Still needing some encouragement

[kissak]

Im working on it Eric. I really am. I have had lots of time to dig lately. Been doing just that.

I think by having sex with him makes me still feel like he wants me. In one way or another. I want to feel this because I do not like rejection. I think that has been it all along.

Now yesterday we talked, and I will say we have really just kept it about the kids this week. BUt even when he does text me, its almost as if I get my fix. I feel better for just a bit. Im not sure why I feel that way.

And as far as this other guy. That is purely just someone to talk to that understands where I have been in some way. We are just friends, there really isnt any romantic spark for me there.

Im digging, little by little. Its seems at some moments I get it, I really do. Honestly this week when I have started getting down and dwelling on it too much of how I miss him, I just remind myself of all the OW he was with....then that reminds me that I dont need to be with him or really want to. Then I quickly find something else to do.

I feel like Im a little wishy washy sometimes when I journal here. I think its just my heart and my head fighting over this whole thing. The heart wants one thing, my head is telling me another. I feel like I should listen to my head. The heart can be a deceitful thing. In other words, I know what I should be doing, but my broken heart wont let me......

Still diggin....

[ericmsant2]

Kissak

I want to feel this because I do not like rejection. I think that has been it all along.

No one likes rejection. Once you accept these feeling though….you should use the time to figure out why you feel this way to better understand yourself.

I just remind myself of all the OW he was with....then that reminds me that I dont need to be with him or really want to.

OW should not be the reason (FTR, I think I’m talking to myself here as well) that you realize that YOU do not NEED or WANT him. I believe that the reasons you do not need or want him, come when you understand who you really are and what YOU really need in your life. Until you come to grips with YOUR needs and WANTS i.e. acceptance of YOU – you may continue to struggle (and FTR, believe it or not – some of this I still struggle with – so please cut yourself some slack).

In other words, I know what I should be doing, but my broken heart wont let me......

TIME Kissak….time.

Still diggin

Okay….here goes……whisssshhhh…..I just passed you my shovel – dig Kissak but not at the expense of driving yourself mad. Oh, the shovel I passed is pink with a purple handle

Eric

[AntoniaB]

I just honed in on your comment about getting your "fix". I think this is one of the hardest things for me to break with my H and I'm all but broken but I see it come back from time to time. Many of my friends, family have said I was addicted to him, and that even bad contact was still contact (like even a bad high was still a high). It has taken a long time for me to feel I am mostly over this addiction--and I guess for me I have broken the addiction by substituting with other things that make me happy--friends, family, hobbies, finding more joy in my job or day to day living. Because before, HE was entirely responsible for my happiness. That's why even when HE stopped making me happy, I clung to him and needed that "fix" of his attention on me, no matter if it was good or bad, it was still attention.

I think if you are still feeling that you need this fix, rest assured that with enough time and detachment, it will start to lessen. I'm not saying I have this "down" myself yet, but I'm less addicted to him by far now than before, and it's because I've found other things to fixate on. Good luck.

[kissak]

Thank you Antonia....I understand exactly what you are saying. I guess with time that will pass.

Eric...thank you for my shovel....but I already have one that color!! My son got a hold of the spray paint one day....I have a very colorful collection of garden tools! lol

I have to say even though my H does have issues with faithfulness, he is still a good person. I have to be thankful for that. He just stopped by a little while ago and gave me $20.(I really wasnt prepared to see him, it doesnt help me detach much) He went and ate lunch with our son today and saw that I gave him lunch money (a bunch of silver change in a ziploc bag). He felt bad and also I found out my daughter mentioned that the banks had been calling me. Hard times finanically the last couple of months....He wants to help me. He has always offered to help me if he is able and if I need it, but I never feel good about asking. Im not one that asks for money from people. I find ways to make it, and depend on God to provide for my needs. Still, it is a blessing that he will help me and I am thankful for that. He offered me more money when he gets his check. He already pays about $200 more a month child support than he has too. God will always provide for our needs.

[ericmsant2]

God will always provide for our needs.

Amen!

[Albuquerque]

Kissak,

It is quite hard to detach when H is still around a lot. But it IS possible. The most important thing is to NOT focus on H. You MUST focus on you. You must become your own "whole" person. I think right now, you still "need" to have someone there to make you feel whole. This is unhealthy because our happiness and feeling of "wholeness" has to come from us. The psychology crowd calls this differentiation. I tried to find a good link to explain it, and found a fairly good one. I hope the link works. It is written (I guess) for an audience of therapists because at the end, it talks about client/patient relationships, but the bulk of the article is really good.
Differentiation

My H was around a lot because of D and it makes it hard to detach. Take advantage of the days apart and use them to focus hard on yourself. I know you know this, it just always sounds easier than it really is. But it makes all the difference.

[kissak]

Thanks A...I will check the link out. Anything to help me right now is appreciated.

This weekend was the hardest yet. Still cant get it out of my mind.

