Is there any reason to hope - yet another one

[angel61]

Harrier,
I think you are a very intelligent person, and could use DB wisely. There are some things which work here, and some things that don't depending on your situation. First of all, the pursuing thing: what does it mean?
When my H first dropped the bomb (same story as yours, EA, confused on whether he wanted to leave or not) I did all the pursuing, said ILY so much, bent over backward, tried to prove my love. He himself told me that it pressured him, made him feel he had to resciprocate when he did not feel like it, clouded his mind with guilt to the point that he could not figure out himself all the more. So DB was right.
However, when i backed off too much on the other hand, detached too much, it sort of made him turn more to OW because he needed the closeness, and also, it hurt me too much that I could not function.
My instinct told me that he needed some closeness, but not too much to suffocate him. I found what I think was the right mix.I have seen this kind of advice too in some other people here.

If you feel that your W welcomes your company, I would say go for it, just be careful not to suffocate her, remember she appreciates the space (exactly what my H asked me for as well).

The detachment: We need to detach so that we do not react to every thing said and done by our spouses, or else we will be such a wreck. It allows your intelligent, sane mind to control your anger, your misery. It allows you to step back and assess each situation, to be careful of what you say.

No matter how unfair it is, remember that your spouse is not thinking normally at this point,is very confused, and it behooves you to be the one to make a choice on whether you want to save your M or not.

Like you, I made my changes a year before my H even dropped the bomb, but it came nonetheless. I guess the changes were not enough. But I am glad I found DB because if not, maybe I would have given up a long time ago. DB not only kept things from going crazy, but is keeping me in the M as well, teaching me patience, and leading me to search my soul.

There are many other resources out there to look at,to read, but many seem to say the same thing.