I believe we are concurrently in stages 2 & 3 of the marriage map and that I have already had symptoms of MLC and now my wife is having them. I also know that I am part of the LRT right now so I have to look for small changes and I cannot “ask for what I want”.
More of the same:
1. Blaming in any way. 2. Being defensive even if I am not acting “angry”. 3. Explaining myself and how I’ve changed instead of showing it. 4. Pursuing a. Texting b. Too many thank-you’s c. Acting needy and scared and saying so when it comes to the pets d. Ignoring her questions when I am trying to avoid confrontations 5. Being a hopeless wreck and simply clinging to hope
How to stop these:
1. Take accountability for anything I do wrong and simply validate my wife’s feelings. Most importantly SHUT UP if I am going to blame in any way. 2. Stop talking about past expectations and explaining my actions. Keep up on anger management techniques. 3. Do not explain what I am doing to show respect or how I have supposedly been listening. If possible take action but otherwise just validate the feelings. Any opportunity I have to be around my wife or in-laws I need to show the changes. Especially if I am in the house, clean up what I can in the amount of time I have, do small things without being asked that I didn’t do before. 4. Think about any action or word from my wife’s point of view and see if it is pursing. a. If I must text my wife about something, once and done and wait for a reply. b. Show appreciation b/c she complained that wasn’t there before but don’t thank multiple times or in any way that shows weakness on my part, just appreciation. c. If my wife wants to discuss business do it in a way that shows I care but I am not scared. Treat it like an adult in a business transaction and do not mention how I feel. Will have to come to terms that I may lose my pets, while I love them dearly I love my wife more. d. If my wife wants to discuss business do it in a way that shows I care but I am not scared. Treat it like an adult in a business transaction and do not mention how I feel. 5. Work on detachment for my own sanity. Get a life as much as possible with the kind of job I have. “Act as if” whenever I can with my wife and in-laws.
Broad Goals:
1. Stay married. 2. Restore trust. 3. Be happy. 4. Be intimate.
Refined Goals:
1. Stay married a. My wife will not file divorce papers b. My wife will stop talking about divorce c. My wife will start thinking of me in future plans d. My wife will leave her boyfriend e. We will start spending time together again 2. Restore trust a. My wife will leave her boyfriend b. I will not snoop c. We will talk openly and honestly about our needs and wants without judgment or anger d. We will respect each other and be each other’s cheerleaders 3. Be happy a. We will discuss our relationship in a healthy manner and learn from our mistakes b. We will spend as much time together as possible and talk on the phone the rest of the time like we used to c. We will do activities together and be willing to “give” to other by doing activities we may not be all that interested in d. We will smile when we see each other 4. Be intimate a. My wife will allow any physical contact b. My wife will allow hugs and/or holding hands c. We will kiss and do it often d. I will display non-sexual loving touch whenever I possibly can e. We will make love, not just have sex f. We will be monogamous
Techniques:
1. Last resort technique a. I have to practice this properly and only contact my wife if ABSOLUTELY necessary. b. Take care of myself and build a support group outside of family. c. If asking to visit pets, only ask once. d. Do not pursue in any way. e. Do not snoop. 2. 180 a. If my wife brings up the finances or the house and living situation set boundaries. i. What are her ideas on the house? What are her ideas about the bills? Show that I value her opinion and I am really listening to her input ii. I don’t mind her staying in the house but I do want to visit the animals iii. She can move out and I keep the house b. Do not get pulled into relationship talks about feelings, just validate her feelings if she expresses them. c. Continue to avoid anger at any and all costs. 3. Act as if a. Act as if my marriage will survive. b. Act as if I am the only man for my wife. c. Act happy and confident – especially around my wife and in-laws. 4. Easier done than said a. Do not explain myself or my actions that are positive. b. Apologize and take responsibility for anything that warrants it, otherwise, just validate. c. If in the house, do the small chores that I didn’t do before. d. If I am around my wife make small, nice gestures without expectations.
First Signs:
1. No filed divorce papers. 2. No divorce talk. 3. She will initiate contact. 4. We will have a “normal” conversation, such as “how was your day” or “how are you doing” kind of talk. 5. She will want to see me face-to-face. 6. She will allow any physical contact.
