Still needing some encouragement

[kissak]

yes, but what i hate is that he will try again, even if he was with another woman. Thats who he is. Even back when I did give in he was with the woman he left me for, she was his "soulmate" and he cheated on her. Its like an endless cycle he is in. He will continue to hurt women like this. Whoever he was with last night, I feel sorry for her because IM sure it was some vulnerable woman who "needed" someone. Its a shame she will have to learn the hard way about how he is.

[kissak]

So, my H pretty much left me alone yesterday. He did send a few texts when he got off work. One was a pic of him on his job that he wanted me to show our kids, the others were about him telling me he had added me onto an account so that I would be able to talk to the satelitte people. And he wanted our D to leave a jacket of his in his vehicle. Then asked if I was still going to do an invoice that I do every month for him for a job he does. I just said yes. He did call twice and spoke to our kids. I didnt speak to him at all. Around 9:30 last night he texted me to say goodnite, I just didnt answer it. I was tired. Didnt feel like texting or talking to him at all.

Today, I havent heard from him at all. I guess a part of me is sad that he hasnt tried to talk. But I dont know if this is good for me or not. It hurts to know he has someone else he would rather talk to now. That Im not even worth the fight. NOT THAT IT MATTERS. I dont know what I am wanting. Im just tired of getting hurt. It seems it will never end. I cant be friends with him, expecting to hear from him all the time, then when he doesnt call or talk, I feel forgotten.

Does anyone understand me?

I did enjoy a nice walk last night with this guy that lives down my road. He is interested in dating me and he offered to help me find our childrens tent that flew away in the wind last night....so we were out looking in the fields with a flashlight...anyway, we didnt find it. We ended up walking for about an hour and talked about different things. Couldnt talk about much because my son was riding his bike with us....Im not really attracted to the guy physically, but he is nice and sweet. Dont know how I feel about it. Just getting to know him and making a new friend right now. I hate to say it, but it was a good distraction last night.

This also happens to be the guy that dated my H's first OW for a while last year. He is still trying to get over her. Its just weird.

[kissak]

3 texts...thats all I got from H yesterday. Initatied by me. Only about his invoices. He did call last night to talk to the kids. Then asked to speak to me. Kept it about kids basically and he asked if I had a spare key to his truck. Wants me to write down what kids clothes sizes are so he can shop for christmas...or rather give the sizes to his stepmom and let her shop for them. I would rather him give me the money and let me get what they need. I handled it well though. Ended the conversation myself.

He texted me this morning to tell the kids he loved them and good morning. I just said Ok, Good morning. Then he wished me a good day and I said thanks, u 2. Trying not to be uncivil to him even though Im hurting. Sometimes its easier to deal with him when I am angry.

Anyway...I need to find lots to keep me busy this weekend so I wont think about him being with someone else. I know he has his big holiday party for the Ems this saturday night. I want to stay so busy I dont think about what he is doing. Saturday will be easy because I my day is packed with things to do. Friday night however, I need to find something to do!!

Ugh, I hate this.

[TRUSTING]

Kissak,
Just remind yourself that he is not worth your time right now. Life is too short. It sounded like you handled the contact very well. To me, things always seem so much worse during the Holidays.

[Mila]

Kissak, I know how tough this is, you know that you had to tell him to leave, yet you still love him....On one hand you don't want him around and on another you want him to beg to come back.

Just remember that he has treated you very badly and has huge issues to work out, you wouldn't want him back the way he is anyway. You deserve better.

Keep busy, take care of yourself...it will bet better

(((hugs)))

[kissak]

Kissak, I know how tough this is, you know that you had to tell him to leave, yet you still love him....On one hand you don't want him around and on another you want him to beg to come back.

Yes, that is true, so true.

[quote]Just remember that he has treated you very badly and has huge issues to work out, you wouldn't want him back the way he is anyway. You deserve better.

I keep saying this over and over again. I deserve better and I know you are right Mila....I do remember how bad he treated me those last couple of months...he does have huge issues and I DO NOT want him back that way.


I am having issues with being angry at myself for even taking him back in the first place....although it did allow me to find out things he did behind my back and how big a liar he really is. Im really mad at myself for trading in my car back in August...now Im stuck with a car payment on limited funds....Im really ticked off at myself for doing that when I was almost sure things were better. Ugh~

Not sure how the holidays are going to play out.

[kissak]

Thanks Trusting

[Mila]

Kissak - Sweetie, what we want back is the old H...right now they don't exist....You did your best, you believed, you trusted, you gave him many chances, you did more the most would do...be proud of yourself for that. Don't be upset with yourself for making decision based on trust...you had to trust him to give your reconciliation the best possible chance....

Here is a great quote for you

"Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. And Today? Today is a gift. That's why we call it the present"

(((hugs)))

[kissak]

Thank you Mila. Im thinking that maybe I just never really knew my H. Or maybe I did and was just too trusting or in denial. But your right, I did have to trust him to give him and our marriage the best possible chance.

