Sorry, I may not have internet access soon so I am trying to get as much this as I can right now. If anybody has suggestions on the text I proposed I'd love to hear it. I am at the very edge and though it doesn't appear my W actually filed the divorce papers legally she could at any time. Also, I tried posting the following in the WAS section but I am in dire need to have some insight so I can DB the most effective way.
"My wife complained that I saw her as a possession and nothing she ever did for me was good enough. I have come to terms that I was verbally abusive to my W even though I never had any intention of ever hurting her. I had rage problems and working on anger issues is something that I believe I will be doing for the rest of my life but I have made huge strides. I have gone to therapy because I was threatening suicide to get my W to talk to me and I am on anti-depressants. I’ve worked on a lot of things but now W doesn’t want to talk to me or be around me and doesn’t believe I’ve changed. She is dating somebody else and that is a real test of my anger management along with the divorce papers I got yesterday and the fact that she wiped our computer clean so I couldn’t get at any old photos or videos.
I have slipped up and done some subtle blaming (which she called me on) and I try to take solace in the fact that I am not denying it anymore. When I do not blame, when I ignore something that would make me angry, or when I simply validate her feelings without arguing it seems to make her even angrier at me. Can any of the WAW’s give me some clarity on this phenomenon?
The text is too much too soon. Actions will speak louder than words. She will likely see your words as hollow and too little too late. And right now it is too little, but you never know about too late. You need to embody the changes and consistently show them with actions and slowly over time they can have an impact. Additionally, a text is not very personal. Lastly, Dbmod suggested you go dark for a while…this is not dark at all.
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Shoot, I jumped the gun just a few minutes ago. Sent a similar text and I have no expectation of a response. She saw me in person a few weeks ago for tens minutes when I asked to see the dogs and that was the last face-to-face we’ve had since the beginning of Oct. I don’t know how she can see my changes through actions when I am out on the road for weeks at a time by myself. I have been going dark for weeks and weeks at a time.
After I hit the road again at the beginning of Oct. I asked to see the dogs because it had been a month, asked about a financial matter for our mortgage, and then asked to visit while I was home now…….very, very little contact of any kind and whenever I talk to her at all it is just ends up being, “do you want to sell the house?”, “I want to move when I have the money”, “I want a divorce”, etc. from her. I know texting isn’t personal but she won’t pick up the phone if I try to call (which I stopped doing long ago) and when I visit the pets she tells me when I can come over after she’s left the house and I have to let her know when I’ve left so she can return.
Also, as long as she has feelings for OM, there won't be feelings for you...
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
What if she said she didn't want to hear that she should be fully detached from me before being with another person because then she would be alone forever?
While I still have net access I wanted to get some feedback on a particular situation if possible.
A few weeks ago I was passing near my home while working at truck driving. It took 3 texts but my W finally agreed to bring our 2 dogs to a nearby truck stop. I gave her an estimated time when I’d be there and let her know when I was there. I waited a ˝ hr before she let me know she had dozed off by accident. I didn’t get angry and just waited for her. After 45 mins of waiting she got there. I was upbeat and asked her how she was doing and she said, “ok”. I asked to open the door to get the dogs and she was fine with it. She waited in the car while I visited with the dogs for 10 mins. I put them back in the car and told her I had to get going to make my delivery on time. She looked disappointed and apologized for being late. I said, “it’s alright, I appreciate it. Bye.” I closed the door and through the half open window said “see ya” in a forlorn voice.
Good sign or am I reading too much into it?
Thanks for all the feedback here. It is already making a difference having the support and I am going to try and get online while on the road to keep up with everything.
We're all on your side. I'd advise you to not be so apologetic or explanatory with your posts. There is no need to be sorry for posting multiple times...this is YOUR thread! Or, when you ask if you could get some feedback on a particualr situation "if possible", you sound moderately to almost heavily intimidated to even write a post, again on your own thread.
Reason I bring this up is, just ask what you want to ask and don't feel bad about it. I would only be surmising here, but this may have been a reason why your wife appears to have lost some attraction to you. I'm not saying this to beat you up, I'm saying this because I learned through my whole process not to be so apologetic with questions. It doesn't look strong. You have to own your thoughts. And, we're here to help, you're not putting anyone out. It's a thread too, not like a phone call to someone at 2:30 a.m. Seems like everyone who posts on this board does so because they love to pay it forward.
As far as your visit to her with the dogs, that does not at all sound like a good sign. Good for you for not getting mad at her visibly! But that doesn't change she was 45 minutes late, and that she "dozed off" when she was supposed to meet you. You are trying to squeeze out good signs and positives here when really, I think you were more or less duped out of 45 minutes with your dogs you had to text 3 times to get in the first place. I think what should pass for a good sign is not the cordial exchange you had with her...that's the least that adult human beings should do. What would have been a good sign was a reply from her on the first text with some enthusiasm for your ability to see the dogs, and her showing up even close to on time.
You deserve a higher standard than this, but you may not get it right now and you may have to accept that as reality. The only thing I don't want to see you do is think that cordial exchanges are good signs...for you personally deserve better treatment than what you got.
M-34 XW-32 D-7 Found OM's presence 4/09 Separated 12/09 Divorced 8/10 GREAT relationship as coparents since 8/10
Grocerykartman, thanks for that feedback. I understand what you mean about being too apologetic and I guess I have gone from one extreme to the other. I admit that I was rather controlling and angry for quite awhile with my W so now I have gone to the opposite end of the spectrum. I was afraid I was reading too much into the cordial exchange but I was very proud of myself for not getting angry – my kind of 180. If something like this happens again I will only ask once and if I get no answer I will let it go since I am realizing that me asking multiple times is too needy and she probably views it as pursuing behavior.
I'm not clear on the whole house thing. Is this your SHARED residence, the one you have lived in as a married couple? Is it still YOUR residence? Who is paying for the house?
The very first thing that I would have done, if it had been my house, would have been to remove every single item that belonged to the man who was having an affair with my wife while I was on the road.
I don't particularly care if your anger was an issue in the past or not. You mentioned yourself that being soft is NOT attractive to any woman. Allowing an affair partner to keep his things in YOUR home is way beyond issues of anger.
If she doesn't like that, she needs to get out in her own place. I know you think that is counterproductive, but I guarantee you that she is not going to come back to you when you have been a man who allowed her to do such a thing. And right in front of your face.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Here is something I am not proud of admitting…we got into swinging about 2 years ago after me pushing for it for awhile. She saw this as one last thing she could try to make me happy but she started to have an emotional affair with one guy and possibly another. She was swinging by herself most of the time even though I told her I wanted to do it together, i.e. we’re both in the room for a threesome or foursome but that rarely happened. She didn’t see the emotional side as being cheating and I became a huge snooper and trust was shot on both sides.
The house is a shared residence and right now we are both still paying for it. She has talked about moving out and getting rid of the animals if she needs to (which is huge b/c she is an animal lover and these are her kids) but I would be at the house at most 2 days every 2 weeks. Her mother told me she has a storage shed with a lot of her stuff in it and she is packing up some of my stuff. She keeps asking if we should sell the house and I told her once that I don’t want to.
She has complained that everything always had to be my way and nothing she ever did was good enough. I really don’t want to lose my pets either so I haven’t wanted her to move out and get rid of them since I can’t have them with my job. I figure that if I just start throwing this guys stuff out and show up at the house when I want (which I legally can do) then I might as well sign the papers b/c that is my old behavior.
Thanks for the advice Bill, let me know if this new info changes your thoughts or not.
