Damn True, you were 100000% right. I was focusing on my wife and it got me in trouble big time. Today, I was driving by the office where the OM works to see if my W's car was there. Well she "caught" me and insisted I was following her. I wasn't.That spawned a R discusion.
Here is what came out of it.

1. W decided to cut off contact with the OM completely. Not I never once asked her to. She said she need to do it for her because it was clouding the issues.
2. She admitted that she "f"'ed up as much as I did.
3. W decided that we needed to go into couples therapy and made an appointment for us right in front of me.
4. W said that she wanted to work on saving our M. I said I did too. So we are on the same page.
5. She also said that she still loves me.

BUT, and it's a big one
6. She wants a temp physical separation in order to accomplish 3.

As you can guess, I'm not thrilled about living apart. But the investment night be worth it. She agreed that as part of the separation we'd have dinner as a family a couple nights a week. I think we should also have a night for us every couple of weeks, but that's pushing it now. and We have to layout ground rules.

I guess I will go along and use the DB principles.

Oh Poooo.

I'm not smarter just frustrated. Now some might call this a "success" story. I mean it was only 4 weeks ago that W wanted a divorce and was sending raunchy emails to the OM in her EA.

it won't be a success until we are back to living together as a family and happy with a future.

Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.
--Jean Jacques Rousseau.