I have had so many people that know both of us, more from his friends that have told me that they have told him that he needs to really grow up. To quit acting stupid. That he had a really good wife. Sucks that he isnt listening.

BUT I think he has gotten the point that I dont want as much to do with him this week. I have never gone this long without him texting me to death. Maybe since he sees that I am not playing anymore, he isnt interested? I doubt that, Im sure given a few weeks he will be knocking at my door for something again. In 4 years it has never gone for more than 2 weeks without him wanting something from me.

Thank you for the quote you are right!

[ericmsant2]

Kissak,

I have been off the boards for a while and just caught up with your sitch.

First, the pain and hurt you feel will take time to heal. Personally, I think it takes many YEARS. The only way is to take it day by day and just focus on trying to live your life the best way you can.

Why do I even let my H get to me the tiniest bit!!

Because you still have feeling for him. It’s normal so don’t beat yourself up over it. DB101 - detach.

Im so mad at him

This anger is probably because of…

He was wanting what he always wants...sex.

This ^^^^

I almost gave in...He knows what to say and do to get to me and I hate it.

Are you saying that you cannot control yourself? Sounds like it to me, which begs the question…why can’t Kissak control herself?

I’m also amazed that you almost gave in. Why do you keep allowing him to bait you into the bedroom?

Kissak, I am not trying to smack ya with a 2x4…okay maybe I am….take a look at your WORDS below…

even if he was with another woman. Thats who he is.

Even back when I did give in he was with the woman he left me for, she was his "soulmate" and he cheated on her.

He will continue to hurt women like this

he told me, he wants some loving

I feel its all because I wont have sex with him the way he wants

I told him NO several times today, that I dont like the violence

He wanted sex of course, well he wanted me to do everything

I told him NO several times today, that I dont like the violence.

I do not like the anger in the bedroom

He wanted sex (just sex), I didnt.

actually to him it came across as "you want me to kiss your butt all day so I can get sex at night?"

The thing is sex has been about the only thing holding us together over the last 4 years

He is a sex addict.

he is doing the same thing to these vulnerable women.

when I did give in he was with the woman he left me for, she was his "soulmate" and he cheated on her.

Kissak, I know that you are aware of the issues that your H has (and FTR, maybe he can fix himself – IDK), so why do you keep allow him to bait you? Why?

IMO, until you answer that question and the other questions that YOU yourself have pondered (see below quotes) you will continue to ride this rollercoaster.

I dont know why I let him manipulate me like this.

I dont know what I am wanting

Today, I havent heard from him at all. But I dont know if this is good for me or not.

Okay, you don’t know if this is good for you…that is fair then let me ask you this….WHAT IS GOOD FOR YOU? Define it sweetie cause no one can do that BUT YOU.

that he will try again

He can try all he wants – isn’t this YOUR life? IMHO, until you really figure out why YOU react when “he knows what to say and do to get to me” you will continue to be in this difficult sitch. Why Kissak do you keep allowing him to pull you in? Why?

It seems it will never end.

IT will when 1) YOU CHOOSE to allow it to end and 2) When God says it is time. As a good friend of mine reminded me of yesterday….”in God’s time – not ours”.

I cant be friends with him

I think I have given you my views on this. 1) Define what friend means to YOU 2) You can be civil, which in turn may turn into more of a friendship, however, I believe this takes time.

expecting to hear from him all the time, then when he doesnt call or talk, I feel forgotten.

WHY do you feel forgotten? What does this tell YOU?

I did enjoy a nice walk last night with this guy that lives down my road. He is interested in dating me

FAR be it from ME to even respond to this quote….Part of me wants to say do as I say not as I do. Having said this, take your time. You may think you’re ready and you may or may not be ready. So tread lightly with this.

This also happens to be the guy that dated my H's first OW for a while last year.

Birds of a feather flock together.

Hurt people = vulnerable people (trust me I know from experience…BTDT). So as good as it may feel, you both may be hurt and finding comfort with each other – be careful.

He texted me this morning to tell the kids he loved them and good morning. I just said Ok, Good morning. Then he wished me a good day and I said thanks, u 2.

I have often heard and read about the MLCer that sucks the LBS back in (matter of fact I lived it yesterday). I think the LBSer must determine when the communication is warrant and then respond accordingly. Why doesn’t he contact the kids directly?

I am having issues with being angry at myself for even taking him back in the first place

Hmmmm….angry at taking him back OR angry AT THE REASONS YOU TOOK HIM BACK? Think about that.

Im really mad at myself for trading in my car back in August

Yeah, you can join me and we can BOTH ask Mila to borrow her car. Or better yet, I’ll ask Mila and you can ask Trusting. LOL

Chin up Kissak and please start to answer some of these questions for YOURSELF.

God Bless,
Eric