

Think of it as you having a choice, b/c you do. Detaching is for your benefit as well as for the M.......but you do have that choice.

I know to successfully detach I have to believe I am going to be ok, but how do I make myself believe that I am not going to hurt this way forever? That my son won't hurt this way forever.

Reading some posts from those whose M did not survive will show that you don't suffer this bad from now on. You are in a very low place right now, righfully so. You have every right to feel like you do. It is very much like losing your loved one in death. You probably know that grief has stages that you have to get through before you can begin to go forward with your life. The closer that person was to you...the longer it takes. And when you finally get through the grieving, you know that you will never, never stop missing that loved one. You know that your life will never be like it once was b/c your loved on is gone. I don't know that that the pain completely goes away,but it does get lighter. You do discover that you have to continue to live....even if you don't want to some days.

Your life will go on, and it will be okay and maybe it will even be better. I think most of that is up to you. You will find that the love you have for that little boy will give you the power to push forward.

You can't make your H be a good father, just as you can't make him love you. That is quite a hill to climb,but once you realize that all you can do is be the best mom possible, then some of that pressure will be lifted. Being angry takes a lot of energy.Sometimes, we may be mad at another person,but those angry emotions are misdirected. I know I use to have that problem a lot. You don't want your son to think you are angry at him....when it's really his dad.

You keep coming here to vent your feelings.

((hugs))

[lostandconfused6]

Thank you Sandi, you have such a gift for giving such common sense advice. You are really able to read a situation well. You're right,I need to accept that this pain won't go away for awhile. I think I am looking for a solution to that, as much as I am hoping to that my relationship could be fixed. There is no quick fix. The pain is scary right now, my future is scary right now. And it does hurt so much. I feel like all the joy has been sucked out of my life. I have never understood what people meant when they said that they can't take the pain anymore until I felt pain like this.

You're right about placing my focus on my son. Learning to change what I can and accept what I can't. I have started to say the Serenity Prayer, hoping to gain strength in this area.

Thank you for sharing your insights, sometimes the words I read are just enough to help me face another day of this.

[awest1217]

Lostandconfused, I saw your post on newmamas thread. I am sorry you are here. I am also a teacher. My H left me just before spring break 2009. I told people at work slowly. First a fellow teacher noticed I was not myself and asked so I told her. Then I told the associate principal because H made some threats I wanted the school to be aware of. Then the counselors at work because I am on a team with them. Then a group of fellow teachers at lunch. That took one year. I filed just before this school year started. Some teachers still don't know, but it is getting around slowly. Everyone has beenso great and supportive.

I toofelt ashamed when H first left, but I dealt with those feelings and although I still feel weird, i don't mind it as much and I can tell people without crying. So many coworkers completely understand, but have never treated me differently besides saying they are willing to help as needed.

[awest1217]

I forgot to add. Just let people know as you are ready. Do what feels right to you because that is what is most important.

[lostandconfused6]

Thank you awest for you perspective. My sitch is complicated by the fact that my h is also a teacher and his ap is a teacher at his school. My school and his school are about 10 miles from each other, but there are a lot of connections between the two schools. Two of my staff members have kids who go to his school. One of these staff members has a daughter in his class. Many of my former "families" have transferred to his school for the middle school, so there are many families who know us both and have even had us both as teachers. He is a very respected teacher, so it is hard to know how this will affect his reputation, but so am I. I definitely think people will take sides, whether I choose to tell about the affair or not. I think there are people who would just refuse to believe that he is capable of it. It is all so uncomfortable. I have kept it quiet for fear that he would lose his job, and to avoid the uncomfortableness of it all. But what is most frustrating to me is that he continues to have a relationship with her. He thinks that he can get away with that w/o people finding out, but tells me that if I tell anyone he will lose his job. It is all so crazy!!!

[lostandconfused6]

Good day today. I have been dragging my feet about putting up Christmas decorations. But my 2 year old son has been so excited about Christmas this year and especially loves the Christmas trees that he sees. So I decided that I would pull myself together enough to do it for him. It ended up being a gift for me! The reaction of a 2 year old to putting up a Christmas tree and decorating it with ornaments is priceless. You can't not be in the holiday spirit when you are around it. He is such a blessing in my life. I feel sad for my husband that he missed out it.

[geekmama]

Thank goodness for kids! Mine are 16 and 21 and they're the only reason I even felt like decorating our tree. I kept wondering as we all decorated if this would be my last Christmas with H. I'm not ready to believe it yet! No way, no how. This is our 25th Christmas together and I ain't goin' down without a fight!