Still needing some encouragement

[kissak]

Im working on it Eric. I really am. I have had lots of time to dig lately. Been doing just that.

I think by having sex with him makes me still feel like he wants me. In one way or another. I want to feel this because I do not like rejection. I think that has been it all along.

Now yesterday we talked, and I will say we have really just kept it about the kids this week. BUt even when he does text me, its almost as if I get my fix. I feel better for just a bit. Im not sure why I feel that way.

And as far as this other guy. That is purely just someone to talk to that understands where I have been in some way. We are just friends, there really isnt any romantic spark for me there.

Im digging, little by little. Its seems at some moments I get it, I really do. Honestly this week when I have started getting down and dwelling on it too much of how I miss him, I just remind myself of all the OW he was with....then that reminds me that I dont need to be with him or really want to. Then I quickly find something else to do.

I feel like Im a little wishy washy sometimes when I journal here. I think its just my heart and my head fighting over this whole thing. The heart wants one thing, my head is telling me another. I feel like I should listen to my head. The heart can be a deceitful thing. In other words, I know what I should be doing, but my broken heart wont let me......

Still diggin....