Okay, here's my opinion which will probably be unpopular, too. Your wife has serious issues and if she does not resolve them she will never be capable of having an honest, healthy, relationship with anyone. Nothing you can do will resolve that. The best you can do is try to mitigate damage in order to stay married in the hopes that she will get the help she needs. But if she doesn't get help - she will remain toxic to herself and others no matter what you do.
Granted, my opinion is based on my own limited knowledge and the info you have provided here. However, I do think that we often make the mistake of thinking that because we are not perfect, the breakdown in the marriage is primarily our fault and that if we can fix our own relatively minor issues we can save our marriage. Let's face it, though. When a WAS's issues are so large, fixing our own "normal" relationship issues is not going to solve the larger problem.
Sorry for the negative viewpoint. I know your heart is breaking.
