Can't Believe It Happened When It Did!!!

[Sad_but_happy]

It's time I got advice from all you great people...

my wife and I have been together for 21 years. We got married young and things have been tough at times. She is not always the nicest person but she tries.

At the beginning of August my wife started an EA with a person she met while hanging out with a few friends. I could tell right away that she was becoming distant and asked within a week if she had met someone. She said she did but that he liked her but she had no interest in him. For the next few months I believe my wife made several attempts to connect with me but I was to dumb to see why. I believe she was trying to resist the compultion she was having to see him.

My wife is not an easy person to live with. Though she is caring she is also rigid. I am very easy going so we always clashed. I also have to admit that I did leave her emotionally. Left the bedroom several times because she was just not a fun person to be around. There were so many times after year 10 that I wanted out of the marriage. I even told her several times that we just were not compatible and that we got married too young. She was 22 and I was 24. So you can see I'm a classic case of pushing her away and then wanting her back.

Of course once she admitted to the EA in earkly October she was already "in love" (give me a brake). I did the classic begging, some crying, reasoning, blah blah blah... The fear of losing not only her but everything we have worked for killed me. Not to mension the thought of hurting my children. I told her she had to end it right away or we were done! For the next 30 days she tried to end it but I know she emailed him a few more times. Oh yea, she opened a secret email address. I also have to admit that the thought of her with another person rocks me to my core. Not sure why when I didnt even want her for so long. I guess I feel that she is MINE and no one elses. I am positive it is not a full blown PA though she did admit to kissing.

Here is where I need advice. I don't believe my wife has had contact with him in about a month. But I do know that he is the "first thing she thinks about when she wakes up and the last thing she thinks about before going to sleep." and I also know that she, "has no emotional connection" to me. I know from snooping... Oh and she told me to my face that we are, "not a couple". All that said, I think she wants to make this marriage work. We still sleep in the same bed (no sex or kissing) and she is distant. But we are nice to each other, still eat dinner together, still talk, still engaged with the kids, etc. She does still talk of some future plans for us (travel, vacations, etc). I think she is waiting for her "feelings" and love for me to return. I have read DR but not sure what phase I should be in. I don't want to pursue but I also dont want to make her think I don't care.

I have still been the one to initiate physical contact and I'm sure I shouldnt. Just hugs or a kiss on the head. Nothing heavy at all. The problem is that I have always been the one to initiate so maybe I need to stop. She might not want me to.

Last night we were looking at homes in another state cause I have been offered a job making twice as much as I do now. She seems open to moving though she has admitted it does make her nervous due to her current feelings. Today I offered to bring her lunch so we could eat together but mind you this is after an hour of looking at houses last night and really enjoying it. She said that she was probably going to leave early to "not today." My response to her was, "no problem, we can do it another time".

I need to know the balance... Where is the line so I don't cross it. I think I am in a better place then most. Mostly because I support my wife, she loves her lifestyle, and she doesn't want to lose everything, she has no education and for the most part does not work in a field that can support her lifestyle. If it's the money keeping her from leaving for now that's fine. It gives me time to make her love me. I am working on GAL but again, she's not totally shutting me out. In fact the last time I went out to do errands (3 hours) she said, "if your seeing someone else I would like to know so I can be afforded the same right." I got upset mostly because I know she wanted to see "HIM"...

I have never wanted to love my wife more. You really don't know what you have until it's gone. At the same time however, I honestly feel that if she does leave she will regret it forever. This person she met is 32 and my W is 39. I am confident that if she leaves that her fantasy relationship will run its course and then she will be alone. Right now she has a big home, financial stability, children full time, and a loving husband. One stupid decision and it's all gone.

Soooo How do I make her love me and slowly forget about "HIM"... What moves do I make? Let's start with tonight...

[Sad_but_happy]

Hoping someone jumps in (begging, pleading, needy LOL)... I really need some direction to save my family...

[tank]

sbh, welcome to the site. I am still struggling and you sound like you need one of the experts. so take my advise for what it is.

be happy whenever your around your wife. engage her in conversation, not relationship talk. become the man she fell in love with. dont tell her you want the marriage, show her. Focus on what you have done wrong and fix them. be there and supportive to her. Do not fight for any reason and make sure you validate her feelings.

if you are the direct type, then tell her how you feel. your feelings only. tell her that if you take the new job, it could be a new lease on your life together. it could be a fresh start. One that your willing to work on and give everything you have to make work.

