Working on acceptance and forgiveness

[AntoniaB]

Well, that is a consideration for most, but in our case we already have a SA filed and there is no hearing or anything with the divorce--at this point other than carrying out the financial stuff with a laywer that he is hiring, the assets are all distributed and anything he gives me is his own doing that can't be used against me because he signed the SA a few months ago.

So I emailed him today to tell him it was nice to have a civil conversation with him, the most "normal" conversation we'd had in 6 months, and to say that if he felt in any way that I had "guilted" him into giving me the money that he should keep it, that I didn't want to manipulate or control him.

He replied that he already sent the check and he didn't know if he did it out of guilt or not, that he didn't "care", because he "just wanted me and the cats to have a good Christmas."

Then he also wrote this:

"It was good to talk to you in a civil manner as well. You have every right to be angry at me and I don't expect you to be completely honest with me (I don't have a right to that anymore) but I'm not sure we can exist in a world where we pretend the other doesn't exist. I would say more about this but I don't want to upset you. Let's just say the the subject of having contact with you has been discussed and is considered acceptable and understandable. I can't promise it will stay that way (humans are jealous creatures, myself included) but, of course, if it's bad for you than by all means do what is best for yourself."

See I've felt all along that he wants to stay best friends with me, and I've said for a long time that this can't work, so I've pushed him away. And this admission from him above makes me think I've been right about that. I find it interesting that he says that he can't promise he can STAY in contact with me because "humans are jealous creatures." I think the one thing that the OW is not prepared for is the level of friendship that he and I have, and if I am in a position at some point where I can be friends with him (I don't think I'm there yet) she is not going to like it. She just won't. There is too much history there, and we were each other's very BEST friend for nearly 23 years. That bond is STILL not broken--we're just ignoring it right now.

So I don't know what to think of all this or how to proceed. I guess I just keep doing what seems natural or right while figuring my main goal is protecting myself.

[AntoniaB]

We had more emails on this issue of contact and he has made it clear that he misses the contact with me, that he thinks of me "fairly often", and that he wants to have more regular contact until or unless it makes the OW jealous, at which point I guess he is suggesting he wouldn't. He said that HE gets jealous when people mention her ex to him or when her ex comes up in conversation, and that he also does not want to hear anything about any future relationship that I have with any man. He said that SHE doesn't want to even know what kind of contact he has with me or know about it, just that she "accepts" and "understands" that he doesn't want to be totally cut off. He says she is "more empathetic over what they did to me than I'll ever know." (that one I do not believe AT ALL but he insists it's true).

So here are the things that concern me:

1. Months ago he said contact with me was turning me into the OW so he didn't want it. Now, it's not?

2. Is this cake-eating or is it me accepting that I can't have him as a husband so at least I can have him as a distant friend?

3. How do I handle this situation?

I'm trying very hard to just do what feels "right" but I don't know what's right anymore. I haven't been upset by him in any interactions because he has agreed to not talk about her with me at all--in fact, he says that even though he feels it disrespects her, that OUT OF RESPECT FOR ME he will only refer to her as "her" or "she" in the rare instance that he "has" to mention her. Otherwise, it's like "don't ask, don't tell."

And he doesn't want to hear about any future relationships I have with men. Well, he's not in love with me, so why should he care? And get this, he actually said this to me: "I hope you can promise me (and yourself) that if you get in a relationship with someone, you do it because of true affection and not because of revenge or compensation."

Can you believe that?

So he wants to have his love relationship with her; he doesn't really want me in a relationship with someone else, because he's telling me that he thinks I'm in a revenge mode now; and he wants to rekindle our lost FRIENDSHIP as long as he keeps the details from her, AND he agrees to hide his life with her FROM me to keep from hurting me.

My main concern is my own mental health and happiness--not his--but I'm having a devil of a time trying to figure out what role I play in this drama. Or do I reject his olive branch of friendship and say "see ya"?

[AntoniaB]

I just read my own post and I feel like I have an answer to my own query. He says he wants contact unless it makes her jealous--well let's say we have contact, then she becomes jealous, then won't I feel rejected again when he says no more contact? Hmm...something to ponder. I don't want to feel rejected AGAIN.

[AntoniaB]

Today I got a check for 1000 from him in the mail along with a note that says "Please buy the kitties something nice for Christmas. Take Care." I cried. I don't think of someone in MLC doing this--I don't know why he is suddenly being so thoughtful and nice. He knows that even if I buy the cats some treats/toys, that's not costing anywhere near this much money. That money is for me/the house. I mean, he always made a big deal about buying me Christmas gifts. Maybe he doesn't know what to do with himself now that we're not together. But this is all so complicated. I can see him definitely reaching here for a friendship and connection but I don't know what to do about it. I reread Michele's book and I don't really see this scenario coming up--the "he wants to be friends/closer but he won't drop the OW because he no longer sees OW as an affair partner but as a legitimate girlfried/relationship/life choice that was destined/supposed to happen for him."