I decided to take my kids to an event in town that we had never been to before. Something different to keep my mind off of H. We had only been there about 5 minutes. There was probably about 100 people or more there. Out of the corner of my eye I see someone familar. It was my H. With a date. With some little skanky lady that looked to be about 45 or 50. He didnt see us, but my daughter decided to text him and say that she sees him. Her and my son both wanted to know who he was with. I was in shock. Why would he be there of all places? He never goes to stuff like that and this was like a family event...it was a christmas tree lighting for the town. Ugh~ anyway, I had to turn and walk away where I couldnt see him, what I saw was enough to be burned into my brain for eternity. My daughter decided to walk over and say Hi to him, my son was mad and didnt want to see him. Even called his dad a punk...anyway, my daugher was over there long enough that I texted her and she didnt answer, so I texted him and asked him to please send our daughter back over to me. Then I couldnt help myself....Im sorry, but it came out...I texted him and told him he could do better. I know, bad idea...but I felt better

SO, I left early, couldnt stand it much longer. My daughter and my neice who was also with us said this woman was old, had wrinkles and a double chin. They were grossed out by her (teenage girls words).

So, I didnt hear from him at all on Saturday. First time in years that he has gone a whole day without contacting me. It hurt. But I managed to stay busy enough that I didnt think about it too much. Yesterday was about the same. He texted me to tell me that morning that he had left a newspaper on my front doorstep, I just said thanks, then he asked if I had found other...I opened the paper and there was $60 in it. I just told him thank you and that he didnt have to do that. He said he knew that.

I really dont know how to handle this now. I was not expecting him to be where I was and to have to see that. I was NOT prepared. THats the first time I have ever seen him with another woman other than the one time I saw him begging the first OW back and then I was only driving by.

Now, Im sure this is a lady he works with. Im sure she is the one who he called "phil" and rushed off one night while still at home to go help "him" move a washing machine. Still makes me mad. BUT if she is the type to know she was fooling around with a married man, good luck to her. Im sure when he is bored with her, he will move on to cheating on her. UGH~

Got some anger still in me today...trying to get it all out here so I can let go of it. Im sorry that I threw my H out that day without confronting him to his face about all of the stuff he did. I wish I had had it out with him right then. Now its stuck in my head...I just have soo much I would love to say to him! Im gonna have to say it on here, just to get it out!! Im so angry and hurt. Im angry at myself to that I just cant seem to let go of this!

Thanks for any listening ears today. The rest of my weekend was pretty good. I did spend alot of time with my kids. We went to a parade and a few bday parties....I love them.

I want to tell all of you what made my night though after seeing my H with that OW...other than the fact she was unattractive, my son made this comment "mom, we should be happy for daddy" I asked why he thought that...he replyed "at least he can find a girl that WANTS to date him". I had to laugh.

Pray for me friends. Trying to find a way to just let this all go. I think of how other people have hurt me in the past, and how i Have been able to let it go and not think of it. I hope to get to that place soon. I hope to be able to accept that my H is gonna date OW. I threw him out. I cant expect him to not date. Its just not easy to see and think about.

[kissak]

On a good note! I lost 3 pounds last week. Something about this whole things makes it easier to diet....Gives me something worth while to focus on....11 more pounds to meet my goal!!

[Mila]

Hi Kissak....sweetie, this is though isn't it, what can I say that would help you through this...not much accept to listen and offer moral support. When you get really down just remember what it was like when he was at home and would you want that back....

What helps me sometimes is to think that this is what we both must do...the universe is teaching us a lesson....my H has things to learn and so do I....and what we must learn we can't learn by being together, we must do that apart. Once we have learned those lessons, maybe then we could find our way back to each other.

Yeah the weight loss is a MLC perk, isn't it (insert sarcastic smirk)...but seriously, if loosing weight is what you want, it is a good thing...it will help you with your confidence and feeling good about yourself....you see everything has a positive side

[kissak]

Yes it does, Thank you Mila...I wont complain about the 70 pounds Ive lost and managed to keep off over the past 4 years

Had a weird conversation by text this morning. He sent me a picture text. It was of a duck singing then it flashes the words I miss you up on it. Well, that surprised me. I said what I felt at the moment, which I should know better. Said "miss u 2". Well, I do some. Its the truth. Well, I guess he didnt know the pic had the words up there that said that, because he texted back "what r u talking about". So quickly I said, sorry, I misunderstood. Felt like a dummy after that. He even called and wanted to know what I meant. I just said that I was sorry but his text said it and I just said it back. I need to learn to keep my feelings to myself when it comes to him, because talking to him about it isnt a good thing and I always feel awful afterwards because I know I will never hear what I want. Anyway, He texted back that he missed me 2 some. Ok, could have went without the some part. BUt it really just hit something in me. That one little word kinda made me realize something. He isnt worth me wasting my thoughts on anymore~