How much longer in Separated?

[jon2911]

Talked with W a few times Thanksgiving day, then headed her way Friday afternoon. Hit a cool Janis Joplin museum while waiting for W to be free. Man, Port Arthur, Texas didn't know what to do with that girl.

Did some shopping with W when we met up, she had already been out all day and we had a good time. We had a nice dinner at a new sushi/hibachi place she'd been wanting to try. Then we got hot chocolate and thought about a movie. We ended up going with a redbox, and I was thinking we could watch it in the car but she said:

"there's a little motel I saw and thought of you". We checked it out, and it was perfect. $36.40, cash only. I LOLed on the 40 cents. She stayed and we watched Shutter Island and then she had to go. No ML or anything, but it was very nice. Instead of driving back through the night I enjoyed having a place to stay.

W texted me on Tuesday "are you off work yet" right as I was getting off. I called, and she started crying and said she was sad. She'd had a headache since I left and throwing up.

We talked about the movie and some other things as I drove home. I had some guys coming for dinner but told her I would call her after. She thanked me for distracting her for a little while.

Then a text: "Thank you for talking with me yesterday. I was already sleeping when you called at 11", and later "do you have time to call me on your lunchbreak?"

She's making excuses for contact with some internet questions. I jokingly asked if I came and stayed at the motel again, would she visit. She said yes. Definitely some positives.

We also had some great talks while I was there, just very comfortable talking about family and a whole bunch of other things. I'm amazed how natural it is when we finally get to spend time together. I think it's time to make it more often, and I'm taking a chance today and sending her get well soon flowers. Should be fun to watch the results.

[jon2911]

Thanks Michelle! Things seem to be warming, and I'm enjoying it. I was a little worried not hearing from her Friday-Tuesday, it's hard not to get worked up when I don't know what's going on. Very encouraged overall though.

Starting reading The Horse Whisperer again last night, couldn't put it down. Some great DBing stuff in there. I tried to explain that to my pastor and a couple buddies the other day, that our relationship right now is like that book. Completely bombed, they had no idea what I meant. Ha. Of course, I don't think they really can understand what this is like.

A couple parts of the book I wanted to write down:
"And though later he came pretending friendship, the alliance with man would ever be but fragile, for the fear he'd struck into their hearts was too deep to be dislodged. Since that neolithic moment when first a horse was haltered, there were those among men who understood this. They could see into the creature's soul and soothe the wounds they found there"

"It's like asking a woman to dance, if you've got no confidence and you're scared she's gonna turn you down and you sidle up, looking at your boots, sure as eggs'll break, she'll turn you down. Of course, then you can try grabbing her and forcing her around the floor, but neither one of you's gonna end up enjoying it a whole lot.

Dancing and riding, it's the same damn thing. It's about trust and consent. you've gotten hold of one another. The man's leading but he's not dragging her, he's offering a feel and she feels it and goes with him. You're in harmony and moving to each other's rhythm, just following the feel."

[Tomato]

hey Jon,

I saw you dropped by my "belly up" thread.

Hope you are doing well. I was sorry to have missed the trip to New Orleans.

I'm just living the quiet life and trying to assist w/ aging parent large issues.

There is quite an indent on my finger where the band once was.

All I can do is move on with the two feet God gave me and so that is what my focus is.

I'll check back later and I'll be praying for you and continued progress.

T

[jon2911]

Hey T, thanks for the prayers! I'm confused, last update I read from you, you were back under the same roof?

Thanks for the prayers, I need them. Let's do another get together soon.

[Goodfight]

Jon,

I was catching up on your sitch and had to laugh to myself. On the first page you said about your wife being treated like a 5 year old etc.

That is exactly how my H's parents and step-parents treat him and he does whatever they say. And he says I was controlling which I never was, it makes me wonder.

I honestly believe that H's families are the biggest problem right now and all through the S because he doesn't have the you know what to tell them anything but what they want to hear.

So instead of doing what he wants as far as our M goes, he does what they tell him to do. I know it's cause of the stories he made up so he wouldn't look like the bad guy for leaving but this is crazy.

[jon2911]

GF,
Yes that's very similar. And in my case W's mother is passed away and her split family hates each other. GFIL is a multi-millionare and FIL is also, just to a much lesser extent.

