You are living in an Open Marriage. Is that what you want? (my assumption based on your post is that you do not) I am not judging, but I can tell you that I grant nobody the permission to have sex with my wife.
My first recommendation is to read RobX posts and rehearse in front of a mirror.
Net/net you need to pull a complete 180 for you - write down all of your common behaviors and immediately initiate the opposite:
* I send SMS messages to my wife complementing her or telling her I 'love' her. --- stop sending SMS
* When she calls and asks me to do something I drop what I am doing and answer the phone --- stop answering the phone
* You buy the groceries --- stop grocery shopping
* You initiate conversations --- let her pick every conversation, meet your conversational needs somewhere else
I recommend reading a bunch of RobX posts and letting it sink in. You can do the above and have the conversation he mentions (must do!) if you overcome your fear. The Fear of 'losing' your wife; once you accept that you already 'lost' her then the conversation should be easy.
