Should I email you on side or here... confused on your comment about"here" now everyone can see it
We don't allow for private messages nor for folks posting their email addresses. It's about everyone's privacy and personal protections. People posting here are in a vulnerable state, and may give out an email they wish they hadn't. So we make that call for you.
"Should I email you on side or here... confused on your comment about"here" now everyone can see it"
Well you can't email me. You will just have to talk it out here.
I have a nasty habit of posting somewhat confusingly. To explain that some.. my brain does not work like a normal person.
To be more clear.. your post is not showing as edited by anyone other than the change Dbmod just made. Db.com does have an issue from time to time that post's get lost. You click submit and your computer just does nothing. When you close the window.. your post does not happen. This is most likely what got you.
That is why I was asking you to post it again. I don't see the post that answers my questions. I assume that you don't either.
As a side note.. Db.com has been thru some changes recently. There has been lots of editing of posts.. or even deleting some. Some people got banned.. and now have hurt feelings. I am good at picking emotions out in a post. I have been here long enough to kinda know where people will go in their postings. You don't come to DB.com seeking help.. and then not answer the questions. At the very least.. you would get irritated and question why I am asking all the questions. To me.. and only me.. there is something amiss here in your postings. I truly hope that I am wrong.. and that you do need help and you are reaching out for help. For me.. and me only.. I just don't see your heart. I am here to help you. I don't need to practice what I believe anymore. If that seems harsh.. or out of line.. I think I will get edited. That is a chance I am willing to take.
You have to show me.. that you can and are willing to do what is asked of you.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
"I want to be his friend but coach thinks for my cooling off period I should just stick to talks about the kids and the finances."
Why did the coach recommend that?
Need help?
"I have some internal trust and self esteem issues I need to work on right now."
You listed Trust first.. so that is what is most important to you.
He needs to earn that. You can't fix that on your own.
So for now.. we throw Trust away.
Self Esteem.
What is it? Why did you loose it?
"we cant go back to the way our marriage was."
OK.. gimme some heartfelt words that explain where you want to be.
Who is Hopeless29?
What does she have to offer?
Understand.. that I am gonna hold you to the words.. "You can't go Back."
Forest I hope I posted this correctly....
Question 1) I think the coach asked me to stick to just baby talk and finances because EVERY conversation I have with H I bring up why cant we go to counciling this is fixable I know it -- we didnt give it a try we spent so much time breaking it-- ect... I am confused because I feel like if I make small talk I am only making it easier for H to close the door. He has mentioned several times to me that all he wants is to be friends. So if I meet his friend need and he is still partying and looking for women I dont understand how that brings us closer... so I think that may be why she asked me to only stick to the basics and give him time to miss me.
2.) Self Esteeem to me means being confident in your own skin. Not having to have your H to tell you everytime you go out you need a compliment and when they dont give it you ask them why they didnt say it - THIS IS ME. I live for his approval on everything - when I cook - when I buy him gifts ect... I have surrounded myself with my family and used them in a bit to make me happy which leads to confidence. I stopped carrying about everything except making everyone happy and even then towards September I stopped trying to make the H happy and started to shut down. I just stopped feeling good about myself - my life and my marriage. I think my turning point was becoming a mommy and taking the time to take care of myself. I changed as I use to be a strong career women and left that to be a stay at home mom who works part time (I also think this may be a turning point two years ago)
3.) I am ashamed to say I dont know who I am anymore. When all of this happened I spent a weekend with some girlfriends and I watched how they had all managed their lifes and had prsonalitties and I remember thinking to myself in the car who am I??? I am trying to desperatly figure this out. Who am I as a wife - who am I as a mommy and who will I become now that H has left and I am faced with a divorce. I do know I want this -- someone who doesnt forget to show emotion --- someone who doesnt forget to say I love you everyday (parents - babies --H) someone who doesnt take life and experiences for granted - has an open mind and an open heart. I want to laugh again and be that vibrant person with confidence and humor. I feel very plan jane right now.
4.) I have tremendous abouts of love and passion to offer. My H says I dont but I do - I just lost site of it. I am a very good friend as I am giving -caring - loving
I dont know what other emotions you are looking for from me - I am filled with them and expressing them like a facuet. I am mad one day and ready to tell him to file the divorce - the next day I want to fight for him and have hope he is coming back- the next day I am sad as I seem to realize he is lost and not coming back - and everyday is spent crying in secret spots so my babies dont see me sad- Meanwhile H continues to call and act like we are best friends -- goes out spends all the money(he took me off of the account)-and is happy in his new life - I am the one left behind with great pain - I think I always thought if we didnt make it I would be the one to leave since I was the one unhappy but now he left.
I read your post and my story is so similar to yours. I also have 2 young children...2 and 1. H left 5 months ago, I kicked him out when I discovered OW. He moved in with his parents. I feel completely desperate to get him back but have no idea how to do it. Its very hard to do some of the things they recommend on here with young kids...my life is the kids and they are practically babies so they need me home with them. I also lost myself completely in my marriage and especially in motherhood. I did very little for myself for a long time, which made me resentful towards him and so I was always nagging him. Now I see how I could've handled it sooooo much better, which just really sucks because it feels like its too late.
I really want to get him to go to counseling, we actually have an appointment next week but he says he won't go. How can I fix anything if he won't even try? Some days he won't even talk to me on the phone or text, which makes me get even crazier and call a ton of times. I just feel like if I could just talk to him and get through to him, he'd change his mind.
I'm sorry that I have absolutely no good advice for you. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.
Forrest has a great, let me say, unique 'knack' for reading people, drawing them out, challenging, and helping folks to move forward. You can really benefit from this, Hopeless. I'm glad you are working together.
Andylee, Thank you for sharing. Sounds very similar. I really believe their is an OW. Or I grasp for some reasoning why you just walk away from your wife and two small ones.
I too "let myself" go in the whole baby/mommyhood. I think that may be our problem. Can you remember what your H liked about you when you first met what drew you two together? that is what I have been focusing on and trying to remember. I am trying to find myself and I hope you will to. Its hard with 2 in diapers and needing every moment of our time. Do they act any differently? Mine are just more clingy then usual.
What do his parents say? My MIL is fine with the whole thing because she has someone to take care of. My FIL passed away last year and she has been lost.
I did something "crazy" today I didnt answer H call or email - I just was so overwhelmed with emotion and felt believe it or not I needed space. Well he called me 5 times... dont know what that means, I do know from my experience dont call or email let him contact you and do the effort. Its hard it hurts the first few days but if you are always calling and emailing he has the emotional power. I begged and called the first few days and he just shut off - then I stopped and he now reaches out to me - he makes the effort. I dont know if that helps or not.
I just want to give you a hug because I think I know exactly what you are feeling and going through - I am sorry
Forrest has a great, let me say, unique 'knack' for reading people, drawing them out, challenging, and helping folks to move forward. You can really benefit from this, Hopeless. I'm glad you are working together.
Ya, he'll make you 'do work' to understand what he says, bring out the 'drama queen' in you, occasionally tell you about Jenny and the best part is you'll never know what you get - just like a 'box of chocolates'. So 'here we go' ...
