EGAD! So the talk never happened. It's is on the table for tonight. I guess I misread what she wanted to talk about. It's not a BIG relationship talk...more like a "talk to take stock of where we are." I hope it will be positive. I'm trying to be.
We had our Daycare's holiday party last night. We took a nice family photo in front of the tree. She suggested this. Actually, the photo turned out really well and she put her arm around my waist for the photo. Then I left to take our youngest home and she stayed with our oldest. Before I left she gave me a nice kiss...more than a peck on the lips. I was kinda stunned. I'm not going to read into it, but just enjoy it. Of course this could've been for show. Anywho. Baby Steps, baby steps.
Every day, I try to write down 2 or 3 positive things that W did with/for me today even if their small. I think I need to keep the idea that she cares for me and is a good person.
Also, today I did something new. Normally we all leave the house together as a family with one of use taking the kids to DC and the other going to work. We usually wait until everyone is ready (mostly its my W because she is chronically late). But this morning, while she was drying her hair I packed up the kids and their stuff. I told her we were leaving and left. it served 2 purposes. 1 I'm tired of waiting for her and 2) it prevented me from starting a fight with her this am.
We'll see.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
I forgot to add. Now I just really, really want to call her, text her and/or invite her to lunch. I know I shouldn't and am not, but the feeling is hard to ignore.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
Every day, I try to write down 2 or 3 positive things that W did with/for me today even if their small. I think I need to keep the idea that she cares for me and is a good person.
You need to stop focusing on her Harrier. I know this is tough but really you are not going to be able to DB effectively if you are watching her and hoping and wishing.
How about writing down things you do for you. GAL goals.
And don't call her for lunch that is pursuing.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
You know. Considering the "success" rate of DBing on here. I'd say that following it to the letter is about as effective as doing nothing. I'm sorry I don't need to focus on me. I am very secure in who I am. I don't need to write down good things about me…. I do them. I dont need to write about GAL because im too busy doing that. The point about the notes was NOT to put any focus on her. It is for ME. Because if we get through this, I'm going to need some perspective on the process.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
You can't judge the success rate of DBing based on this forum. The people that post on this forum are a small sample of the the people that use the techniques and most of those that are successful probably stop posting, anyway.
You know. Considering the "success" rate of DBing on here. I'd say that following it to the letter is about as effective as doing nothing. I'm sorry I don't need to focus on me. I am very secure in who I am. I don't need to write down good things about me…. I do them. I dont need to write about GAL because im too busy doing that. The point about the notes was NOT to put any focus on her. It is for ME. Because if we get through this, I'm going to need some perspective on the process.
It sounds to me like you are too smart for the rest of us and have 'graduated.' Congratulations!!!
Harrier, I think you are a very intelligent person, and could use DB wisely. There are some things which work here, and some things that don't depending on your situation. First of all, the pursuing thing: what does it mean? When my H first dropped the bomb (same story as yours, EA, confused on whether he wanted to leave or not) I did all the pursuing, said ILY so much, bent over backward, tried to prove my love. He himself told me that it pressured him, made him feel he had to resciprocate when he did not feel like it, clouded his mind with guilt to the point that he could not figure out himself all the more. So DB was right. However, when i backed off too much on the other hand, detached too much, it sort of made him turn more to OW because he needed the closeness, and also, it hurt me too much that I could not function. My instinct told me that he needed some closeness, but not too much to suffocate him. I found what I think was the right mix.I have seen this kind of advice too in some other people here.
If you feel that your W welcomes your company, I would say go for it, just be careful not to suffocate her, remember she appreciates the space (exactly what my H asked me for as well).
The detachment: We need to detach so that we do not react to every thing said and done by our spouses, or else we will be such a wreck. It allows your intelligent, sane mind to control your anger, your misery. It allows you to step back and assess each situation, to be careful of what you say.
No matter how unfair it is, remember that your spouse is not thinking normally at this point,is very confused, and it behooves you to be the one to make a choice on whether you want to save your M or not.
Like you, I made my changes a year before my H even dropped the bomb, but it came nonetheless. I guess the changes were not enough. But I am glad I found DB because if not, maybe I would have given up a long time ago. DB not only kept things from going crazy, but is keeping me in the M as well, teaching me patience, and leading me to search my soul.
There are many other resources out there to look at,to read, but many seem to say the same thing.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Damn True, you were 100000% right. I was focusing on my wife and it got me in trouble big time. Today, I was driving by the office where the OM works to see if my W's car was there. Well she "caught" me and insisted I was following her. I wasn't.That spawned a R discusion. Here is what came out of it.
1. W decided to cut off contact with the OM completely. Not I never once asked her to. She said she need to do it for her because it was clouding the issues. 2. She admitted that she "f"'ed up as much as I did. 3. W decided that we needed to go into couples therapy and made an appointment for us right in front of me. 4. W said that she wanted to work on saving our M. I said I did too. So we are on the same page. 5. She also said that she still loves me.
BUT, and it's a big one 6. She wants a temp physical separation in order to accomplish 3.
As you can guess, I'm not thrilled about living apart. But the investment night be worth it. She agreed that as part of the separation we'd have dinner as a family a couple nights a week. I think we should also have a night for us every couple of weeks, but that's pushing it now. and We have to layout ground rules.
I guess I will go along and use the DB principles.
Oh Poooo.
I'm not smarter just frustrated. Now some might call this a "success" story. I mean it was only 4 weeks ago that W wanted a divorce and was sending raunchy emails to the OM in her EA.
it won't be a success until we are back to living together as a family and happy with a future.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
