But the being nice part - you can do that without words. If you see her sad, reach out and touch her hair, or her cheek, use your eyes to convey your love. Do not offer verbally, if you want to do something for her, just do it without saying anything. Prepare her coffee and put it where she usually does. You can let her know you did it already. If she gets iritated, do not do it again. remember DB principles: Try, experiment, note hwat works, do not repeat what does not, and do not go down cheeseless tunnels!
I think words are our enemies in this situations.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
YOU know Pickle, when you say things like "I will not dismantle this family , yadayada, that can be interpreted as " but you are, and I hate you for it...." see what it means? So you don't have to say "I hate you", but all your words can be interpreted as such.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
So basically you're saying just STFU, because I'm listening to a crazy person?
Okay, but it's not easy, because she "baits" me.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
YOU know Pickle, when you say things like "I will not dismantle this family , yadayada, that can be interpreted as " but you are, and I hate you for it...." see what it means? So you don't have to say "I hate you", but all your words can be interpreted as such.
I've been thinking - and you know, in a twisted sense, I do hate her. I mean, sometimes I wish she would just go away.
Is it possible to hate someone you think you're in love with?
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Pickle, yes to both the above! I used to scream "I hate you" in my car when I had too much! I would curse, and cry, and even sometimes wish he would just go away, I would imagine scenarios where I would throw away his clothes, where I would just leave with D who he lves so much and never show up! then when I am close to home, I would compose myself and by the time I see him, will be calm and collected, and that is when I would act "as if" everything were normal, and just go about the activities of daily living. Of course he had no choice but to do the same - we cooked, cleaned, did the laundry, picked up D from school as we always did. No change. there is comfort in routine.
And yes, STFU! Thats what I did....listen, resist the urge to be baited. The WAW, MLCer all do that ..... they bait you so you would say something that they can use against you! Their minds become devious!
And that is where you would see that pleasant little smile....
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
I hate my H sometimes too - for how betrayed I feel, for the effect of his leaving on our children, for his inability/refusal to tell me what he really thought all those years that led to this, and for essentially setting us up for failure.
Others here have cautioned me not to treat myself as a victim, though, and you shouldn't either. We're strong people. We can survive this.
Then once you have been doing this so much it becomes part of you. You start not hating, but really loving, unconditionally, without expectations. YOur prayers become sincere, and thats when they will be heard. YOu start looking into yourself and understanding the interaction between you and her.
I remember once my H asked me how therapy helped me, and I did not know what to say. Me, a very verbal person, lost for words? I realized then that I had become so used to STFU that it had become a part of me.
Once they get back to normal, there will be all the time in the world for explanations, for questions, etc. Thats how I see it. But for now, keep your goal in mind, which is to save the M.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Cajun Rose, I know, but we are victims no matter what, its just that we know how to handle it now. And we have all the right in the world to hate them, but its our choice not to. So that empowers us, and also, hating sometone will poison your world and your life, and make you a mikserable person. Letting go, forgiving....that gives us freedom, whether the M survives or not. Not to say that we will not have moments of hatred. I just make myself stop it, consciously. or maybe, wallow in it a bit, then move on to something else.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Well I think I did much better tonight. Considering that I was dreading another bomb drop. I held my tongue and my anger, though it was with great effort.
We went out shopping as the excuse for her to "talk". Turns out she really wants to visit OM the weekend of 12/18. Wants assurances that I wont throw her stuff in the driveway; wont expose her to kids, friends, family etc. I just STFU mostly.
In her head I would be the bad guy for doing all that, and she's the victim for being forced to seek legal protection yada, yada. In the end the only thing I promised was to not throw her stuff out. She said she can't trust me - I almost responded but STFU instead - can you believe that? She can't trust me?? But as the eveneng wore on, I told he I didn't want to rush the D.
And Angel you'll be proud, When she said she thought I hated her I told her I was still in love with her. She said, "you're just hurting 'cause you don't want change." But I instantly responded that she cannot presume to know my feelings just as I don't presume to know hers. I said your feelings are yours and you believe what you believe, and I dont question that; it is what it is. And that silenced her.
On the drive back she hemmed and hawed about we are only going to remain together because we cannot afford to live apart, but I reminded her that I wanted it for the kids. Then she pressed on about reaching an agreement and I asked do you want an open arrangement? She said, "I don't know," several times right after saying she wants to see OM and "it's not like I'll be going up there all the time." Then she said she's not going to live in a loveless marriage, and then I jumped right in.
I said I don't want that either, "I want a loving marriage; I don't want to go back to the way things were the last year or two." She started to retort, because she thinks the last five were miserable, but I cut her off and said, "I WANT IT TO BE BETTER!"
And that was pretty much the end of the conversation.
Your anlaysis please.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
We went out shopping as the excuse for her to "talk". Turns out she really wants to visit OM the weekend of 12/18. Wants assurances that I wont throw her stuff in the driveway; wont expose her to kids, friends, family etc. I just STFU mostly.
"Wife, I will not be in an open marriage. I can't stop you from going to see him, I will not throw your stuff out or expose to the kids, but when you come home I will have boxes waiting for you and I will help pack up your stuff while you figure out where you are going to go stay. I will not be in your life, if he is."
IAP, that is a personal boundary. Clear and simple. You just can't be ANGRY when you do this. That is a test to see if you will stand up for yourself and the marriage. If you accept her going to see the OM then she will NOT respect you. Be firm, but kind.
