Working on acceptance and forgiveness

[AntoniaB]

Well a few days have gone by and I've realized something--a pattern. H contacts me typically the same time each week, and it appears to be a time when he isn't with her. I will know he is "alone" with the guy he lives with because he'll offer details, like "I'm folding laundry" or something. I am thinking that this friendship he reaches for is only when he isn't engaged with her. So this is seeming more like cake-eating now than it did days ago.

I also spent about 48 hours obsessively thinking about him/us/what to do after I got this contact from him Monday night. And just because I wasn't UPSET by it, I was justifying that it was all ok. Well, no, it's not ok. I don't need him anymore--so I shouldn't be spending that much time thinking about him. I don't think about anyone else in my life that obsessively. So his contact triggered me personally being wrapped up in thoughts of him again, and that's not good for me.

So, detach, detach, detach. His friendship solution just isn't going to work for me.

In other news, in the past 24 hours, I have started to feel stirrings of "I'm done." No lie, I've started to think I'm throwing in the towel. I thought about changing my fb status to "looking for men" and "separated" (to be changed to "divorced" in a few weeks when it is final). Right now all that stuff is blank. I've started thinking about going out to the "right" places to just meet people. I do NOT want a serious relationship, but it might be nice to go out with someone here and there casually. I'm tired of pining or thinking that he'll come back. I don't believe it any more, and even if he did, he still is justifying that he's done the right thing. He still acts like this rel. with the OW was "meant to be" and has been "the right thing to do" even though he feels guilty for hurting me. Maybe that will change, but I'm thinking it won't. And if she betrays him and he chooses me by default, well, I don't want to be with him for THAT reason anymore. It's not good enough for me.

I am thinking that my feelings today are not "settled" and that this, like every other stage, is something that we go in and out of before we really "mean" it. But I have to be honest, I do feel this way today and I never have felt this way before.

So for now I'm not doing anything or acting on those feelings (not changing the fb status) but it's in the back of my mind...