My man, you know your wife, what is it that she isnt getting currently in the relationship? If you can figure that out, you will be on the right track.

[Sad_but_happy]

Thanks Tank...
I really never thought I would be here. Got cocky. Even used to joke to the wife about "no one is buying a 39 YO woman with two kids." I was such a jerk! I'm sure its true that no one is buying her but a crap load of men will rent. Truth be told she is very attractive, great body and has gotten better with age.

I just don't know how to make her "miss me" when I'm still home, still in the bed with her, etc. I am always upbeat (or try to be) but all my BS over the past few years pushing her out the door have left their mark. To be honest I DID want a divorce many times. She was just so rigid. Now faced with the possibility of losing my family I have a different tune. She is angery at me for getting her to this point and now changing my mind. She belives this other person can make her happy. That darn "affair fog".

I know I will never last as long as many on this board. If I were to find out that she is continuing her EA then I think I would file for divorce right away. Yes I love her but I can't be disrespecuted in that way. And I would never go back to her if she left the house and hurt our family that deeply. So I guess I'm trying to avoid her making that mistake so that I don't have to make the decision.

Is there anything else I can do. So the plan for tonight is to just be happy... That's easy. Anything else?

[Sad_but_happy]

Oh and I failed to say that I have been validating her, helping around the house, with kids, no fighting at all, etc.

I could kick myself for letting this happen. For opening the door for an EA.

[Ready2Change]

Hi SbH,

I would like to suggest focusing on becoming attractive to W. Read here for details.

Male Attractiveness Thread

I would also like to suggest that you read up on the transparency plans.

[Sad_but_happy]

I do work out, getting my MBA, started reading...

Quick question. She is feeling under the weather. I was thinking of picking her up some type of holistic type medicine. She's all into organic. Anyone have any ideas? I figure it's a nice unthreatening gesture.

[MrBond]

Start to GAL by going out of the home a little more. Start being a little enigmatic.

If she's serious about ending things with the OM, then I've seen that a NC letter is appropriate. Where she writes to the OM or contacts him with you in the room and says they are not to contact each other.

As long as the OM is in the picture, there can't be any R.

[tomjoad]

This is my 1st post--because this OP is my story--change a few dates and this is where i am at.

@sbh--hang in there! I have been giving W as much space as possible, going to the office more playing golf, doing stuff with the kids as much as possible. Reading DR, getting help from some friends that have been really supportive. The M will end up where it ends up, just take care of yourself and you part of the M and she will (hopefully) wake up, relax you have time.

me and W have been doing group counseling--imho getting us nowhere. She vents-i am sick of the complaining---trying individual sessions with different therapists. I have an appt with a new one next week. If i can figure out this board I will check back in.

peace

[Bworl]

I am sure that your wife has issues and that they have helped the division between the two of you. I want to acknowledge that first.

Know that it's not enough to suddenly want to love your wife and want your marriage to last. The current condition of your relationship was built over years. It won't be fixed in weeks or possibly even months, and certainly not just because you have been scared by the prospects of losing her.

Your eyes have been opened though, and that's a good thing. And as you have noted, you have a chance because of your wife's apparent willingness to stay.


Your job now is to take true and honest advantage of these positives.


Honestly assess yourself. Who you are now. Who you were when you were married. What has slipped. Where did you get hardened. What did she once love about you and what does she not love about you now. How much of her complaint against you is valid and what can you do about it.


This is painful stuff because it asks us to be honest with ourselves. By your own words, you pushed her away for years and sent the message that you did not desire or appreciate her. It takes time, patience, and compassion to undo such things.


But I don't want you to think it's all on you. The deal is that you can only change yourself, not her. You have to hope that if she begins to believe in your real changes, that possibly she will remember the man she once loved, and then perhaps she will begin to feel for you again.



Hard work. Are you up to it?


Oh, and the comment about not tolerating an affair? I smell what you're smoking. But I've also been around these parts for a few years and can tell you that reality is not as simple as we think. Affairs can be survived and healed.



A lot of this is up to you.



Blessings,

Bill