Advice?

[AntoniaB]

Well a few days have gone by and I've realized something--a pattern. H contacts me typically the same time each week, and it appears to be a time when he isn't with her. I will know he is "alone" with the guy he lives with because he'll offer details, like "I'm folding laundry" or something. I am thinking that this friendship he reaches for is only when he isn't engaged with her. So this is seeming more like cake-eating now than it did days ago.

I also spent about 48 hours obsessively thinking about him/us/what to do after I got this contact from him Monday night. And just because I wasn't UPSET by it, I was justifying that it was all ok. Well, no, it's not ok. I don't need him anymore--so I shouldn't be spending that much time thinking about him. I don't think about anyone else in my life that obsessively. So his contact triggered me personally being wrapped up in thoughts of him again, and that's not good for me.

So, detach, detach, detach. His friendship solution just isn't going to work for me.

In other news, in the past 24 hours, I have started to feel stirrings of "I'm done." No lie, I've started to think I'm throwing in the towel. I thought about changing my fb status to "looking for men" and "separated" (to be changed to "divorced" in a few weeks when it is final). Right now all that stuff is blank. I've started thinking about going out to the "right" places to just meet people. I do NOT want a serious relationship, but it might be nice to go out with someone here and there casually. I'm tired of pining or thinking that he'll come back. I don't believe it any more, and even if he did, he still is justifying that he's done the right thing. He still acts like this rel. with the OW was "meant to be" and has been "the right thing to do" even though he feels guilty for hurting me. Maybe that will change, but I'm thinking it won't. And if she betrays him and he chooses me by default, well, I don't want to be with him for THAT reason anymore. It's not good enough for me.

I am thinking that my feelings today are not "settled" and that this, like every other stage, is something that we go in and out of before we really "mean" it. But I have to be honest, I do feel this way today and I never have felt this way before.

So for now I'm not doing anything or acting on those feelings (not changing the fb status) but it's in the back of my mind...

[kissak]

It is so hard to NOT think about them everyday isnt it, especially when they contact us.

I have many times had thoughts that Im done and ready to move on, but those thoughts leave about as quick as they come.

Glad that you are beginning to have those feelings of letting go and being done. I cant wait to get there and stay there. I cant wait to get to a point where I dont wake up and think about my H first thing. Its depressing to me to be that addicted to him.

Have a good weekend!

[kissak]

OH, I read back further in your posts, my H gave me money today too, he knows iM having a hard time and wants to help. He wants to be friends too. Its so hard to figure out to be just friends after being married.

[ericmsant2]

Antonia,

This is probably one of the hardest response to a post I have written, especially given where I find myself TODAY.

I take it you have seen my FB status, so I trust that you will understand.

Actually, now that I think about it…I’m gonna ask you one question (thank you to a good friend of mine)

IF your H called you today and told you that he left OW, realized that he made the biggest mistake of his life and wanted to work things out. What would YOU say TODAY?

Please do not answer me. The answer is really for YOURSELF.

The answer to this questions….will help answer some of the other questions you have.

In closing I leave you with this…..

Make sure this is for YOU.

Eric

[Truegritter]

And just because I wasn't UPSET by it, I was justifying that it was all ok. Well, no, it's not ok. I don't need him anymore--so I shouldn't be spending that much time thinking about him. I don't think about anyone else in my life that obsessively. So his contact triggered me personally being wrapped up in thoughts of him again, and that's not good for me.

This is part of the process Antonia. Another level of detachment. If you care to read my threads you will see I went through that too. Everyone does.

It is ok and healthy IMO. You start to really look at your spouse with clear eyes and ask "WTF am I doing?"

Know this. It is STILL a reaction. You are now not focused on them coming back at any cost. You are asking healthy questions about what YOU want in a relationship.

There is a little frustration a little anger.

The journey is not over yet for you I might suggest. Can you do this without regret?

Without it being a reaction to what H did or did not do?

When it is for YOU, you are free from that emotion.

You are moving through this. Trust yourself. Trust this process.

[AntoniaB]

I got you, Eric. That question really makes a difference. Maybe I want to be done but I'm not ;-) Thanks kissak and truegritter for the responses. I think I'll go back and read your thread TG. Have a nice weekend everyone.