Hope it's not too late

[Sad_but_happy]

So this IS confusing. Is SHE initiating the contact or are you? I think you need her to initiate 3x to 1

[sandi2]

Okay, I thought you were in the home and she had moved out....and you were putting up the tree where you lived. Sorry I got confused about that.

You are wanting to reach out and help her, but she doesn't welcome it, yet. As you said, her parents are there for whatever she needs. But, if she still loves you.....her parents can't replace that void that you filled.

Back off and give her plenty of space. That's what you have to do in these situations when you try something and it doesn't work.....you learn from it.

[what next?]

Yeah, I have left the house for her. I have access to the house still but hadn't gone over there since I left (except to pick up the car.) But I was going over there to put the dirt in the back yard to cover some exposed foundation. I have only responded to her contacts. I might email her today to let her know that I am going to put the sod on the dirt but I will keep it completely straight forward.

[what next?]

Maybe I'm not "going dark" enough. I have been pretty explanatory in my emails and maybe not mysterious enough? I have been bending over backwards when she does contact me so I think that that has to stop. Monday is my birthday so I'm interested to see how that goes. I'm not going to contact her obviously.

[sandi2]

When tempted to contact(like telling her about the soil, etc.) ask yourself if that is something she would figure out by herself. How important is it that you must text or email? Is it something that can wait?

When you are focused on her (and you are), everything seems to be an opportunity to contact. But it could be more irratating to her than welcomed. She will see it as pursuing.

[what next?]

Another question for Sandi. How did you feel when you read this site as a WAW? Did you think that you were different or that your situation was? How were you able to identify yourself in what you read? I don't think that my wife can see any of it applying to us and I'm sure that that just has to be given time but since you found this on your own I wonder how you processed it.

[what next?]

Yeah I'm done contacting her completely. I realize that everything that I do is pursuing no matter what my intention is. I will respond kindly when she does contact me but I think the Christmas tree was a bad idea (and that was my instinct so at least my instinct was right even if I talked myself out of following that lol)

[sandi2]

To be completely honest, I believe a WAW would need to come here and read the advise out of her own free will....and no suggestions from her H. If my H had tried to get me to come here....I would have never read a single post. But since he had nothing to do with it, I did not feel pressured.

I did feel like the minority in this community, b/c I quickly saw that most of the members were WAS. But that did not discourage me at all.

My reaction to reading Michele's WAW Syndrome was like finding somebody who "understood" how I felt. I did identify with what I read. It was like looking in a mirror. I think that is why it helped b/c I was open to it.

Being different......yes, I felt my stitch was somewhat different in the beginning, but over time I have seen others come here that were going through similar things. It's not just young couples who are raising families who are faced with these problems. There are people who have been M for a long time who go down this road.

I'm not sure how to tell how I processed what I read. I welcomed the advise, for the most part. I didn't want to do some of the things that were suggested and I didn't like it if someone tried to pressure me to do it "their way". I didn't want to be pushed. When anyone suggested that I try certain things(like be sexual) with my H, I wasn't to receptive to that. I had to go slow.

One thing that was difficult would be to see the really bad stuff that the people would say about WAW's. But OTOH, it was through these posts from LBS's that I began to see the raw pain that was there. They actually helped me to see what I had done to my own H better than he had.

I consider myself one of the very blessed....who found the road to DB.

[what next?]

Yeah, I'm not going to try and direct her to here. I realize that that would only backfire. I just wish she could find it on her own lol. I did tell her about WAW when I first heard about it but that was quite a while back now. I tried to get her to read Michele's first chapter but I don't know whether or not she did. Just so frustrating to me that she is putting a ton of effort right now into getting through this (going to recovery classes at church and reading about life after divorce) but if she would put that effort into saving our marriage then we could avoid all of this. What I hope (and believe) will happen is that after all is said and done she will realize that there is more to the loss than a book can teach her to deal with. When she is confronted with that reality I think she will be open to considering putting the effort into reconciliation.

[what next?]

Well, no word from her and it's my birthday. Seems kind of cold lol

But it's fine because it would be awkward anyway. Had a guy give me a quote on sod today for the backyard (it needs quite a bit more than I put down last week) but I think I'll wait until she contacts me to tell her about that.