I don't think anything you did or didn't do changed anything, if that helps at all. I would have been surprised if this had not happened. It's so consistent that you can almost count on it. Hence my reluctance to throw a party yesterday.
It's about her, really. She is unsure of herself. I don't think she really knows what she wants, and that's going to be the case for a while. Yesterday, she thought you were "the answer". Today, she doesn't know.
What you do know is that what you were doing was working. So more of that, consistently, seems to be the answer. You are in for a long haul.
It won't be a linear process. I believe it was coach who likened it to trying to pet a feral cat. You move in, they move away. They move in, you cautiously approach again. They get anxious again and you have to back off. It's just not going to be linear.
I am trying to take all the info I can in on these boards. This non-linear process is something I have to keep in mind since I am a linear/logical person most of the time.
saffie, it looks like you suceeded with DBing. If you'd take a look at my thread and I’d appreciate it.
For the books, I wouldn't worry about her feeling that they are pursuit. The books are for you and not for her. If she ever asks, then tell her just that. They are for you and to help you in your relationships. Pursuit is when you buy the books and give them to her saying "here read these".
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
She asked me to go shopping with her this morning and we spent a couple of hours purchasing stuff for her apartment. It has only been a month and she is still getting settled.
She was pleasant enough, but different from the day before. I asked her how she was feeling and if she had anything to add to our discussion? She told me that she became very anxious after she left; that our talk reminded her of how things were between us before; and that she had to take a tranquilizer to calm herself down. She went on to tell me that she was confused and really didn't know what she wanted.
I told her that was fine; that she should take her time and be more comfortable with her decision; that as long as she wasn't dating other men, I'd be there for her.
Then she told me that she wasn't dating and hadn't been for a long time. "What about last weekend" I interjected. Then she went on to concoct a new story about spending the night at a girlfriend's house (after having freely admitted that she had been with OM last weekend).
So, I reminded her of my boundaries and made it very clear that I could not continue in our relationship if she was dating OP. I went on to say that her dishonesty was harming our friendship and she needed to make a choice. Either we are working on our marriage and not dating OP or we are living separate lives however we choose. I said that we could maintain our friendship, no matter what choice she made. But, "I need clarity, so I can get on with my life, one way or the other."
That's when she said, "are those my only options." Honestly, I couldn't think of any other options. So, I asked her if she had some ideas? Perhaps I missed something? "No" she said; then she asked me what I wanted? "To work on our marriage, of course," which is about the time that I started to break down.
She never gave me an answer. I left with a back rub and the feeling that I'd blown a whole month's worth of DBing.
I miss having her in my life. Sometimes I still don't accept that this is happening to us.
When you fall, you get back up again. Right now your W is confused and she needs an anchor to reach out for. Be that anchor.
"I told her that was fine; that she should take her time and be more comfortable with her decision; that as long as she wasn't dating other men, I'd be there for her."
Wrong thing to say. Let's face it, you aren't going to be there for her. It's unrealistic. It makes it sound like you're waiting around for her which negates your GAL and showing her that you can live without her.
"I said that we could maintain our friendship, no matter what choice she made."
Another wrong thing to say. Let's face it, your new GF or W isn't going to want you to be friends with her. It's the way it is. Stop mentioning that you're going to be there for her. Deep down inside she knows. You don't need to 'prove' anything to her.
Right now your W is confused and she needs an anchor to reach out for. Be that anchor. When she sees her life spiraling out of control, she's going to want to reach out for the one strong thing left standing. Let that be you. But you aren't waiting for her.
How long has she been on meds? That could be contributing to her fuzzy thinking.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
How long has she been on meds? That could be contributing to her fuzzy thinking.
About two months. She is taking Prozac for her depression, but not in any consistent dosage, skipping days and what not. Her mood can swing quite a bit from day to day. I didn't know about the tranquilizers until today.
Thanks you for your positive words MrBond, but I was feeling more anchor-like before this latest ride.
You've answered a question that I've had for a while; it seems that many of the LBS posters are not dating. I was wondering if that was part of the DB program. I don't think I want to go, too long, without companionship.
