Can't Believe It Happened When It Did!!!

[Sad_but_happy]

OK, lots has happened just today... Thanks for all that are helping me on this journey.

MrBond, I tried to be enigmatic last Saturday. Went out for 3 hours and she stated, "if you're seeing someone else, then I need to know so I can do the same." I actually went to the movies. Was actually fun going alone. I did ask W tonight if she was still in contact with OM. She swore on our children that she is not.

Bworl, I know that she has done lots of damage in this relationship. She would not provind me with my LL and at times put me down. Also, nothing was ever good enough. She has a big home, designer cloths, more then 10 Coach bags, Gucci, etc. And even with all this she would say that I, "don't make that much money" and point out what all her friends have. So yea she did a lot of damage too. I would come home all excited to see her even after 15 years together and she would say, "I didn't miss you". So She is to blame too.

But someone on this board said something I will never forget. They said, "the person that cares the least has the most control." Truer words were never spoken.

Now to todays events...

1. I came home after IC and my W and I spoke. She said that it would take time for us to get our feelings back and we need to go slow. I validated and agreed. She then said that I hurt her deeply every time I told her that we are "different people" and that we were "married to young". I told her that I was wrong to say that and told her I would never say again. I then shared with her how she hurt me and she agreed she was wrong. So I thing thats good communication.

2. When I went upstairs to change she was wearing some tight Hello Kitty boy shorts (underware). Needless to say thay were very tight. She said, "how do they look" and I said very nice. I wount tell you the outline I saw but I think you can fill in the blanks... Tease? Test?

3. I was ironing my shirts and she asked if I would help her out and do her pants as well which I did. Test? Taking advantage of me?

4. I told her at dinner that I couldn't find my good watch. When I came upstairs it was on my bed. Seems like a nice gesture.

What do you all make of these things? As always I was pleasent and kind and up beat when I got home.

[Sad_but_happy]

Oh I also told W that if I find out she is still seeing OM Then she will need to leave the home. If she refuses to leave the home and still sees OM, I will file for divorce.

Not a threat, a boundry. I will not be disrespected and I WILL NOT:

Pay for the car that takes her to him
Pay for the phone that calls him
Pay for the internet that emails him
Pays for the cell that texts him
Pay for the thongs that if it continued HE gets to see

NOPE, NEVER, NO WAY!!! If HE wants her the HE can pay for her.

If he's in she's out! And then she can make her own way in the world. She can work full time for the first time in her life. If I sound hard headed, I am. On this non-negotiable subjets only...

[Sad_but_happy]

Thanks Tom,
It's crazy that W has the EA and I am the one trying to keep it together. This is an odd experiance but one I think I will win.

At some point I will need to deal with the anger I feel for her cheating and lettng it happen but strangly I can wait.

[dbmod]

Hi Sad,

You have a strong pushmepullyou dynamic.

They said, "the person that cares the least has the most control." Truer words were never spoken.

Actually, MUCH truer words were spoken:

If you could only love enough, you could be the most powerful person in the world.--Emmett Fox

Now let's get even more real and more personal with some of Bill's:

Oh, and the comment about not tolerating an affair? I smell what you're smoking. But I've also been around these parts for a few years and can tell you that reality is not as simple as we think. Affairs can be survived and healed.



A lot of this is up to you.

and in reverse order:

Hard work. Are you up to it?



Now what do YOU think would bring more love into your marriage?

[Sad_but_happy]

Good question db... I think I need to listen more. I'm to logical and not enough emotional. Always trying to reason, to fix. That HAS changed. I listen way more then I ever did in the past.

You nailed it on the push-pull. I HAVE been pushing. Now that I know more about what women need and I will put it into action. And when we are both pulling life will be beautiful. Gotta be patient though and that's difficult for me but I think I'm doing a good job.

I no longer want to be right! I want to be happy.

[Sad_but_happy]

Pursuing W without W realizing can work...

Last night I give W a back massage for about 30 minutes. I have to admit I'm slightly manipulative. I knew she had a cold so I researched "cold healing massage" on Google and low and behold there are some techniques that are said to help heal a cold. Now I don't actually believe in that but hey, whatever gets me touching her and her feeling that I'm being thoughtful (which I was). This morning she even said it helped.

Good move, bad move?

[Sad_but_happy]

Does anyone have any advice? I'm kinda piecing cause she is choosing to stay even though she is unsure of her feelings.

Keep in mind that I have been reading this board for a while, read DR and trying to adhere to the tactics.

Since she has decided to try and make things work how should I proceed?

[tornadochaser]

Does anyone have any advice? I'm kinda piecing cause she is choosing to stay even though she is unsure of her feelings.

Keep in mind that I have been reading this board for a while, read DR and trying to adhere to the tactics.

Since she has decided to try and make things work how should I proceed?

You should stop doing what doesn't work. Stop bringing up 'if you're still in contact with the OM blah blah blah.' If you already set the boundary then be careful you are not harping on it and placing a spotlight on something that isn't exactly a positive.

What behaviors about yourself are you focused on changing where gaining a response from her is not the motive?

What exactly do you want from your wife and why are you seeking to motivate her to act in some certain way?

Since you asked I would highly recommend focusing on GAL and 180's and over time see what transpires.

[Sad_but_happy]

Thanks Tornado, here is what i want from her...

* I want her to feel remorse!
* I want her to realize the damage she is causing!
* I want her to understand how wrong she is!

All that said I know that she will not. At least not now. So I will go home tonight being upbeat and happy. I will 180 and GAL. And I will see where it takes me.

[Drew]

Thanks Tornado, here is what i want from her...

* I want her to ......
* I want her to ......
* I want her to ......