I really don't know where to start and I am so friggin confused it isn't funny. I feel better for having taken the step to move out (truly it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my whole life) but at the same time I can't help wondering if it really was the right thing.
We have been separated for 4 months now and it really isn't getting any easier. The emotional rollercoaster is unbearable at times. I have good friends (thank God) that give me support but ultimately I know it is ME that has to deal with it all.
In H's mind, if I would "just let things go" and "get past it" we could move forward. How the hell do you move forward when he constantly insists it is MY way of thinking that is hindering us. He says we have very "different thought patterns" - amazing discovery Sherlock! Guess what? EVERYONE in the world has a different thought pattern. That's what makes us unique - other wise we would just be clones no?
The thing I am dealing with the most these days is the loss of 22 years together. It is worse than a death and when I told him it was sad that after all those years it had come to this he said "it's not sad, it is what it is" - how callous is that?
Why do I even care what the man thinks? But I find myself almost obsessing about what he's doing, who he's spending time with (although he says he would "never" be with anyone again after me). He is also dealing with the possibility of having prostate surgery which is making me feel guilty as well.
And to add to things - a very good, long time friend of mine (male) that knows my history, and has helped tremendously throughout this whole process (unbiased I might add, which is almost unheard of) is showing very serious signs of interest in me. He has been an amazing friend and he's an incredible man and I could definitely see us being together - he absolutely adores me so why can't I accept that?
Yes, I know it hasn't been that long that we have been separated and perhaps I shouldn't be thinking about being with someone else but in that time I have totally taken care of ME and it feels great. All my friends have commented on how nice it is to see the really me back again and, besides, although I have been separated for only 4 months, I have been living "alone" for the passt 15 years.
All comments greatly appreciated
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