This makes it a lot harder for W to say no, especially with her health problems. She needs to though. I'm amazed by how much money is used to control in families like hers. A good friend of mine read a biography of the Rockefellers and told me I need to read it. I'll ask him for it soon.

Hanging out with her on Black Friday was so nice, such a good time. It made me think, why is she living down there? I can't make her stand up to them. Just trying to be patient while she decides.

[MichelleLT]

No you can't. She's the only one who can set boundaries with them.

You set your boundaries though and can at least be a good example.

Glad you got to see her, glad you guys are talking. Definitely things to build on!

[jon2911]

I was planning to go see W this weekend, but had car trouble and it's too cold to go on the motorcycle. Was on the phone with her last night When GFIL fell again. This morning she texted that he's in the hospital in Beaumont, the next city over, but he'll be OK. Wouldn't have been a good weekend anyway.

I'm sad to not be down there, especially since I won't see W before Christmas, but have a lot of work to do anyway and a party with friends at the Flying Saucer tonight. Then taking care of my truck tomorrow, which is all the way in Fort Worth. it's good to have friends.

[jon2911]

Got back from the party around 10:00 and there was a text from W "call me ASAP". When I called she was crying and said GFIL had passed away. She didn't want to talk but was heading home from the hospital to get some sleep.

I called a couple friends and my parents and decided to rent a car and leave the next morning. The earliest car rental pickup was at 6:00 AM and I was there waiting in the cold.

W called me at 10:30 and she had just woken up. I told her I was almost there. She asked "why?" I told her I didn't want to cause any trouble with the family, but wanted to be there, that I'd be getting a hotel room and would just be in town for a couple days. She texted me another hotel she had noticed and that I should try it.

Shen I got in town I texted her asking if I should bring her lunch. She said "with fam now, no thanks". I drove by the house, it was nice being incognito in a rental car, and there were lots of cars coming and going. Some I recognized as her family. I got some work done and checked into the hotel, watched some football and took a nap.

She texted asking if I would come help her later in the afternoon. When I got there she was recording a new answering machine greeting with the funeral details. The phone had been ringing off the hook all day, and all the people I'd seen stopping by were bringing casseroles. Wow, southern tradition I guess, but what is W going to do with them? Her aunt had come and helped for part of the day.

She had some mac and cheese on the stove and said "usually that's good comfort food, but not tonight". I took her out for dinner and to get some drinks and things for the house. She feels responsible for that also, with all the family flying in the next day. I'm impressed how she can keep going, and was glad to help. I wish she could turn it all off sometimes.

She had a Christmas present for me and I had one for her. Then we watched her favorite show Desperate Housewives Atlanta and I gave her a back rub. About 11:30 she said she needed to get to bed.

She called on my way back to the hotel and we talked for a while. She thanked me for keeping it low key, said she felt like a zombie. I said that's completely understandable and it was a good time. She thanked me several times and said she felt overwhelmed by everything and appreciated the help.

We had planned lunch for the next day, but she called to say she wasn't feeling well, then texted later "too much going on, I can't leave. Sorry. Thank you for coming to take care of me".

W had e-mailed me the obituary, and I found it in the newspaper the next day as well. All the other husbands are listed except for me. That stung. I'm sad that I didn't get to see him again, but I know he'd want me to be there.

I really don't know what happens now. W has a lot of decisions to make. She doesn't have the burden of taking care of him any more, and she doesn't need his financial help either. What all this means if she still wants to D me I have no idea. Texas is community property, but I know there are provisions protecting inheritance. Will probably talk to my lawyer just to see. It does make sense now that she was under such family pressure to get it done before now.

Planning to ask off from work to make the funeral on Thursday. That should be interesting. Maybe I'll sit with FIL as he'll be the only person less popular than me there. lol.

I feel like everything just changed, but have no idea what that means yet.

[MichelleLT]

Wow! A lot happened very quick! That's a lot to absorb, for her especially, but for you and your R as well.

That's awesome that you were able to get up there and that W was willing to see you and let you help out. [censored] that she's still keeping your R hidden.

Should be entertaining with you going to the funeral. Have you told her you plan to attend?

Keep being consistent and keep the DB principles close to heart. There are going to be a lot of ups and downs over the next few weeks I suspect.